Everyone struggles daily to accept who they are, and why the way they are that way. It's a constant reminder of all the positive influences we've experienced, but also embracing all the negative impacts as well. Sometimes it's hard to come to terms with it all, but sometimes it's easier to just accept it as it is and move on.
That's kind of how I feel having epilepsy. Sometimes I wake up and I'm okay with it, accepted it, and embraced it as part of who I am now. Other times I wake up on the bathroom floor not knowing about anything that happened. How long was I there? Haha... And then there's a bruise on the bridge of my nose that I have to lie about, because epilepsy scares people. So I just say it's from sleeping with glasses on. *Laughs out loud*
I didn't have epilepsy all my life; I was diagnosed two years ago with it. Doctors believe it has to do with an ATV crash when I was younger. I wouldn't DOUBT it! All my crazy teen years caught up to me! It hadn't affected me for almost eight years, and then it was happening. I don't remember anything really before the seizures happened. I have glimpses and flashbacks, but who knows if they are true? So you learn to let it go because you will never know what's true or what's created memories.
I remember everything would affect me in some way. I would see something on TV or listening to music that day, even what was around me; Even food. Everything had a new meaning and hidden reason for being there at that moment. Everything was a trigger!
So many thoughts would be going through my mind at once, it was hard to get words out. Someone would ask me if I'm okay, and I would be just staring into space, obsessed with the current scene in front of me, or the lyrics going through my head taking me to a different space of time. There was no escaping it!
It was like coming to peace with everything that happened in my life all at once, so I didn't seize. I became non-social. I didn't like talking to anyone. I couldn't find the ability to get close to anyone, including my significant other. It made it hard to connect with him and everyone we were around. It was like feeling everybody was judging me because now I had epilepsy. They didn't want to step on toes, or walk on glass, because they didn't know how to be around me. I didn't remember how to interact with them. It was like being around strangers whom you experience deja vu with. You recognize them as part of your life before, but trying to regain that closeness and familiarity is next to impossible..
So you do what's best and fade into the background, staying alone... You feel cold because even those you love are leaving you. They don't understand.. You're so angry at everything because you have a disorder! Everything you used to enjoy just brings you pain, makes you feel like you are far away! Even when you are there, it's like a whole other world, but you feel their stares, and the thoughts in their head... Is this chick out of her mind?
So alone you feel, it's time for these triggers to be no more, kick their unwelcomed asses out the door. You're finally free, no need to even the score, makes you feel like you're finally ready for more! Time for our hearts to soar, high together, like before, ready when you are, come through the door.