dealing with grief

My mental health has been poor for a while, many small things piled on top of each other. I planned this year out so could raise my spirits along with my fiancés. Planned our wedding, honeymoon, 3 concerts and a further trip away. At present the final trip away is all that's left and I am sure it wont go ahead. Add to this I knew one of my best friends was dying. He had all the treatment, the support of his brilliant wife and friends.

2 days ago I found a Facebook memory which said it was the anniversary of the last night of a play we helped put on where I used to live.He directed and I stage managed. This knocked me back as just a few days before I was told he had very little time left. He had a syringe driver fitted, which I knew from job experience usually meant the person had 2 weeks maximum. The driver automatically injects painkiller into the body at pre-set times.

Yesterday I went for a walk and told my disabled son I wont be able to see him for his 30th birthday next week. Obviously I knew this was likely but knew he would be upset but he managed not to say anything on the phone. I carried on the walk and stopped by our local church. I am not religious but I like taking pictures there. Picked up the phone and saw a Facebook notification. Looked and it was to say my friend died that morning.

Even though I knew it was coming I was shocked it was this soon. I am glad he's out of the pain but still upset it happened. I have lost friends and relatives before but in the state I am at present perhaps it hit me more. As my dad says, the older you get the more people you know and therefore as you all get older together you lose more.

I messaged my fiancé and told her, she urged me to come home. I rarely drink but thought it would be my own distanced send off. I came home and cried a bit, got a bottle of vodka and some orange. The spent a few more hours drinking and crying a lot. I didn't know how I was going to react but in the end same as ever I would think.

Obviously I wont be able to attend his funeral but will send a card and think of him on the day it happens. Today I am still low but think the drink tripped me up enough to release the tears and leave me fairly ok today. I was lucky not to feel ill today, I discovered a nearly finished the drink last night. In fact I think I drunk so much I passed out for 8 hours and woke up still drunk. So today I was a bit dehydrated but little else.

So I will spend time remembering him, the time we had together and the fun we had together. The time building the stage for the play, designing basic special effects and setting up the lights. It was a great time and memories to treasure. That is what I tell others to do so its logical I should do the same. I have worked in care homes for a while and so have seen many people be with their spouse as they died and its horrible. If I can I always say remember the good times and try not to focus on the illness and frailty at the end. So that's my advice for myself now.