Is your life just just a bit too happy?
Wouldn’t it be great to ensure your unhappiness?
To guarantee a lack of success? financially and otherwise?
To be sure of poor health?
To make sure every relationship is toxic and dysfunctional?
Millions of people have experienced a life of misery…
their own personal hell…
And now it can be yours!
Ready to claim it for yourself? Read on!
And I know the list is long - but don’t despair. Just pick any one of them, do it properly, and it can be enough to affect all the areas all by itself!
Wouldn’t it be amazing If you could have utter confidence in being poor all your life? It’s easy! Just follow these simple-to-follow steps, and your utter failure in attaining wealth is assured!
- Stay Hungry - Maintain a continual state of jealousy and envy over anyone you see having success. Constantly Obsess over these points: What makes them so special? What are they doing that is different from what I’m doing? How can I get “my share”?
- Never Enough - Always complain about the state of your bank account. Even if it’s in a good state, talk about how large bills you have coming in will deplete it so quickly.
- Anywhere But Here -Do the bare minimum at your current job. It’s not going to make you rich, so why bother doing any extra? Tell others constantly about how annoying and incompetent your boss and co-workers are. Look forward to the next thing - whatever that is. For sure it will be better.
- Hold On Tight! - Hold onto the money you have with an iron fist. Begrudge the fact that you have to spend any of it all. Complain loudly about the price of food, gas, and anything else you find that you must buy.
Perfect health? Who wants such a boring existence? There are literally thousands of horrifying diseases you could be missing out on! Delights such as Heart Disease, Diabetes, and chronic obesity to name a few. Here’s how to make sure you don’t miss out.
- A “Balanced” Diet - make sure to eat a diet consisting of mostly fruits and vegetables, with plenty of whole grains (got to get that fiber!) with some sugar for an energy boost. The government’s “MyPlate” system is a good starting point. By no means consume anything that came from an animal that might give too much protein and other such nutrients.
- "No Pain, No Gain" - Set a goal of 1 hour of intense exercise a day. The more intense the better. Ideally HIIT or CrossFit. Grueling cardio sessions are good too. When you fail, berate yourself so harshly that you give up completely.
- "It’s My Genetics” - Blame your ability to achieve and maintain a healthy weight on genetics, family history, your childhood, society, sunspots, and anything else you can think of. Constantly say “I can help it, it’s my ______”
- Never Healthy - Never believe you are healthy - you either have something, are coming down with something, or are getting over something. There can be no other state.
- I Can’t Escape Them! - ”Believe that germs are everywhere, and you are incapable of defending yourself against them. Instead, wash your hands compulsively whenever you encounter something that might not have been doused with Lysol seconds before you touched it.
- Pills, Pills, Pills (Like the Destiny's Child song - but totally different) - Have 100 percent faith that the only path to good health is through pills and other medicine. Watch for the slightest ache, pain, or discomfort and immediately consult your doctor. refuse to leave the office with a prescription of some kind. That’s the only way you will get relief!
Nothing is so overrated as our relationships. Show how little they mean to you by adhering to these guidelines.
- (Conditional) Love Is All You Need - Be eternally vigilant about giving love too freely. Your supply is limited and needs to be conserved. Only give love when it is deserved.
- "Why re you so upset?" - Your words are all that matter, so pay no attention to the intent or tone behind them. If someone gets upset by your words, Just say “Sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you” or even better “I’m sorry you got hurt”. That will be sure to clear things up.
- Why Wouldn’t They? - Take the love of your family for granted. They’ll always love you, so focus your efforts on getting the *really important* people to like you.
Success is great - for other people. Make sure it stays far away by sticking to my “un-success” tips:
- Overnight Success - One attempt is all that is ever required - If you fail to have immediate success, it is a sign that it wasn’t meant to be - especially if was something you love doing. Give it up and find something new to try - preferably something that feels like a chore. That’s a sure sign it will prove successful.
- Get Your Hustle On! - If it’s not working, try harder. Who says you need 6 hours of sleep? Burn that midnight oil! Make that success come to you!
- You and Me (Against the World) - This is the song of the ego, and it loves this romantic idea. Remember that it’s all on you. The world is out to get you, and you’d better scratch, claw, and fight tooth and nail to get what you deserve!
- Where’s My Share? - There’s only so much out there, and other people are trying to take what should be yours. Keep them from doing so at any cost!
- You Know Best! - How could a divine, all-knowing entity know better than you how the universe should work? Plan meticulously how the path to success should go - you know best! Any deviation means you need to agonize over what it means, figure out what you got wrong, and develop a new plan.
- Repress, Compartmentalize, Suppress - If you have a feeling that is unpleasant or uncomfortable, just smash it into a little box, squeeze it into a tight corner in the back of your mind, and push it down until no trace of it is left. Anger, Depression, Sadness, Resentment - all are good candidates for this approach. Listen to the song “Turn It Off (Like a Light Switch)“ from The Book of Mormon - The Musical, and you’ll get the idea.
- It’s Other People - Unhappy? It’s not you. It’s other people that are making you that way. Silently curse them, sabotage them whenever possible, and find better people to hang around with. For sure they will be better!
- The "Good Old Days" - Your childhood, last week, the decade before you were born - all were better times than today. Wish for them to come back, support politicians who offer to bring them back, and mourn wistfully over their passing, saying how horrible things are now.
- Your Body is Your Reality - By all means, consider yourself as a body, and only a body. A structure created by random chance that will crumble into dust in a few short years. To top it off, what you believe in as Free Will is an illusion, and your life is driven by the state of your brain and the trillions of neurons and synapses within it. Even better if you can create poor sleep on a nightly basis by worrying about these concepts!
- Existential Angst - Spend every day reviewing the scientific theories that the universe is constantly expanding, and one day will be entirely dead - no life anywhere. Just a bunch of dead suns and rocks in a vast emptiness. And long before that are the inevitable climate disaster and planet-killing asteroid strikes to look forward to. And how could we forget the Sun engulfing the Earth? What a bright future!
- Look Out For #1 - Other people are only important if they treat you well, and give you something valuable. Otherwise, feel free to direct your scorn towards them.
- You Are Unlucky - Nothing good ever comes to you by chance. Only hard work will bring anything good. Believe this will all your heart.
- Vengeful God - If you must believe in a God, make sure it is one who believes you are inherently sinful - and deserve to be punished. If bad things have happened, it’s what you deserved, and surely you are doomed because of your irredeemably sinful nature.
- Prove it!** - You must prove your worth every day. Only those who have proven themselves deserve the good life.
- Be prepared! - Keep this motto of the Boy Scouts in mind at all times - Always hope for the best, but expect the worst. That way you will be prepared and never disappointed.
- Hunches Are For Fools - Make sure every decision is made after doing a thorough analysis, carefully weighing all the alternatives, and then proceeding in a perfectly logical fashion. People who fail to do so are ignorant - and you are better than them - so much better!
You are what you habitually do. So to ensure that what you are is “not happy”, make sure to follow these practices every day!
- Waste of Time - Never even think about foolishness such as meditation, or relaxation techniques - they are a complete waste of time - and you’ve got things to do! Instead, dwell on all the mistakes you’ve made and how much you suck and are thoroughly incompetent, all the while attempting to be “productive”.
- "This Sucks!” - When you are waiting in line, stuck in traffic, or just confronted by any unpleasant situation, focus your attention on how unfair this is and how miserable you are.
- Constant Entertainment - Watch TV or social media for at least 3 hours a day. Focus mostly on news, politics, and action movies with lots of violent images. But by no means watch anything funny inspiring or insightful.
- Sedentary Is the Way to Go! - If at all possible, sit at your desk all day long, taking breaks as briefly as possible. If you find you must go for a walk, or some other such activity, do it while staring at your phone so you don’t miss any important news. Or the latest cat video.
Yes, you too can join the ranks of the depressed, despondent souls. A truly miserable experience is awaiting you. Don’t wait a second longer! Act now!
The Real Story
Of course, this is satire. Yet many people (including me!) have approached life this way, hoping for success and happiness. If you want a rock-solid path to the life you envision, there is no better place to start than with the Miracle Morning - my daily routine for success and happiness as a Spiritual Being. Use the link in my bio.
And if you have any tips to add, please share them! Have a wonderful day!