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Up Your Jacksi with a Big Black Taxi!

Pillowtalk in the real world

By Brendan DonaghyPublished 3 months ago 4 min read
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Up Your Jacksi with a Big Black Taxi!
Photo by Sincerely Media on Unsplash

No matter how stressed or tired you might be, lovingly check in with your partner for a quick connection, a question about their day, a nice tight hug, a bit of appreciation. Sleepnumber.com, February 2024

I’m lying on my shoulder, holding a book in my right hand and trying to scratch my back with my left. She notices.

“If you give me your skin cream, I’ll put it on,” she says.

“Wouldn’t do you much good,” I say. “It only works if you have eczema.”

“I meant, put it on you!” she says.

“I know what you meant,” I say. “I was being funny.”

“You know what’s going to be funny? Me watching you dislocate your elbow trying to rub cream between your shoulder blades. Can you turn your light more to your side? It’s going straight in my eyes.”

“I’ve turned it away from the bed as far as I can. It’s barely hitting my book now.”

Slow Reader

“What are you reading?”

“The Anne Tyler one.”

“Still? You’ve been reading that for weeks. It takes you ages to get through a book.”

“Only because you start chatting as soon as we get into bed! Why don’t you get these conversations off your chest before we come up?”

“I prefer to watch Netflix.”

“So, you only talk to me because we don’t have a TV in the bedroom?”

“More or less. Is my phone over on your side? I can’t see it.”

“It’s usually between the duvets. You wouldn’t keep losing it every ten minutes if we only had one duvet instead of two. It’s not like it’s cold.”

“My feet get cold with just one. Push it off your side if you’re too warm. I don’t see the phone - can you ring me?”

“No point. It’ll be on silent at this time.”

“Will it not vibrate?”

“How should I know – it’s your phone! Get out of bed and pull the top duvet down. It’ll be there.”

She gets out of bed and pulls the duvet back.

“There it is,” she says.

“Big surprise,” I reply. “Don’t put the duvet back over my side. I’ll end up having another nightmare if I overheat again.”

The Nightmare

“Why do you always howl like a husky when you have a nightmare? You scared the life out of me last night.”

“I don’t consciously do it!” I protest. “In the dream, I’m shouting and yelling proper words. It just comes out like that.”

“What was the nightmare about?”

“I don’t remember. I know I was in a spooky place on my own, then I heard a noise behind me and something touched me. When I woke up, you were tapping my shoulder!”

“I only tapped your shoulder after you started doing husky impressions. Are you sure you can’t direct the light more to your side?”

“If I turn it any more, it’ll be shining on the wall instead of the page.”

Rude

I read a few lines of the book while she puts moisturiser on her face.

“You know, he was a bit rude to me today,” she says.

I stop reading and consider this. Nothing comes to mind. “Sorry, I’ve no idea who or what you’re talking about.”

“The hairdresser. He left me sitting in the chair for five minutes while he took a phone call. He didn’t even apologise when he came back.”

I scratch my shoulder. “Why would you just begin talking about the hairdresser out of nowhere like that?”

“He could’ve at least said sorry and made some excuse about it being an important call. That would’ve been the polite thing to do. You don’t just leave someone sitting in a chair in the middle of a haircut and not say anything when you come back.”

“You do this all the time. You start totally random conversations and expect me to know what you’re on about.”

“We were talking about him earlier. You just weren’t listening.”

“I was listening. You said you weren’t sure if you liked your hair, I said it looked nice. But that’s a conversation about your hair, not your hairdresser. And it finished hours ago. That makes it a moribund conversation. You can’t just re-start moribund conversations out of the blue.”

“Who says ‘moribund’ when they’re talking?”

“I do, obviously. What’s the matter with it?”

She laughs. “Nothing, if you don’t mind sounding pretentious!”

“It’s not pretentious! It’s a perfectly good word. Just because you’re still using the same vocabulary you did when you were ten, doesn’t mean we all have to.”

“Up your hole with a big jam roll!”

“I rest my case. You were probably saying that back in primary school.”

“Up your jacksi with a big black taxi! Do you like that one any better? Hurry up and switch your light off. I’m blinded over here.”

“If you stop talking and let me read in peace, I’ll turn it off in ten minutes.”

“Grand. That’ll get you through another couple of lines.”

“Ha, ha. Very funny.”

“Not as funny as you twisting yourself out of shape. Pass me that cream and roll your tee shirt up.”

ComedyWritingParodyLaughterFamily
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About the Creator

Brendan Donaghy

'Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man - there's your diamond in the rough.' Larry David

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  • Rachel Deemingabout a month ago

    So funny, Brendan. This read like a sit-com. My husband says I start up randomly about something with no context too. Not about hairdressers though. And your missus is right - it was rude.

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