The Pokey Gift List For Ex-Presidents That Shows You Care

After twenty-five years working in corrections and law enforcement and the past three years working around the prison system, a prison is a horrible place. They aren’t meant to be Shangrala. One of the boys is already knee-deep in felonious indictments and the other one is being investigated for a laundry list of crimes relating to his time in office.

Whether you’re a Trump fan or a Biden fan, I sympathize with your plight. Nobody wants to see the “big guy” carted off to the pokey. Most people don’t want to imagine either of the fellows being the recipient of the pokey. But that’s prison and that leads to my list of commissary gifts for your favorite president when they land in the slammer.

Commissary Gifts For Ex-Presidents

While Donald will likely still have a fortune when he goes to prison, presuming Melania and the kids don’t loot it all from him, Biden’s likely to be in a bit more dire of a position. In the old days, they could trade cigarettes for protection. Now, they’ll have to make it on their own.

To help them with their time, let’s consider getting them any of the following:

Preparation H: We’re talking about two guys that have never worked hard in their entire lives. They’ve both had the luxury of a soft bed and decent toilet paper. Well, at their ages, sitting on those concrete, cold benches, is going to make them both suffer a pain in the ass. Prison medical care is notoriously slow, so unless you want to see them squirm on visiting day, Preparation H is first on the list.

Candy: It’s easy to think that Donald likes him a treat or two now and again. Some candy to share with the fellows in Cell Block D while he regales them with stories of how his presidency was the best thing in the United States since the Trump Tower will get him in good with the homies.

Kool-aid. Joe’s going to need the Kool-aid to get him through his time in prison and since he’s guilty of trying to force everyone else to drink the Kool-aid it’s only fair we make sure he has plenty of packets for his cell. In prison, they used to use Kool-aid to color their lips.

It’s not on the commissary list and you’d have to keister on in, but I don’t think Donny would mind. What will social media be like without his rants, raves, and jabs at the Democrats and his pundits?

Kids' books, filled with scratch and sniff stickers. Joe’s used to having someone around to entertain him, to sniff weirdly, and this will accomplish both.

Lubricant. No, it’s not to enjoy themselves with. It’ll help them keister contraband easier.

Barbie Dolls. Since they both have such a way with women, send them both a doll to remind them what the rest of the world is doing while they’re away, not to mention their wives. How either of them got their misses is a miracle.

Ramen Noodles. In case they are hungry at night. I don’t imagine either of them has ever been restricted from enjoying a good meal or late snack, and Ramen noodles will fill up even the hungriest of thugs.

A Journal. Donald doesn’t have a memory problem, but Joe might want to take notes for his future book on prison reform. Either way, at the end of their time they could farm out the notes to a writer willing to pen the novel, “Did the President Drop The Soap.”

Snowballs. The hostess treat will remind them both at their ages, only a hostess treat has a chance in hell of doing well in prison at that age.

A Book. Not just any book, but the most important book in the history of mankind. The one that will come with pop-up instructions on how to sell their souls. That’s the only way either of them get’s off for good behavior.

When Presidents go to prison, especially if two back-to-back presidents end up there at the same time, we know that America is screwed. Well, don’t worry about being screwed by these old boys. That too is something they will be once they’re no longer Mr. President, but Inmate 99463 and 99464.

In a special note, Trump Enterprises submitted a bid last week to privatize the federal prison commissary system, promising that they’d be able to make candy, cupcakes, beef jerky, and soap on a rope the biggest thing ever. It’s a really good deal, and it’s going to be “Huuuge!”