How to fix a broken heart

Almost everyone experiences heartbreak at some point in their lives. When my patient Kathy was a middle school student, she began to plan her wedding. By the age of 27, she would meet her future husband, and the following year, they would become engaged and married. However, Kathy didn't find a husband when she was 27. A lump in her breast was discovered. She endured torturous surgery and hard chemotherapy for several months before having to start the dating process over again when she discovered a lump in her other breast. But Kathy was better, and as soon as her eyebrows grew back in, she was ready to start looking for a husband again. In New York City, it's important to be able to communicate a variety of emotions during first dates. (laughing) She met Rich soon after and the two fell in love. The partnership fulfilled all of her expectations. Rich made appointments at their favorite romantic restaurant six months later, following a wonderful weekend spent in New England. Kathy was giddy with anticipation, knowing he would pop the question. However, Rich declined Kathy's proposal that evening. He ended their relationship. Even though he had a great deal of affection for Kathy, he wasn't in love. Kathy was beyond broken. Her heart was shattered beyond repair, and now she had to recover once more. But even after the split, Kathy continued to be obsessed with Rich for five months. She still carried a deep wound in her heart. The query is: Why? Why couldn't this extraordinarily resilient and powerful lady muster the same emotional reserves that saw her through four years of cancer treatment? Why do so many of us fail in our attempts to move past heartbreak? Why do the same coping strategies that help us overcome all types of obstacles in life fail us so badly in the face of heartbreak? I have seen people of all ages and backgrounds experience all kinds of heartache in my more than 20 years of private practice, and I have discovered that when your heart is shattered, the same instincts you often rely on can repeatedly lead you astray. You just can't believe anything your mind tells you. For instance, studies on bereaved individuals have shown us that a comprehensive comprehension of the reasons behind the breakup is crucial to our capacity to move on

. Nevertheless, we consistently turn down straightforward explanations like the one Rich gave Kathy. Since the agony from heartbreak is so intense, our minds naturally assume that the reason must also be intense. And that intuition is so strong that it may conjure up riddles and conspiracies where none exist, even in the most rational and composed of us. Kathy was concerned with understanding out what had happened to make Rich bitter about the relationship, believing it had to have been something that happened during their romantic holiday. Thus, she devoted endless hours to mentally reliving every moment of that weekend, looking for hints that were absent. Kathy was duped by her own imagination into starting this pointless quest. But why had she given it her all for so many months? We don't comprehend how much more subtle heartbreak can be. We continue down rabbit holes after rabbit holes for a reason, even though we are aware that they will only make us feel worse. According to brain research, the brain's mechanisms that are triggered when an addict stops using drugs like cocaine or opiates are also triggered when we experience the withdrawal symptoms of passionate love. Kathy was experiencing withdrawal symptoms. Her unconscious mind choose the methadone of her recollections with Rich because she was unable to have the heroin of truly being with him. Her gut informed her that although she was attempting to solve a mystery, she was really only satisfying her need. This is why it's so hard to get over heartbreak. Addicts are aware of their addiction. They are aware of when they are exploding. But those who are grieving don't. 

However, you do now. And you cannot deny the fact that your heart is broken. Even if the need is strong, you must understand that every time you send a text, go down memory lane, or spend even a minute monitoring your ex on social media, you are only fueling your addiction, exacerbating your emotional suffering, and making your recovery more difficult. Overcoming heartbreak is not an arduous process. Your reason is your greatest weapon in this war. There isn't a satisfactory explanation for a split. You cannot make sense of the pain you are experiencing. You need that closure to resist the addiction, so don't look for one, don't wait for one, just take the one that was presented to you or make one up on the spot. After that, put the question to rest. It's also necessary for you to be ready to let go and realize that it's finished. If not, your optimism will fuel your thoughts and cause you to regress. A damaged heart can be a very devastating place to find hope. Pain is an expert manipulator. It's amazing how easily it can make us think and act completely contrary to what our bodies need in order to heal. When our heart is shattered, idealizing the one who did it is one of our most prevalent tendencies. We can't stop thinking about their grin, how wonderful they made us feel, and our mountain trek and stargazing date night. That only serves to intensify the anguish of our loss. We are aware of that. Even so, we let our minds continually play the best hits one after another, as if our own passive-aggressive Spotify playlist were holding us captive. (Laughter) You will think of those things when you experience heartbreak. In order to prevent romanticizing, you must remember their frown as well as their smile, how awful they made you feel, and the fact that following your passionate exchange, you got lost on the way down the mountain, got into a heated argument, and didn't talk for two days. I advise my patients to make a detailed note of all the reasons the individual was not the right fit for them, along with all of their flaws and pet peeves, and to save it on their phone. (Laughter) You also need to make use of your list once you have it. In a session, if I detect the slightest trace of nostalgia or idealizing, I immediately say, "Phone, please." Your mind will try to convince you that they were flawless (laughs). However, neither they nor the relationship were. And you need to constantly remind yourself of it if you want to move on from them. We are all susceptible to heartbreak. My sufferer Miguel worked as a senior executive in a software firm and was 56 years old. He felt at last prepared to resume dating five years after the death of his wife. He immediately got to know Sharon, and they fell in love quickly. After a month, they introduced each other to their adult children, and after two, they moved in together. Middle-aged individuals don't play around when they go on dates. A cross between "Love, Actually" and "The Fast and the Furious." (laughing) Miguel was experiencing his happiest moment in years. However, Sharon broke up with him the night before their first anniversary. She didn't want a long-distance relationship, so she made the decision to go to the West Coast to be nearer to her kids. Miguel was completely unprepared for and saddened. For many, many months, he was seldom productive at work, and as a result, he nearly lost his job. Another effect of sadness is that it can seriously affect our ability to think clearly, particularly when we have to do difficult activities requiring thinking and logic. This is because feeling alone and in pain can be very taxing. It reduces our IQ momentarily. But what perplexed Miguel's employers was not so much the depth of his grief as it was the length of it. Miguel was also perplexed by this and felt a great deal of shame about it. I was asked, "What's wrong with me?" throughout our session. "What adult spends almost a year getting over a one-year relationship?" Actually, a lot of them do. Heartbreak is characterized by all the same symptoms of traditional loss and sadness, such as immune system dysfunction, intrusive thoughts, and insomnia. Depression that may be measured clinically affects 40% of the population. A complicated psychological ailment is heartbreak. It has numerous effects on humans. For instance, Sharon was quite social and busy. Every week, she had dinners at the residence. She and Miguel went camping with other pairs of people. Miguel was not religious, but he went to church every Sunday with Sharon, and he was accepted into the community. Miguel lost more than just his lover; he also lost Sharon's religious group, which was the center of his social circle. As a pair, he lost his identity. Now that the split was over, Miguel realized it had left a major hole in his life, but he didn't realize it had left many more. And that's important because it shows us how to heal as well as explaining why heartbreak can be so terrible. You must find these gaps in your life and fill them—all of them—if you want to mend your shattered heart. The gaps in your identity: you need to rediscover who you are and what the purpose of your life is. The gaps in your social life, the things you don't do, and even the bare spots where pictures used to hang on the wall. However, none of that will be helpful unless you avoid making mistakes that could set you back, asking for explanations when you shouldn't, idealizing your ex rather than emphasizing how wrong they were for you, and engaging in ideas and actions that continue to give them the lead role in this new chapter of your life when they shouldn't be an extra. Although it can be difficult to move past loss, you can greatly lessen your suffering if you take action to heal and refuse to let your mind trick you. And that will benefit more people than simply you. You'll be more involved with your family and friends, not to mention the billions of dollars in lost productivity at work that could have been prevented. Hence, show compassion to those you know who are grieving, as research indicates that social support plays a crucial role in their healing process. Additionally, be patient because it will take them longer than you anticipate for them to move on. And if you are in pain, understand this: you must be persistent in order to prevail in this challenging, mental war. You do, however, possess weapons. You're capable of fighting. And you'll recover. I'm grateful. (Claps)