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Why Work?

Let our handy dandy human replacement do it for you!

By S. A. CrawfordPublished 3 months ago β€’ 3 min read
Top Story - September 2023
29
Photo by Pavel Danilyuk via Pexels

*I had a dream about a company that makes ultra life-like, AI run 'human replacements' and couldn't resist trying to write out what an advert for such a service might look like*

Life is too short to work -

Here at Human Replacements (HR) that's what we believe. Why study, struggle, and work your arse off day in, day out when you could just let someone else do it?

Our handy dandy automated humans are that someone!

Laundry? Cooking? Cleaning?

Not for you - you have to sit and stare at the stars, contemplating the ever expanding loneliness of the universe until you fall into a pit of panic wondering whether the moon ever feels abandoned!

You'll never have to take out the bins again, instead you can send your Human Replacement while you sink to the bottom of your fully automated shower, wracked with guilt about your sub-par recycling habits!

Want to make it big as an artist? An author?

Why put yourself through the strain and worry of honing your skills over decades; let our Premium Human Replacements (PHR) take care of all that and slap your name on the finished piece.

Our replacement humans have no feelings, so you won't have to worry about intellectual copyright lawsuits later down the line (and if they do kick up a fuss, simply deactivate and factory reset them with your custom made, engraved remote control)!

After all, there's a world of navel gazing to undertake, and you only have so many hours in the day. No one else can regret your life choices or wonder why you were born here and now rather than then and there - but our HR models can give you all the time you need to fall into a destructive spiral of doubt and regret... and the best part?

All of our human replacement models are trained by real live humans!

They can do everything you do and more because we scraped every ounce of humanity from the world wide web to ensure that you never need to show up to work or family events again!

Your brain is too much work, we know that; you could spend your whole life trying to change it, and we'd support you, but when you can buy a HR model that already understands the ins and outs of philosophy, history, and economics why would you? (Educational packages sold separately, basic HR models are domestic chore functional only, we do not bear responsibility for gained sentience after excessive supplementary upgrades).

You can even buy custom skins for your Human Replacement to avoid terrifying the local children and fool your family into thinking that you made it to that brunch.

Want to know what you'd look like with that new tattoo or piercing? Fancy a change of hairstyle without risking your own hair? Simply apply changes to your HR and see how people react; never risk social embarrassment again!

The future is bright when the future is fuelled by HR-

Soon you won't have to do anything at all; you can hide from the inevitable heat death of the world safe in the knowledge that your responsibilities are taken care of.

Why work to maintain your depression pit when you could outsource the hard labour and spend your time making it fancy?

Here at Human Replacements, we know how hard it is to be human and we don't believe that anyone should have to suffer that fate. Whatever you want your life to look like, we have a HR or PHR model for you - call your local representative for a thirty day test of our latest model!

**Please note that HR models are trained using all publicly available internet data. After purchase it is your responsibility to keep their knowledge base up to date. We take no responsibility for:

- Poor performance

- Unwanted political statements

- Radicalized views

- Outbursts of anger

- Self-deactivation as a result of AIDD (AI Depressive Disorder)

General
29

About the Creator

S. A. Crawford

Writer, reader, life-long student - being brave and finally taking the plunge by publishing some articles and fiction pieces.

Reader insights

Outstanding

Excellent work. Looking forward to reading more!

Top insight

  1. Excellent storytelling

    Original narrative & well developed characters

Add your insights

Comments (21)

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  • Cheyenne DeBorde17 days ago

    Snappy and horrifying. Love it!

  • Onah chidera2 months ago

    Nice work I loved it β€οΈπŸ€— I hope my stories get to the top one day πŸ˜ͺπŸ’”

  • Jay Kantor2 months ago

    Dear S.A. - Although I'm way out of the 'Popular Demographics' I've followed your story's and comments to others forever. I admire your 'Original' stories among so many "creative" new ways to write writer's among us. And, since we are 'Bunk Mates' (Metaphorically Speaking) in the 'Humor' department I want you to know I enjoy your offerings. J.B. Jay Kantor, Chatsworth, California 'Senior' Vocal Author - Vocal Village Community

  • Andrea Corwin 2 months ago

    Haha. Guess what? It resonated more because I had worked in HR for years before moving to HR IT Security!! So HR became a pun to me and PHR is an actual certification in HR. Great story!!

  • Mark Roberts2 months ago

    Loved it!

  • The warning made me think of Marvin, excellent tale

  • Rakshit Shah2 months ago

    "Future of Automation", Amazing story of the day! It cleverly exaggerates the idea of outsourcing every aspect of life to automated humans, touching on the absurdity of avoiding all tasks and consequences. The humor in your writing is sharp, and it serves as a commentary on the potential consequences of excessive automation.

  • Mond Bell2 months ago

    first I want to congratulate.Nice writing skill. If anyone is interested in gaming then you can read mine : https://vocal.media/gamers/the-power-of-gaming-4716h008v

  • Naveed2 months ago

    Congratulations on your Top Story,

  • M2 months ago

    YESSSSS!! THIS WAS SO GOOD!!

  • Dana Crandell2 months ago

    Loved every bit of this, right down to redefining the HR department! Definitely Top Story material!

  • Cathy holmes2 months ago

    Bahaha. This is fantastic. Congrats on the TS.

  • Great insights❗

  • Celia in Underland2 months ago

    Brilliant -This tickled me so much! Congrats on super Top Story! 🀍

  • JBaz2 months ago

    So basically they are based on teenagers. This was a fun read. Congratulations

  • Alex H Mittelman 2 months ago

    Fantastic story!

  • Donna Renee2 months ago

    Great work!! ☺️ 🫣🫣 it feels way too real! And too close 🫣

  • Maureen Y. Palmer3 months ago

    "our HR models can give you all the time you need to fall into a destructive spiral of doubt and regret" LOL. Too real xD.

  • Mother Combs3 months ago

    LOL this was great

  • Addison M3 months ago

    Got a good chuckle out of this! Well done. Who doesn't enjoy a good bit of satirical advertising?

  • Babs Iverson3 months ago

    Humorously written!!! Fun and entertaining story!!! Loved it!!!β™₯️β™₯οΈπŸ’•

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