Away From Pain

Dark turns to light, silence to sound; I am awake. A hand fumbles out to dismiss the alarm chiming on my phone. Pain.

6:30 AM - Today is the day.

My stomach growls in protest, my mouth is dry and tastes like morning breath. The attention to pain beginning to fill my thought processes. Stiffly, I maneuver out from under the sheets which are ever so tempting me to return and fall back in to dream state.

No.

I tidy my side of the bed and reach for my medication planner- popping out today's dosages. With barely a sip of water I down my morning meds, grumbling as one managed to lodge itself in my esophagus. A good cough, making classical dad-esque lip smacking noises in attempts to wake up my salivary glands. There it goes.

I hobble to the bathroom, turn the shower on and brush my teeth- being sure to not swallow any liquids. My eyes connect with the mirror, going through the mindless motions of morning.

Mindless motions.. Should be mindful. Centered.

I enter the shower after adjusting the temperature to prime bacteria killing, satan licking goodness and begin to suds and scrub with the soaps suggested by the hospital. The pain melts away with each pass of the water, being sure to scrub today's work area extra clean.

My lumbar spine and I have been fighting.

I slowly turn the knob of the shower to cut the water, shaking and squeegee-ing myself of excess water. Reaching for a towel I also step on to the bathroom rug, wincing at a shot of pain up my spine and back down my left sciatic nerve. My body leans towards the bathroom sink for a firm anchor, deep breaths powering my through the pain. Pins and needles flood my lower appendages. Painful static.. or neuropathy as the doctors call it.

My eyes connect with the mirror again, studying the way my lips widen and sink at the sides in a grimace. My nose is scrunched at the sides, blue eyes squinted, and red-blond brows furrowed in the moment. I tear myself from the image in the mirror, dysphoria still creeping up in my mind. I quickly dry myself, hobbling back to the bedroom to dress myself. A galaxy hoodie and teal knee shorts, bottomed off with black socks and fluffed house shoes decorated with cats of all kinds and expressions.

My phone has been buzzing but I can't really bring myself to look through the messages since time is of the essence.

Adrian and I lock up the abode and head to the hospital where I will finally defeat pain.

We both pull our facial masks up, mine of course being a matching galaxy print, and head to the entrance where two lines are set up for temperature checks. One line for employees and the other for visitors and patients.

"Whatcha here for today?" I strong voiced nurse questioned.

"Procedure." I groggily said behind the mask.

She handed us both stickers after taking our temps, then pointed down the hallway, "Admissions is down there- She'll getcha checked in."

We both bow our heads in thanks and walked down crystal white halls until a bright orange "Admissions" sign cued me to stop and wait. My eyes locked to the stick on the floor, '6ft apart. Practice Social Distancing. 6ft apart.'

Another strong voiced nurse called my attention to sit in front of a plexiglass window with a hole cut in the bottom for ID card exchange and bracelet placing. I slowly lowered myself in to the chair, giving my name and date of birth, "Ohhh! You're back again! I shoulda known it was you.. but these dang masks." Admission process begun without any issues and ended with my bracelet and directions.

Some light hearted giggling and jokes went back and forth.

"You know where you goin. We will get you taken care of!"

I bow my head in appreciation and call Adrian's attention to head to surgery waiting. Butterflies weakly fluttered in my stomach; I've been here before.. no need for anxiety. If this procedure works then my pain should be relatively taken care of for a year or more. Adrian and I board the elevator, a nurse holding the door open for us.

"Floor?", she inquired while pressing her desired floor number.

"4 please." She booped the number four button before exiting on her floor, wishing us a good day.

I took the moment of us being alone to lean on Adrian, snuggling in a sense to keep my head on straight. As straight as it could be anyways.

Ding.

We exit the elevator, swinging an immediate left to make our path down a long bright hallway that then turned to a greenish blue.

Looked like we were transported back in to the 60's Hospital style.

Approaching the surgery waiting area door I received a masked-kiss on the forehead, "I'll see you before you go back. Everything will be O.Tay."

I nodded in agreeance and pushed the door bell, watching him walk down towards the waiting room. The heavy door opened, a dark haired nurse in blue greeting me and guiding me to a near by room.

Auto pilot activated as soon as the gown and bag were given to me. I stripped and slipped in to the hospital fashion, awkwardly boarding the gurney and covering myself with a pre-warmed blanket the nurse provided me. A blue mesh hair cap was stretched over my head as the process began. Repetitive questions due to their systems being changed over. More braceletes. Three failed attempts at an IV place by the same light haired short nurse who blew out my veins last time.. with the fourth successful one placed in my right AC, near the inside of my elbow, by a different nurse. I won't be bending that arm for a fat minute.. And my arms will be multi-color for a while too. Cool. That whole moment was a blur due to so many bodies coming in and out, asking different questions according to policies that had been changed for specific doctors. The Covid pandemic has thrown the health system in to a busy tizzy.

The staff came in to greet me, introduce themselves, assure me, sign consent papers for anesthesia and then Adrian was able to come back. My doctor confidently coming in behind as I was beginning to squeeze the ever living fuck out of Adrian's fingers. That beautiful chocolate hued facade didn't waver. In fact he let out a bit of kink, "Hardddeerrr", and "Yaaaaaasssss".

I waved at them slowly with the three failed attempts gauzed and taped up.

"Call me pin cushion." I joked.. honestly a bit peeved but my patience and understanding got me through.

With six people in a tiny room I think I would have some trouble placing an IV in a talking and distracted patient too..

The IV drip taste hung in my mouth, distracting me temporarily from the superficial pains in my arms.

"Yum. Electrolytes." Adrian and the Doctor gave a snicker before assuring me they would be in to get me in a few minutes.

Minutes went by, occasionally still squeezing Adrian's hand, assumedly mumbling about how happy juice would be beneficial. The lovely nurse who assisted in getting my IV placed came in, smiling with her eyes.

"You ready?!", she placed the folder appropriately named "Fix" in my lap and adjusted the gurney, also grabbing the electrolyte IV bag to place on my pillow. Adrian stood, pulling his mask down to place a full kiss on my lips before receiving the bag with my slippers and clothing from the nurse. "I love you." The sweetest words I love to hear from him. It fills my chest with joy.

"I love you too." The nurse allowed our moment before taking off the brake system of the gurney- "Lets get you fixed up, Mr. Fix." More words that sparked joy and love. Confidence flooded my mind as the bed was pushed down more bright hallways, drifting around a couple corners to a darker blue hallway but equally bright lights. On the ceiling hung a red sign- "Surgery staff only! Restricted Area! Light on When X-ray In Use"

The bed shifted for a head first entry in to the surgical suite; by far the brightest lights I have seen yet. A burst of anxiety hit as my brain faithfully reminded me that this procedure required me to be somewhat conscious... Why would I think of that now?

Then the whole team, geared up in their scrubs, gloves, masks, shields, x-ray aprons in various colors and designs go to work like a hive mind, connecting sensors and equipment after I rolled on to the surgical table. I heard a nurse struggling to find a spot without much hair so, I can only assume, an electrode pad could be placed.

I piped up, "Its fine- I have hair everywhere. When you take it off it will help me wake up.", the whole room had a giggle.

My eyes darted around the room, excitement might have been the better word to use rather than anxious. I guess they can go hand in hand sometimes. The anesthesiologist prepared a large syringe with white liquid, waiting a moment before screwing it in to the port of my IV. I could see the white mix with the electrolyte solution in the clear tubing.. like white ink in water. Swirling in a slight helix streamline to my veins.

My muscles began to relax, arms hanging from the sides of the table...which the end my head was at reminded me of an ironing board. Murmurs from the staff and cold cleaning solution became my only focus. The procedure is to find the problem nerves around my vertebral facet joints, bi laterally, or either side of my spine. Radio Frequency Ablation. Burn the nerve causing pain.. no more pain.

From the darkness I can hear my doctor calling to me, "Can you feel that? If so where?"

I assumed I made some hissing noises of pain, it did hurt and it was going right down my sciatic nerve. I drunkenly responded, the weight of the sedation keeping me relaxed.

"Yeeeeessssss-suuhhh--saaiaaaaatiiic"

The doctor responded with another question, "How far down can you feel..?"

"Miiiddddhhh thiiigh.....Hi"

I heard his smile in his voice, "Okay, good night." then commanded the staff, "Burn it."

Back to black.

But then..

That cold electrode being ripped off woke me up enough to roll on to the gurney. I remember laughing but I guess I fell back in to a sedated sleep on the way to the recovery ward. The past few times I had the test procedure done I woke up to some recovery ward antics.. I was thankful I woke up calmly.

I recognized a voice from my past couple times here, "Hi John.", I mustered past the sedation, forcing myself to come to. "Hey there Mr. Fix it. You fixed yet?" A second nurse, I will call her Miss B, leaned over the bed to check vitals. She smiled through her eyes, tired as they be. "Do you need anything dear? Water? Cola? Orange juice?"

I opted for the sugar in cola, knowing that would help me wake up for sure. Before I knew it I was leaned up in the bed, sipping at some cola through a straw..when my mouth could actually find the piece of damn tubed plastic.

"Aahh...My mouth was so dry.. felt like I had been huffin a blunt for thirty minutes." I cleared my throat after downing the rest of the cool, sugar infused goodness, lifting my mask back up. I heard a couple chuckles and smiled.

Minutes pass and I sit completely up, spine straight.. noting the difference in feeling. "How you feeling?" asked John, a dark haired slender man with glasses approached the side of my bed. "Multitudes of difference.. ", I remember saying. Conversation ensued about how I insisted the hospital invest in resting rooms for the nursing staff. Equipped with zero gravity massage chairs and oculus rift head sets so they can recharge properly. Especially with the pandemic numbers rising, again. Rooms were scarce so I opted to change in the open, Adrian coming in as the nurses tried to pull at a curtain to give me privacy.

"Hiiiiiii! They gave me sugar.", I giggled, bright eyed and bushy tailed.

Adrian laughed, "Well aren't you just alert and energized?!", my arms lifted to grabby hands for the bag of clothes. Ow. Oh-..The IV. I examined my arms as a blonde nurse in black scrubs came to help discharge me, removing stickers, sensors, and finally the IV line while giving the proper instructions on take home care to Adrian along with the paperwork that comes with everything else.

Rest for 2 days. Don't bend too much. Stretch slowly. Note the changes. Needless to say as soon as I was back home the bed gave me a warm welcome as the rest of the sedation medication metabolized. Omnoms also got metabolized as Adrian woke me up with a plate of cheese and pineapple pizza with garlic butter sauce.. and good old Dr. Thunder. I looked at the clock- it was about 10am if I remember correctly.

With the deliciousness inhaled I drifted back off to sleep.

It still felt difficult to find a comfortable position in the moments I surfaced from my dream waters, stretching, placing pillows between my knees, cuddling another pillow. A day of sleep.. waking up to Adrian's alarm for work.

Friday morning. Pain is minimal.. A soreness still lingers over my lower back, but I am confident that in the next few days I will be a new.

As I write this my heart and head are over flowing with joy and happiness. Pain is not the first thing on my mind any longer.

Now to see..how long this will last.