The Morizaki's

Fred and Josephine Morizaki are Canadians, born and raised in the Alberta town of Coalbanks. They are of Japanese ancestry, but since they were born here, they speak perfect Canadian English. They run a Chinese restaurant in town called "Wok Dis Way." Although they speak perfect English, they speak with a Chinese accent when talking to the townsfolk.

They have four children; the oldest son, Trevor, is fourteen. He tells everyone he is from Texas, speaks with a Texan accent, and likes to wear a cowboy hat. He is a fan of the Montreal Canadiens hockey team and the Dallas Cowboys football team.

The next child is Alice, the only daughter who is thirteen. She tells everyone she is from England and speaks with a British accent. She likes to drink tea and biscuits and cheers for the football team Manchester United.

The third child is Cam, who is ten. Every day he changes his story about where he is from. One day he may be from Poland, and the next, he may be Mexican. The only thing that stays the same is that he is a Boston Bruins fan and only wears Boston Bruins Jerseys. His favorite jersey is number four, Bobby Orr.

The youngest child is Dennis, who is six, and he tells everyone he is from France and speaks with a French accent and tells everyone to pronounce his name the French way as Denis. He is a fan of the New York Islanders hockey team.

The opening scene is in the Chinese restaurant where Fred and Josephine talk in their normal Canadian accents.

Josephine: "Did we get in the new menus yet?"

Fred: "Not yet. When I talked to Henry, he said it might take a few more days to get all the menus printed as they fell behind schedule when their printing press broke down."

Josephine: "We will need the new menus soon, as we are ready to start using the new items on our menu."

Fred: "Don't worry, I have it all worked out. I fixed all the old menus to include the new items now."

Josephine: "And how did you do that?"

Fred: "Easy, post-it notes."

Just then, John Robinson enters the restaurant.

John: "Hi Fred and Josephine, I know you aren't open yet, but I just wanted to come in to make sure everything is set up for the dinner I had planned for my work team."

Fred: "Hawoo Jon, noo probwhem, cum on in."

Josephine: "Hawoo Misser Robursun." as she bows several times

John: Why do the two of you always have to speak in that silly accent? I grew up with both of you, and I know you were both born here and can speak perfect English. I also know you are both of Japanese ancestry, so if you are going to have an accent, it should be a Japanese accent, not a Chinese accent."

Fred: "I doh knoh what you talk about, Jon. Me and the misses from China."

John: "Really, you're from China. What part of China are you from?

Fred: "Ummm, I from Bangkok."

John: "Fred, Bangkok is in Thailand."

Fred: "Weelly? Well, dare a Bangkok in China as well."

John: "There is a Bangkok in China? What province in China is it in?"

Fred: "Ummm, Bangkok in Chow Mein province."

John: "Bangkok, Chow Mein. Isn't that interesting?"

Josephine: "Yes, famwee have big reswant in Bangkok, Chow Mein."

John: "I suppose you served Chow Mein in your restaurant back home?"

Fred: "No, we serve American food in reswant. Big Wexan Sweaks."

John: "Did you mean Texan Steaks?"

Fred: "Dat what I say, Wexan Sweaks."

Trevor and Alice enter the restaurant.

Trevor: "Why, Yee Haw, if it isn't Mr. Robinson."

Alice, with a British accent: "Good morning Mr. Robinson."

John: "Hi, kids. Your parents are trying to tell me you are all from China, a city called Bangkok, in the Chow Mein Province. Are the two of you from there as well?"

Trevor: "No sir, I am from Bangkok, Texas. It is a suburb of Dallas."

Alice: "And I am from Bangkok, England. It is a suburb of London."

Cam and Dennis now enter the restaurant.

John: "Oh, look, the two youngest have arrived. Are the two of you from Bangkok?"

Dennis: "Of course not, you English pig."

John: "Well, where are you from then?"

Dennis: "I'm French. Why do think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king."

John: "And where are you from, Cam?"

Cam: "You don't frighten us, English pig-dog! Go and boil your bottoms, son of a silly person. I blow my nose on you, so-called Arthur-king, you and your silly English K...kaniggets."

John: "Oh, I get it, Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Very funny."

Dennis: "I don't want to talk to you, no more, you empty-headed animal, food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction."

Cam: "You mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries."

John: "Is there anyone normal in this family that I can talk to?"

Cam: "No. Now go away, or I shall taunt you a second time."

John heads towards Alice: "Alice, I know you are more normal than the rest of your family. Can I talk to you about tonight's arrangements?"

Alice: "We are the knights who say ... Ni!"

Trevor: "Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!"

Alice: "We are the keepers of the sacred words: 'Ni', 'Peng', and 'Neee-wom'!"

Trevor: "Neee-wom!"

Alice: "We want... a shrubbery!"

Trevor: "One that looks nice."

Alice: "And not too expensive."

Trevor: "Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest... with... a herring!"

John: "Why do I even bother trying to talk to these idiots."

The Morizaki's neighbor and Cam's girlfriend, Carla, enters the restaurant.

John: "Oh, good, a normal person. Carla, please give the Morizaki's this list of people attending dinner at their restaurant and instructions for tonight. We will be arriving at 6:00 PM."

Carla takes the list from Mr. Robinson and says: "OK, Mr. Robinson." She then takes the list up to Mrs. Morizaki.

John leaves the restaurant shaking his head, murmuring: "Why do I let these morons get to me all the time with their crazy antics."

Carla then heads over to Cam and says: "Did you get your homework done, Cam?"

Cam stutters: "Of course I did. We should head off to class now. Come on, Dennis, let's get to school.

The three now leave the restaurant.

Cam speaks to Carla in his normal voice as he does not use any accent when talking to Carla.

Cam: "Why do you always have to do that? Ask me about my homework in front of my parents when you know that I didn't do it."

Carla: "I just like messing with you the same way your family likes to mess with everyone with those silly accents."

Cam: "OK, fine by me."

Carla: "You know, Ms. Stankowitz has been on your case lately for not doing your homework. One of these days, she will not let you slide by not handing in your homework."

Cam: I'm not worried about Ms. Stankowitz, as I can charm her when needed.

Carla: I'm not too sure about that, Cam. Your charm gets tiresome very easily. I got bored of it after a few minutes. Carla smiled at Cam, and he just shrugged it off. Nothing else is said between the two as they walk to school.

The next scene is in the classroom of Carla and Cam in Ms. Stankowitz's room.

Ms. Stankowitz: "We are still on World War II and let's see who read the assignment from yesterday. We will start with Mr. Morizaki as this should be an easy question for him. Who attacked Pearl Harbor on December 7, 1941?"

Cam: (With a Polish accent) "Oh, I saw this on the Saturday morning cartoons ... it was Buggs Bunny?"

Cam's classmates start to laugh.

Ms. Stankowitz: "Come on, Cam, you should know this as it was your ancestors."

Cam: "You mean Poland?"

Classmates laugh again.

Ms. Stankowitz: "What is it with your family? Your parents think they are Chinese. Your older brother thinks he is from Texas. Your sister thinks she is from England, and you think you are Polish. What kind of looney tune do you live in?"

Cam: "Ha ha, good one, Ms. Stankowitz, looney tune just like Buggs Bunny."

Ms. Stankowitz: "Mr. Morizaki, I have had just about enough out of you today. Why do you waste so much of my and your classmate's time with your hijinks? Don't you have any ambition at all? Why don't you tell me what you want out of life?"

Cam: "I don't know ... Maybe a good steak dinner ... mmm ... Steak!"

Ms. Stankowitz: "That's it Cam. I am sending you to the Principal's Office. You know how to get there, right?"

Cam: "Yes, I take a left at Albuquerque." Cam gets up and leaves the room.

Cam enters the office of Principal Stanley and talks to his secretary, Ms. Taylor.

Ms. Taylor: "Hello Cam, what did you do in Ms. Stankowitz's class today?"

Cam: "Ms. Stankowitz said I was being disruptive in her class again."

Ms. Taylor nods, picks up her phone, and calls Principal Stanley.

Ms. Taylor: "Principal Stanley, Ms. Stankowitz has sent Cam Morizaki again to see us for being disruptive in class."

Principal Stanley: "OK, send Cam in."

Ms. Taylor hangs up the phone and looks over at Cam.

Ms. Taylor: "OK, Cam, you can see the Principal."

Cam enters Principal Stanley's office and sits down.

Principal Stanley: "What did you do in Ms. Stankowitz's classroom today, Cam?"

Cam: "I was trying to add some humor to our classroom. Ms. Stankowitz has no sense of haha."

Principal Stanley: "What did she ask you?"

Cam: "Who attacked Pearl Harbor on December 7, 1941?"

Principal Stanley: "And what was your answer?"

Cam: "My first answer was Buggs Bunny, and my second was Poland after she informed me it was my ancestors."

Principal Stanley: "But you do know who made the attack?"

Cam: "Yes, Admiral Yamamoto, the Commander-in-Chief of the Japanese Imperial Navy, sent Admiral Nagumo and six aircraft carriers across the Pacific to attack the American Pacific Fleet stationed at Pearl Harbor, Hawaii. At around 8:00 AM, the Japanese planes attacked, destroying or damaging 20 American Navy vessels, including eight Battleships. They also destroyed over 300 American planes, killed over 2400 personnel, 164 rats, 14 pigeons, and seven gophers, wounded Elmer Fudd and blew the beak off Daffy Duck."

Principal Stanley: Shakes his head over the last comment from Cam but continues. "Would you say it was an incredible victory for Japan?"

Cam: "No, it was a terrible strategic defeat for Japan."

Principal Stanley: "Why would you say that?"

Cam: "The main target of the attack, the three American Aircraft Carriers, were not at Pearl Harbor on December 7. Also, the oil storage facilities and the dry docks were not severely damaged. And of the eight Battleships sunk or damaged, six were later repaired and returned to service. And most importantly, the local distillery was not destroyed, so the Americans still had plenty of alcohol on the island."

Principal Stanley: "OK, except for the last part about the distillery; the rest was excellent. Ms. Stankowitz would have been happy with that report."

Cam: "Maybe, but it would be a boring report. I like to spice things up with humor."

Principal Stanley: "Yes, but we both know Ms. Stankowitz does not like humor, so try to use less of it in your work and try to get along with Ms. Stankowitz."

Cam: "OK, I can try."

Principal Stanley: "That's all I can ask of you. Now go on and head back to your class."

Cam enters Mr. Stankowitz's class.

Ms. Stankowitz: "Well, Cam, did you and Principal Stanley come to any agreements?"

Cam: "We agree that you do not have a sense of humor."

Ms. Stankowitz: "Cameron Susumu Morizaki, do I need to send you back to the Principal's office?"

Cam: "Oooooh! Three names, when an adult uses all three names, they are usually pretty pissed off."

Ms. Stankowitz: "That is right, mister, so are you going to behave?"

Cam: "Well, I did tell Principal Stanley I would try to use less humor and get along with you in class."

Ms. Stankowitz: "Your promise did not last long, as you broke your promise with the first words out of your mouth."

Cam: "Yes, but you set me up perfectly, so I couldn't resist."

Ms. Stankowitz: "Are you going to behave now?"

Cam: "I guess I can try, but Vegas has the odds set at 500 to 1 that I succeed."

Ms. Stankowitz: "Cam, you are ten years old; what do you know about gambling?"

Cam: "I am Japanese; I mean, I am Polish; all Poles know how to gamble."

Ms. Stankowitz: "Ha, I caught you! You admitted you are Japanese."

Cam: "Yes, you caught me, Ms. Stankowitz; you won a prize. Today's prize is an audiobook on the works of Dr. Seuss, narrated by Marcel Marceau."

Later that day, back at the 'Wok Dis Way' restaurant.

Fred: "Do we have everything set up for John's work group?"

Josephine: "Yes, I have set everything up as John wished for. You know John was getting really upset with us this morning with our act; maybe we should tone it down a bit tonight."

Fred: "Why should we do that? Remember back in high school when we started these fake Chinese accents of ours? We started doing it with John, and it wasn't until a few months after that we started doing it with everyone. Why should we tone it down after all these years?

Josephine: "I know, but I think the town is getting tired of our antics. Maybe we should change to be like one of the kids?"

Fred: "Are you kidding me? I could not do a Texan, British, Polish, or French accent. I have a hard enough time with the Chinese accent. Yes, you keep telling me our Chinese accents are horrible, but I don't want to change now."

Josephine: "OK, I was just asking if you want to keep this act going; I will try."

Cam and Carla enter the restaurant.

Josephine: "How was school today, kids?"

Carla: "Cam got sent to the principal's office again."

Fred: "What did you do today, Cam?"

Cam: "I was just trying to add some humor to our boring class."

Josephine: "Cam, we keep telling you to behave yourself in class."

Cam: "Yes, I know that is what Principal Stanley told me also. But, sometimes, it is just too difficult not to open my mouth."

Josephine: "Cam, where is your little brother?"

Cam and Carla both look around and see that Dennis is not with them.

Cam: "He was behind us just a minute ago; I don't know where he went off to?"

Carla: "Yes, he was just behind us; I don't know what could have happened to him."

Fred: "Cam as the older brother, you are supposed to look after Dennis. He is only six years old."

Cam: "Yes, I know; I will go back and see if I can find him."

Cam leaves to go look for his little brother.

Carla: "Honest, Mrs. Morizaki, we weren't trying to dump Dennis. He was following behind us, and Cam and I were just talking to each other.

Josephine: "Yes, I know Carla, but Dennis gets distracted easily and is not afraid to wander off.

Cam enters the restaurant with Dennis.

Cam: "Found him; he was just outside. He found an ant hill and decided to burn it out with gasoline.

Dennis: "I like to burn ants."

Fred: "How many times do I have to tell you not to burn out anthills? And stop stealing my gasoline, as it is for the lawn mower."

Dennis: "Sorry, Dad."

Fred: "Now go get cleaned up."

Dennis leaves and heads to the house.

Fred looks over at Josephine: "I can't believe we have a six-year-old pyromaniac."

Josephine: "Don't look at me; he's your son."

Fred: "I'm not too sure about that. Maybe he's the mailman Stuart's son. I think I heard that Stuart is a pyromaniac."

Josephine: "Stop with your lies. Plus, you know I only slept with Stuart when Trevor was a baby." Josephine gives Fred a sly grin.

The two older kids, Trevor and Alice, arrive home. They go to Junior High, and the two younger kids attend Elementary school.

Josephine: "How was school today?"

Trevor: "Still standing, as I guess Dennis did not burn it down as I asked him to."

Fred: "Trevor, don't say things like that."

Josephine: "Especially since we caught him again trying to burn out an ant hill."

Alice: "That's hilarious. When we are older, and the press asks us when we knew our younger brother was a pyromaniac, we can say we knew ever since he was about six when he liked to burn out anthills."

Trevor: "And by eight, he was burning down our schools."

Alice: "And even though we suspected our dad burned down the restaurant when Dennis was ten, Dad always claimed it was Dennis that caused the fire."

The whole family, except Fred, starts to laugh.

Fred: "I almost burn down the restaurant once, and I never hear the end of it."