Top Six Tricks to Being a Terrible AirBnB Guest

My husband and I run an AirBnb on five acres in the Pacific Northwest that is also home to two dogs, one floppy-eared bunny, a plethora of ducks and chickens, a rescue aviary full of doves, finches, and quail, and a cat who fancies herself the queen of all of us. It is a labor of love that is equal parts insanity, joy, frustration, and laughter. Most of our guests are incredible, lovely people that we remember fondly. But it's the terrible guests who are seared forever in our memories. Here's how to be one...

#1. DON'T READ

That's right, don't even bother actually READING the AirBnB listing before you book. Just look at a couple of the photos, assume there's enough room to accommodate you, your mom, your dog, your boyfriend, your boyfriend's best friend, plus that weird friend you had in college that you decided to invite at the last minute because you realized she lives just one town over from where you're headed. BUT—and this is the important part— only make your booking for ONE person, thereby necessitating that we simply suck up the extra cost, or enter into AirBnB's mind-bogglingly difficult process of requesting additional payment, which means you haven't even arrived and we already loathe you.

#2. DON'T COMMUNICATE

Regardless of how many polite, inquiring messages we send you in advance, don't respond to any of them or send us even a hint as to your arrival time. Just show up late and presume you can somehow navigate a home and property you've never been to before (in the dark) without reading ANY of the highly-detailed, self-check in instructions. When you're sitting in our driveway at 9:45 pm and realize the property is rather large and you have NO CLUE where to go, PANIC and start sending us messages in rapid fire succession demanding that I shrug off my wine bliss and hold your hand through the self-check in instructions you failed to read.

#3. BE HIGH MAINTENANCE

Even though we are a pet-friendly listing and you are BRINGING YOUR OWN DOG... send me a message two days prior to your arrival saying you are HIGHLY allergic to ALL OTHER DOGS and you'll need me to shampoo all the carpets 24 hours prior to your arrival. DO IT. Do it because I love flirting with our "Superhost" status and practicing my rhetoric by finding a few dozen ways to insult you in my response messages without you even realizing you're being insulted.

#4. RUIN ALL THE TOWELS

PLEASE please please, absolutely, use our spotless white towels to remove your makeup, dry off your dog, wipe off your shoes, sop up wine spills, and clean up your child's vomit. We LOVE this. Never mind about the basket of old towels we've provided for those exact purposes that's clearly labeled and within easy reach.

#5. SHARE YOUR BACON

On the morning of your checkout, make a massive breakfast and fry at least two pounds of bacon. And be sure to do that special thing you do where you insure that the grease splatters ALL OVER every surface of the kitchen and then miraculously gets smeared throughout the house in the form of gooey handprints. The smell lingers for DAYS. It's brilliant.

#6. LEAVE THE BEST OF YOURSELF BEHIND

Finally, if you would like to make absolutely certain that we will prattle on about you for hours, sipping wine and regaling ourselves with tales of your absolute wretchedness— please clog the toilet just before you leave and don't bother telling anyone. Your thoughtfulness will be treasured, always.

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