You Say Potato, I say... Tortilla de Patatas (but i might be drunk)

Step 1 - Make an enourmous batch of Sangria. (Preferably enough to get an entire football team drunk.) Spanish fútbol though, because I'm talking about Spanish tortilla, which incidentally, has nothing to do with tortillas made of corn or flour, which I admit is terribly confusing but in Spain a torta is cake and a little torta is a tortilla, see? And the thing I'm talking about is a— drumroll please...

Tortilla de Patatas - a little cake of potatoes.

But now that I think about it, it's really not that little, it's more like medium size, or whatever size your frying pan happens to be, but this isn't important. What IS important, is that this is literally the BEST day drinking food EVER. Forget the fries, forget the pizza— we can have that argument all day, but I digress.

Where was I?

Oh yeah. Step 1, the sangria.

Yes, if you're feeling lazy and you don't want to whip up a batch of Sangria, tortilla pairs well with a nice bottle of Spanish Cava (sparkling wine). If you're fresh out of Cava you could maybe try a gin and tonic, or mimosas, or a few shots of tequila, or you know, any alcoholic beverage really. Trust me, it goes great with everything. You really can't go wrong. Just look at it. It's eggs and potatoes and delicious, drunk comfort in every bite.

Okay, I lied. No, wait, technically, I didn't. The purest, most traditional tortilla is nothing but eggs and potatoes and olive oil (and a few dashes of salt and pepper). I personally prefer it with the addition of a few garlic cloves and a wee bit of onion. But I also lied when I told you nothing could go wrong. I'm telling you from personal experience #ashittonofthings CAN and will go wrong. (Especially if you're day drinking.) So here's the disclaimer.

Ahem...

If you are day drinking, your tortilla de patatas (which, according to historians, originated in the Spanish village of Villanueva de la Serena, where the dish was recently honored with a giant statue of a tasty slice) is extremely unlikely to look like the one pictured above. In addition, it will almost definitely be overcooked. AND, if you are day drinking (and you're anything like me) it is quite likely that you didn't go to the store to purchase free range organic eggs or potatoes so fresh you can still smell the bouquet of earth on them, and it is equally unlikely that you happen to have a bottle of olive oil that hasn't turned into lamp oil let alone a Spanish one. And furthermore, to wit, overcooking your tortilla whilst using 'not-very-fresh' ingredients can impart a slight fishy taste on the final product that you absolutely WILL NOT notice because we're day drinking, remember?

In summary, IF you are making tortilla de patatas for anyone you would like to impress, this author, T Marie, having lived in Spain and based on a great deal of personal experience, highly recommends you make this recipe sober. I apologize for this rather sobering news.

In Spain, Tortilla de Patatas is made and served in virtually every home and restaurant that has a kitchen. It is perfection at room temperature. (Do NOT put that shit in the fridge, just leave it on the counter and munch another sliver between glasses of sangria until you have eaten ALL of it.)

This dish elevates the simplicity of potatoes and eggs to a gourmet travel experience, no matter what time of day you eat it, or how drunk or sober you are at the time. Let's watch Albert Bevia of Spain on a Fork do this!

Did you get all that? No? Yeaaaah, Albert is amazing but he goes really fast.

Here are the ingredients and steps (including my personal additions) in case you're day drinking and don't want to write it down...

*Note, this recipe works best in a 9" nonstick frying pan.

Ingredients

• Peeled and thinly sliced gold potatoes
• 1/3 cup olive oil
• 6 eggs
• 3 whole garlic cloves
• 1/4 cup minced onion
• Salt and pepper to taste

Instructions

1. Wash, pat dry, peel, and thinly slice the potatoes while sipping sangria (or other beverage of choice). Try not to cut yourself, especially since your knives haven't been sharpened since 2012.
2. Add the potatoes to your frying pan as you cut them, so you know when you have enough. (It's enough when you've nearly filled the pan, unless you run out of potatoes before then, and then it's still enough.) Transfer the potatoes to a large bowl and wipe the potato starch out of your frying pan.
3. Heat olive oil and garlic in the pan over medium heat for 2 minutes, then add the sliced potatoes and stir them well to coat. Now, stop srirring. No, I'm serious, you have to STOP. Let them cook for EXACTLY 15 minutes, STIRRING OCCASIONALLY. This will seem like an eternity. Have another glass of sangria. Or Cava. Or what-ev-er.
4. After 5 minutes of staring at the pan with your spatula in hand, put it down and walk away. I promise the 15 minutes of torture will end soon. If you keep stirring like that, you'll make fried, mashed taters and THIS is NOT that recipe. Busy yourself by chopping the onion and then whisking the eggs in the bowl that had the potatoes in it. (Why dirty an extra bowl?)
5. When the timer goes off, take a large swig of sangria. Debate with yourself whether or not you want to find and pick out those 3 whole garlic cloves. (They're like getting the little surprise plastic baby in a king cake at Mardi Gras, except they're actually edible.) Have another swig of sangria and just leave them, or don't- dealers choice!
6. Add the onion, and salt and pepper to taste to the potatoes in the pan. Stir, sip sangria, and add a little a more salt and pepper, just because. NOW, STOP STIRRING, DAMNIT! Groan, set your timer for 10 minutes and go lay on the couch and lament your broken life.
7. When the timer finally goes off, jump up and embrace your amazing life. DUMP THE POTOATOES FROM THE FRYING PAN INTO THE BOWL OF WHISKED EGGS. This is important, people. DO NOT DUMP THE EGGS INTO THE FRYING PAN NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU WANT TO. It will come out ALL wrong. Reduce heat under the frying pan to LOW.
8. In the bowl, stir the potatoes and eggs together BRIEFLY to coat, then dump back into the frying pan. Set timer for 4 minutes.
9. Grab a plate without a lip that's slightly larger than the frying pan. Salivate. Drink more sangria. Slide a rubber spatula around the edge of the tortilla several times to make sure it isn't sticking. When your 4 minutes are up, place the plate on top of the frying pan and do the move. (Aka, press the plate to the top of the pan and flip the frying pan over so the tortilla is on the plate.) Are we done yet? Almost.
10. Quickly slide the tortilla off the plate and into the pan, leaving the uncooked side down. Let it go for 4 minutes. Take a drink.
11. Keep drinking because now it smells insanely amazing and you're so so so hungry.
12. When the timer goes off slide that thing onto a clean plate and attempt to have the will power to wait 15 minutes for it to cool to room temp before slicing and eating with gazpacho or ketchup, or whatever accoutrements you'd like.
13. Or don't wait. Just eat it!

Salud!