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Writer's Block: an All New Formula

A comedic parody on infomercials and writer's block

By Ian ReadPublished about a year ago 3 min read
Top Story - June 2023
A tube of Writer's Block (TM); original image from Unsplash, altered by Ian Read using Pixlr

Have you ever had an idea that just gnaws at you, something that just takes up all your headspace for a day? Are you having trouble staying focused at work or keeping up with your local game of sports ball? Do your spouse or kids call for you and you don't hear them because you're fiercely pounding away at a keyboard in the other room? If so, then we have the perfect solution for you! We are introducing the all new and improved formula cream: Writer's Block! (Now approved by the FDA!*)

Writer's Block is made by your friends at Uncertainty Inc. It contains a patented formula of secret ingredients certain to stop the formulation and retention of ideas for between 6 to 12 hours per application. All you need to do is take a little dollop of the patented skin cream and lather it over any exposed areas. You never know where those ideas will get in, so it's best to put on a second layer and ensure you are well protected. Even the most powerful and moving ideas cannot touch you now, thanks to your pal Writer's Block!

Do you find yourself staring off in the distance, imagining far away lands and eccentric mystical creatures? Studies suggest spontaneous fantasy is the leading cause of roadway accidents and road rage instigation.** Not to mention, not everyone has time to ponder the meaning of the cosmos or suppose the nature of morality. If you ever find yourself under the dangerous rays of supposition, Writer's Block has you covered!

We regret that previous versions of Writer's Block were not as reliable, so our new team of chemists, skincare experts, and mildly eccentric shut-ins have ensured that this product contains the following customer requested protections:

A New Condensed Formula: You won't need to feel greasy and gross as our formula now allows you to use less Writer's Block for the same trusted affect.

Smear Resistant: Once Writer's Block is applied, it stays on for the advertised minimum of 6 hours. We at Uncertainty Inc. seek nothing but perfection.

Water Resistant Cream: Writer's Block is now fully ensured to offer you protection from ideas in watery environs. This formula is perfect for inconvenient shower thoughts!

Sweat Resistance: The last thing you want is to be out on a morning jog or weekend hike and have the whistling trees and fresh air giving you ideas. Writer's Block has your back!

SPF 50,000: Ideas shouldn't touch you, neither should the sun!

As you can see, Writer's Block is perfect for the whole family, and everyone could use their own tube.*** Get your tube today for five easy cash payments of $19.99! (We also accept payment in sardines, half-eaten apple cores, and uncooked strands of whole-wheat spaghetti.)

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*Writer's Block is in no way endorsed by the United States Food and Drug Association. This is because this product is fictional.... and made in the same factory as strychnine.

**No studies suggest this whatsoever. Greg in marketing was having a laugh. Greg has been sacked.

***Writer's Block is not recommended for novelists, poets, academics, stand-up philosophers, and federal legislators.

Writer's Block may result in songs getting stuck in your head or wistful staring out windows. Consult your doctor if these symptoms occur.

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Thank you for reading my first submission to the Humor community. If you enjoyed this dive into my twisted sense of humor, give a like and a subscribe and check out some of my older humor pieces like my series Secret Little Wars or my Poem Indecision: a moment of mental mayhem. If you also like serious topics, I have you covered as well!

Stay funny my friends.

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About the Creator

Ian Read

I am an archaeologist and amateur story-teller. I publish a variety of content, but usually I write short and serial fantasy and sci-fi.

Find me on:

||Discord||Twitch||

From New Hampshire

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Comments (20)

  • Jazzy 10 months ago

    This was INCREDIBLY FUNNY

  • Nitu Gupta12 months ago

    Awesome 👍 https://vocal.media/journal/us-economy-is-so-good-why-are-small-business-owners-so-pessimistic-by-nitu-gupta

  • Leslie Writesabout a year ago

    This is so fun. You nailed the infomercial parody! Also love the “stand up philosopher” reference. And damn those inconvenient shower thoughts! 🤣

  • Jay Kantorabout a year ago

    So Ian you amuse me ~ Fun to Read-Read *Subscribe ~ If possible could I get a 'Schticle' sample of that 'Goop' to see if will help me - Nah - I just throw my ideas against the wall to see what may 'Schtick' and that's what I write. Nice to meet you - You jump well into the Senior Pond - Jay Jay Kantor, Chatsworth, California 'Senior' Vocal Author - Vocal Author Community -

  • Ash Digestabout a year ago

    This is awesome you nailed it XD

  • Ashley Limaabout a year ago

    LOL! Ian, you KILLED this!!! Do you have any miracle remedy to reverse writer's block when it happens naturally? Asking for a friend, of course...

  • L.C. Schäferabout a year ago

    "Federal legislators" slayed me 🤣

  • ARCabout a year ago

    😂 This was so well-done 👏 Thanks for the laff break and bravo on a worthy TS!!

  • Gina C.about a year ago

    This is so clever -- had me giggling for sure! 😅 I need some of this formula 🧐 Congrats on Top Story!! ❤️

  • S. A. Crawfordabout a year ago

    This is fantastic :D I got a good chuckle reading this. I love how you NAILED the salesy advertisement tone

  • Shivani Parekhabout a year ago

    Such a hilarious read! The moment I would stop laughing at one line, the wit in the next line immediately took over and I just kept laughing! I would love to read if a company comes up with an Anti-Writer's block cream...

  • Obsidian Wordsabout a year ago

    This is fricken PERFECT. I love it so much, best way to wake up and shake of a weird mood!!!! You well deserve this top story!!!!!!

  • Dana Crandellabout a year ago

    A fun read. Congratulations on Top Story!

  • Heather Hublerabout a year ago

    Ah, just what I needed today - a heavy dose of comedic relief! Love your sense of humor. And the ** with Greg getting sacked was gold. Well done! Congratulations on Top Story :)

  • Hannah E. Aaronabout a year ago

    This is amazing!! I love the asterisked asides! They add to the infomercial feeling! Awesome job on this!

  • Real Poeticabout a year ago

    This is really really clever! 🎉 Congratulations

  • Amanda Starksabout a year ago

    Oh my god, I feel so called out, but also my eyes are tearing up from painful laughter!! One of my favorite parts: All you need to do is take a little dollop of the patented skin cream and lather it over any exposed areas. You never know where those ideas will get in, so it's best to put on a second layer and ensure you are well protected. This was so funny! Nice job, Ian.

  • Cezanne Libellenabout a year ago

    Haha, this is hilarious!!! Nice job Ian!!

  • Judey Kalchik about a year ago

    AH! Clever!!!!!!!

  • Kendall Defoe about a year ago

    Think I have a Costco-sized supply somewhere... :) You made me laugh on a Monday!

Ian ReadWritten by Ian Read

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