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People's Exhibit A

Proof of a most daring heist

By S. A. CrawfordPublished 9 months ago 4 min read
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**Some dogs like to live life on the edge, this much is true, but the accused, Tia, should have been called Evel after a man who is clearly her icon, Evel Knievel. You see, Tia does not laugh in the face of death; she sprints toward it with abandon, looking at safety and sanity in the rearview mirror. I could list her crimes against common sense, decency, and intelligence all day, good people of the jury, but what good would it do?

From lodging her head in a farmer's fence, an incident that ended with five staples in her neck and a two hundred pound veterinary bill for her owner, to pushing her brother down a flight of stairs in her hurry to investigate the rustle of a distant Dentastix wrapper, Tia has created more havoc in ten years that her cute little... fuzzy... soft-eared face...

What was I saying? Oh, yes, she is a master of chaos.

What has the accused done this time? Why, no less than pilfer half a cheese sandwich from a hardworking veterinary professional while that professional was trying their very best to keep her alive and well!

You don't believe me? Just look at this:

Mug Shot Taken of the Accused Hours After the Incident

Is that not the face of guilt? Still wearing the evidence of the vet's hard work with her belly full of illicit cheddar and ill-gotten bread. If you are unconvinced - there is damning evidence.

The night before the incident, the accused, a diabetic, experienced the symptoms of a hypoglycemic crisis and had to be rushed to the animal hospital. Though treated gently and with love, she took it upon herself to defecate on the vet's floor. Nonetheless, she was cared for overnight before being released into her owner's care in the morning and was taken to her usual vet, who we will call Lucy for privacy.

Lucy, a consummate professional, took the accused in and cared for her all day, providing insulin, water, food, pats and cuddles... even a cosy bed to lie in. Everything a dog could wish for... right? Wrong, distinguished ladies and gentlemen for Tia's hunger for cheese cannot be contained. Allowed to lounge at leisure rather than being held in a kennel because of her previous good behavior in the establishment, Tia found her opportunity as Lucy was filling in paperwork and enjoying a bite to eat.

Light on her feet and spry despite her advanced years, the accused did wait until Lucy was distracted and crept upon her before utilising her long neck, pointy sighthound snout, and surprisingly precise tongue control to snatch half of the poor victims sandwich whereupon she fled, chewing exponentially faster as she did so.

The proof? I submit to you, her glucose results:

People's Exhibit A - Proof of Sudden Blood Sugar Spike

Do you see gentle people of the jury, that sudden spike in her blood sugar at lunchtime? The proof is there, clear as day in People's Exhibit A! Tia's blood sugar does not lie; it was fed by the stolen cheddar (which I have been told was Cathedral City - a truly heinous loss for the victim). Her blood sugar and confidence boosted by her successful crime, the accused had only one thing left to do; dispose of the evidence.

Alas for her, she was now being watched. Under this scrutiny, her dastardly attempts to sabotage and pervert the course of justice were thwarted. People's Exhibit B shows her failed attempts to chew her way to the perfect crime:

People's Exhibit B - Proof of Attempted Evidence Destruction

Had Lucy and her colleagues not been so eagle-eyed, she would have eaten the evidence as surely as she chewed, played with, and presented to her owners' ex-boyfriend's family a pair of new, lacy Victoria's Secret pants when she was just a pup.

Larceny, destruction of evidence, and general tomfoolery are the accused crime's - how do you find her? Guilty or not guilty?

**This is a piece of humourous writing which has been partially embellished for fun (and to avoid dragging real people into my nonsense); Tia is now fine - her blood sugar spike may or may not have been impacted by theft of cheese as she is actually diabetic, but it was simply too funny to ignore. Any likes and comments will be passed to Tia, who deserves every pet and cuddle she gets.

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About the Creator

S. A. Crawford

Writer, reader, life-long student - being brave and finally taking the plunge by publishing some articles and fiction pieces.

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Comments (2)

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  • Ian Read9 months ago

    The jury finds her guilty of a crime most adorable. Awesome job!

  • Emma C9 months ago

    So enchantingly amusing! I always love stories about our cute pets committing such heinous crimes. And that first picture of guilty Tia? That was just priceless!!

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