Dr. Burpflew Briefly Addresses Strange Coping Habits

You know, I thought of something after my last patient left today. I thought of it while lighting and placing a tea light into a jack-o'-lantern candle holder in the middle of February. I did this for my son who -- just like his father -- has an addiction to candles.

Yes, the pyromaniac apple never falls far from the tree.

Anyway, I thought of something during this candle-addiction fix: humans will do just about anything for even a brief moment of pleasure. Whether it's lighting candles or crack pipes, people have habits they rely on for relief from the pains of life. And I believe this is true for the majority of patients I see.

Some of these coping habits are, of course, more extreme than others. Some of them have steeper consequences than others, and there are some that warrant barely a blip on the consequence radar.

Here we will review examples of coping habits that some of my patients have decided to make public in the name of research. What follows are the paraphrased accounts:

Warren Hashby (M) 63

For most of Mr. Hashby's life, he has developed the coping habit of shaving one full leg-swipe of leg-hair every Tuesday with a woman's razor. He says it reminds him of brighter days, when he was a young lad, galavanting about his mother's turnip patch.

He remembers her words, long ago spoken:

"A smooth turnip is a happy turnip."

These words have stayed with Mr. Hashby, and every time he feels that smooth strip of skin on his leg, he thinks of his mother and her garden of smooth turnips. He thinks of simpler times. Times without taxes and denture cream.

Rita Wellsworth (F) 42

Mrs. Wellsworth is an astounding case. Her coping habit consists of massaging her scalp with crunchy peanut butter while simultaneously rubbing raw chicken breasts on her jowls. This is something she cannot perform by herself, so she hires someone to help her with this habit.

Her husband used to do this for her, but has since ceased his involvement. He is quoted as saying, "Yes, I love my wife, but life becomes quite unbearable when you become fully aroused in a public supermarket after your wife asks you to do this thing for her. The embarrassment of those situations is too much to bear."

Now the couple faces new challenges due to her coping habit. The most difficult of these challenges involves their financial situation, due to the amount they have to pay Mrs. Wellsworth's assistant every week.

Henry Fumpin (M) 48

Mr. Fumpin is one of the more extreme cases. As a result of his coping habit, he has lost several jobs, two wives, four homes, and he is permanently banned from all Walmart locations. He has also been arrested multiple times.

All of this trouble is due to the unfortunate fact that Mr. Fumpin cannot stop having sexual intercourse with potted plants. He has described the action as being similar to the emotional rush of having sexual intercourse with a coffee mug.

This habit has been a recurring element in Mr. Fumpin's life since he was 23, after his girlfriend dumped him. She was a fledgling botanist fresh out of college, and they dated for 6 months. Mr. Fumpin described the way she broke up with him as being the sole cause of his habit: she broke the long-stem roses he had just given her in half and shoved them into his novelty blow-up doll.

In Conclusion…

Of course there are countless other cases I have encountered in my practice, however these are the few that kept me up 5 minutes longer than usual the night after said encounters.

I hope to continue documenting these types of cases for many years to come. It has forever been my intention to contribute great strides in the field of medicine, so the recording and publishing of these findings are -- I consider to be -- important.

Let us all hope breakthroughs are imminent. The future of the human race depends on them.