ADHD Paralysis

One thing I have always struggled with is the fear of being or seeming "lazy". When I was younger and in school, that looked like taking AP classes, extracurriculars, and concurrent college classes. As an adult, it has looked like working multiple jobs, scheduling activities for the family, and piling on home projects. I constantly look outward to gauge productivity as though the standard for productivity is superior outside of myself.

Something I have learned about myself and the way my brain processes things through the lens of ADHD is that I process everything internally. And not just like, one thing at a time but literally everything all at once. My brain is racing a million miles a minute. It is overwhelming and exhausting AF. But the problem is, all of that overwhelm is happening internally. On the outside, it looks like nothing at all. I could be scrolling on my phone while sitting on the couch. I could be loading the dishwasher. Whatever the productivity level looks like, there is always an inner marathon going on in my brain.

This discovery and my diagnosis is recent. To put this in perspective, I am turning thirty in a few months. I received my official diagnosis a few months after turning 29. So for all of the major developmental milestones in my life, I've struggled with these associations. And, since being diagnosed with ADHD, I have learned so much more about it than I ever knew. The idea that ADHD is soley and attention issue is a complete misnomer. The reality is this. ADHD is a neurobehavioral disorder that does impact the brain's ability to focus or be still but... its deficit is in dopamine. The ADHD brain is constantly looking for the next dopamine fix because it never ever has enough. Dopamine is a chemical that our bodies make that promotes feelings of pleasure, satisfaction, and motivation. If your body under develops dopamine, the brain and body will seek those feelings externally. So, it may seem like an attention issue. It may seem like little jimmy just can't sit still. But why is that? Because poor little jimmy's body is lacking the chemical balance that aids in being able to slow down feel content. His body is too busy trying to find those feel good chemicals and most of the time, the efforts don't amount to much. So for me, finding out I have this dopamine deficit actually helped me to change the way I look at myself and my productivity.

When I can't muster up the motivation to do a project, or when I scroll on social media a little too long, or when I busy myself with other things that aren't important or priority, it's because my brain can't and doesn't supply me with the proper levels of dopamine required to get the thing done. And when I "just can't"... I really cannot. That's what we call, "ADHD paralysis". It's a real thing- body and brain just become overwhelmed and overloaded- thinking all the thoughts at lightning speed, and not able to move. I used to think it was laziness. I used to think I was just a procrastinator. I used to think if I just tried harder I would be like everybody else. But that's simply not true. I'm not lazy. I am an involuntary dopamine junky with racing thoughts and sever exhaustion and burn out.

Knowing this about myself and understanding that I'm not just a flawed individual in an over achieving society has helped me to reframe how I move about my day and how I perceive myself. I now am fully aware that I am a part of an over- achieving society but that I was never going to fit in there no matter how hard I tried(and I tried so hard). Instead, I have acknowledged that I don't have to and realized that I don't want to. I am now working on the ability to achieve a state of balance in my brain and body so that I can function in a healthy way. I work jobs that appeal to my need to create(I don't get bored and I get a sense of fulfillment). I organize my house in ways where I can live comfortably. There is not a single dresser in my house because I hate doing laundry and folding clothes. I got rid of my nightstand because it became a place for everything but the things I would want beside my bed. Everything has a place and is accessible. Drawers and other dark places are the enemy. Strict timelines are a fair weather friend. Each day is mostly the same but there's always a little wiggle room to change something up(in case I need the dopamine and my normal go tos aren't cuttin' it).

The point I'm making here is that this paralysis happens a lot less when the standard to perform and produce is limited. I decide how I want to live my life and I decide what it looks like. It's not lazy, it's ingenious and inventive and innovative and individualized. AND... it works for me. Until it doesn't and then I change it up again which works really well for me.

What misconceptions directed your life until you realized they were only founded on the ideals of the patriarchy?