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Elephant in the Room

by T.A. Burt 2 months ago in humor

A short, comedic screenplay

Elephant in the Room
Photo by James Hammond on Unsplash

FADE IN:

INT. OFFICE BUILDING - DAY

BILL FLANNAGAN sits in a chair waiting to be called in for a job interview. He's reading a magazine and is professionally dressed.

MR. AIMES, the CEO of the company, flings his office door open, and it smashes against the wall. He seems excited and cheerful as he looks around the room--his eyes landing on BILL. MR. AIMES'S smile fades away as he stares at BILL.

MR. AIMES

So... You must be Mr. Flannagan.

BILL

(stands up and puts the magazine down to shake hands)

Yes sir, that's me. You must be Mr. Aimes. It's a pleasure to meet you.

MR. AIMES

(sighs)

Yeah...

CUT TO:

Inside MR. AIMES'S office. MR. AIMES is sitting at his desk, and BILL is sitting in front of it.

MR. AIMES

Look, Bill... I just want to say something before we start... Clear the air before we begin... You know, beat the shit out of the elephant in the room with a spiked mallet before we proceed...

MR. AIMES slowly leans forward further onto his desk.

MR. AIMES

I don't like you, Bill. I don't like the way you were reading your little magazine. I don't like the way you say words. I don't like the way you stood up to shake my hand. And I just flat out don't like your face. It reminds me of my grandma's cat, and I hate that cat.

BILL

(looks sort of uncomfortable now)

Well, gee, Mr. Aimes, I can go now if you want me to.

MR. AIMES

(has suddenly spun his chair around, facing away from BILL)

No, no. We might as well do this thing. Now... You're interested in being my assistant, correct?

BILL

Yes, sir. Correct.

MR. AIMES

(suddenly spins back around and slams his fist on the desk)

Damn it, Bill! I don't need the sass! I'm going to ask you a few questions, but I want you to raise your hand before you answer them. Can you do that?

BILL

(forgetting to raise his hand)

Yes, sir, I can do that.

There is a long, silent pause as Bill stares at MR. AIMES. MR. AIMES is fiddling around with objects on his desk and looking aimlessly around the room, not acknowledging BILL.

BILL

(suddenly remembers and raises his hand)

MR. AIMES

(acknowledges BILL)

Ah yes... Bill.

BILL

Yes, sir, I can do that.

MR. AIMES

Good, good. Now... Where do you see yourself in five minutes from now?

BILL

(raises hand)

MR. AIMES

Yes... You there, in the front.

BILL

Well, sir, I guess sitting here talking to you?

MR. AIMES

Was that a question, Bill?

BILL

(forgets to raise hand)

Ummm...

MR. AIMES starts chugging a glass of water, then spits it all out into a trash can beside his desk.

MR. AIMES

Does no one know the answer?!

BILL

(raises hand)

MR. AIMES

Yes, Bill.

BILL

I guess it was a question, sir.

MR. AIMES

Oh, so you think you're going to pilot the ship, eh? I believe I am the one conducting the interview. Are you trying to steal my job, Bill?

BILL

(raises hand)

No, sir.

MR. AIMES

Why not? It pays well, you get great benefits, you get a free spiked mallet to beat all the elephants that wander into your office to death. And there are plenty of them, Bill, let me tell you.

MR. AIMES becomes distracted by a phantom noise from the other side of the room.

MR. AIMES

Did anyone hear that?

BILL

(raises hand)

Hear what, sir?

MR. AIMES pulls out a spiked mallet from under his desk and walks over to the other side of the room. He has a crazier look in his eyes than normal. He slowly paces around, holding the mallet above his head. Suddenly he eases up and walks back to his desk.

MR. AIMES

False alarm. Anyway, where were we?

BILL

(forgets to raise hand)

The interview, sir.

MR. AIMES

Bill, I swear to god if you blurt out one more thing without raising your hand, I will send you into the depths of elephant hell where I have sent many an elephant. They will smell my scent upon you and rip you open again and again for the entirety of eternity.

BILL

(raises hand)

MR. AIMES

(nods at BILL)

BILL

I'm sorry, sir. It won't happen again.

MR. AIMES

Good. I knew I could count on you, Bill. Now, as far as this job goes--

MR. AIMES stops talking abruptly, reaches for his mallet again, stands up and runs out of the room. BILL sits there for a while by himself. After a moment, BILL stands up and approaches MR. AIMES'S desk. He reaches for a business card and looks at it. It is hand-made, and scribbled in very poor handwriting at the top, it reads: 'Elephant In The Room Industries, Vernon Aimes, CEO.' BILL drops the card back onto the desk and walks out of the office.

FADE OUT

humor
T.A. Burt
T.A. Burt
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