A COVID CHRISTMAS

HAVING A COVID CHRISTMAS

Recently, I came across an internet meme suggesting that we should take the time to look back on the Covid pandemic up to now and consider if and how we could have done better.

Well, I never really thought about it, but I suppose if I had tried harder, my despair could have been more fulsome.

Dealing with the coronavirus has been an on-going downer, so suggesting that we could have made it more meaningful isn’t likely to get added to most people’s to-do lists. Honestly, do you think anybody wants to get GOOD at this?

We’ve already had ten months of skulking around and worrying that someone, possibly even you, might LOSE IT the next time you hear someone say, “Well, I guess that’s the New Normal.”

We have constantly been re-assured that we still have the trappings of a vibrant culture, but there are always things missing. Like those inflatable Christmas decorations that have become popular, they might look good when they’re pumped and lit, but in the light of day - deflated, extinguished, and laid out on the cold ground - they’re kind of sad.

Still, there must be SOMETHING good to say about it now that we’re almost in the throes of another JOYEAUX NOEL.

Oh, let’s give it a try.

YOUR PARENTS CAN’T GIVE YOU A HARD TIME FOR NOT PLANNING AHEAD FOR THIS. At the moment, it’s really hard for them to team up with your Inner Critic and claim THEY never let silly things like epidemics hold them back when they were your age. Even their usual strategies for shaming you toward success aren’t really measuring up. “You don’t see your cousins wearing sweatpants, binge-watching TV and eating too much cheese… Well, at least they buy GOOD cheese.”

NO ONE IS SPENDING MUCH TIME TRYING TO STAY ON THE CUTTING EDGE OF FASHION. Thankfully, “Does this mask make me look fat?” hasn’t become a new catchphrase. Similarly, when you actually DO get a chance to go out, it isn’t likely there will be too much time spent giving each other a judgemental once-over. “You’re not planning to wear THAT to The Pandemic, are you?”

IT’S SO MUCH EASIER TO AVOID “CLOSE TALKERS.” It’s amazing (well, maybe it’s not) how much you don’t miss people like that guy who insists on aggressively invading your personal space, getting closer and closer until you’re sure you can smell a hint of dog food on his breath. He must think that once you’re close enough to get a whiff of his superior pheromones, you’ll definitely be okay with it.

WELL-DRESSED RELIGIOUS ZEALOTS HAVE STOPPED KNOCKING ON YOUR FRONT DOOR. They were leaving magazines and stuff in your mailbox for a while, but that can’t possibly be as satisfying as smiling at you maniacally and degrading your faith system face-to-face. One of them actually tried to PHONE the other day, explaining that they were curious to know what I thought about God. “Supreme beings are over-rated,” I replied and hung up.

PEOPLE HAVE STOPPED INSISTING THAT “IT’S ONLY A LITTLE COLD.” It’s amazing how minimal their sicknesses are, next to nothing, really, not the kind of infections that are actually BAD or anything. Not really, and we’re so glad you’re staying home.

HANDY PEOPLE ARE BACK IN VOGUE. Suddenly, people who can fix, make, cook, or do stuff are considered good people to keep in your bubble, especially after that unfortunate sourdough starter accident took out your fridge a few months back.

And remember,

SOMEWHERE IN YOUR NEIGHBOURHOOD, THERE’S PROBABLY ENOUGH TOILET PAPER STASHED AWAY TO LAST EVERYBODY FOR THE NEXT FIVE YEARS.