The Bras Incident (I Regret Everything)

Dear Angie,

It's been a while, eh hen?

We used to be as tight as a priest's pocket. I still think of you, frae time tae time. Ah understand why things had tae end between us, though—I really do. There's nae come back frae what went doon that night. Quite literally.

Ah kept mah distance like you asked me tae. But mah counsellor—aye, am in counselling noo—he suggested ah write tae you, tae explain mah side of the story properly. Seek forgiveness so ah can move on and all that pish.

Ah want tae start by saying ah’m truly sorry ah let mahself get into such a state. Ah know it wis a constant sticking point, and something ah tried tae work on. There are some things yer bird shouldnae have tae face. Ah cannae mind if ah said sorry at the time, but please know ah’m sorry, Ang.

That wis one of the worst experiences of mah life. Honest tae God. It still gives me the dry boke thinking back on it.

Ah remember things were goin really well fir us. Ah’d been doing better—controlling mah drinking, no being a complete idiot all the time. We were in a good place. That’s whit ah thought, anyway.

Mah counsellor says there may have been signs things were already heading doon the toilet.

But anyway—looking back on it has helped. Ah’m sorry, no just fir whit happened, but how it happened.

But tae be perfectly honest, Ang… ah tried mah best tae fix it all.

Ah wisnae feeling quite right that night. Wisnae in control.

If ah remember it right, there may have been… an issue in the bedroom.

Ah didnae want tae wake you, so ah tried tae contain it.

The thing that’s always annoyed me is that ah didnae even drink that much. Ah know you think ah did, but it wis only a couple of pints. That wis it. No shots, no bombs—none of that pish. Ah wis genuinely trying tae behave.

Ah think it wis the kebab. Mackie loved that place. Ah should’ve stuck tae a wee pakora, but no—he insisted on the big donner. That wis mah first mistake. Listening tae Mackie.

You were fast asleep by the time we got tae bed. Mah stomach started doing somersaults. Ah wisnae feeling right at all. But, trying tae be good, ah didnae want tae disturb ye. So ah carefully got oot of bed and made for the door.

That wis the first problem.

Ah got lost.

Ah couldnae find mah glasses, and that room wis pitch black wi that tiny wee windae. Rememebr it? Ah telt ye it wis a deathtrap.

Anyway.

Ah wis stumbling about, trying tae get mah bearings—one hand on the wall, the other holding mah stomach like it wis about tae turn on me.

Ah still couldnae find the door. Nae joy.

Now ah was starting tae panic. Ah needed tae think fast, because something wis aboot tae happen, and ah needed a plan tae contain it.

Ah checked yer drawers, thinking there might be some kitchen roll or an auld towel. Ah knew better than tae touch the Egyptian cotton wans you got in Morocco. Ah couldnae find anything.

Ah was dripping wae sweat, trying tae keep mah mind aff what wis coming.

Then ah looked in yer underwear drawer.

Ah figured… you wouldnae mind if ah used one of yer bras instead. Better that than the carpet.

Ah really did try tae think of you through all of this.

Ah grabbed a couple of yer older bras—the bigger ones, from before you lost a bit of weight. Ah knew they were the older ones cos they’d gone a kind of off-white, like they’d seen better days.

Ah carefully laid them out on the flare in a wide circle. Took a bit of adjusting, right enough. Ah needed tae make sure there wis proper coverage—nae gaps, nothing exposed. The last thing ah wanted wis tae make matters worse.

Ah mind thinking, at the time, that it wis actually a pretty solid plan. Not perfect, maybe, but given the circumstances… no bad.

Ah even considered doubling up in places. Reinforce the weaker areas. You ken, for safety.

In hindsight, ah maybe overestimated the capacity.

Still, time wis running oot, and ah didnae want tae wake you tae see whit wis aboot tae happen.

Then ah buckled. Doubled over, clutching mah belly, and knew ah had tae act fast or mah claes were gonny take the hit.

It wis now or never. All that planning—this wis where it was meant tae pay off.

So ah fumbled tae get mah jammies aff. Thought it wis better tae commit properly than risk a half-job situation.

Then ah positioned maself in the centre of the… arrangement. Made sure ah wis properly aligned. That wis important.

And then—

Things began.

Ah’m no sure if it wis the smell that hit first, or just the realisation that there wis nae stopping it once it had started. Either way, there wis a moment where ah kent—deep doon—this wisnae going tae plan.

Ah didnae even look at first. Ah couldnae.

Ah just needed tae move. Ah grabbed mah phone, stumbled tae the bed, nearly woke you, then found mah glasses right there where they’d been the whole time.

Ah scrolled through mah contacts, trying tae find someone—anyone—who might help. Ah tried Laura. Thought she’d be awake in Australia, but she told me tae piss off, she wis on a date and didnae want tae hear mah pish.

So ah was on mah own.

Ah thought if ah could just get tae the toilet, ah could sort everything before you woke.

But as ah reached the door, ah noticed the key still in the lock.

And as ah pulled it, it dropped oot onto the floor.

That’s when you woke up.

Ah can still hear what you said. The shock. The smell. Everything.

And ah’m truly sorry, Ang. Ah did try tae make sure you didnae even know it had happened.

Ah remember, as shocked as ye were, you were actually kind. You telt me tae stay there and you'd sort things out.

Once you left the room, ah knew ah wanted tae try and sort this maself. Nae lassie of mine was going tae clear up that type of mess. Not until ah wis an old man anyway.

Ah needed tae deal wi the smell first—it wis bringing that kebab, or whit wis left of it, right back up on me again.

Ah saw yer Rabanne perfume and gave it a few sprays around the area. Might’ve overdone it. It wisnae a pleasant combination.

Then ah thought ah’d light a candle. You had one of those Yankee Candles—vanilla and raspberry. Thought it might help.

Ah got a match from mah wallet. First attempt, it snapped and dropped. Second one, ah burnt mah finger and dropped it straight onto the bras.

The bras that were still soaked in that Rabanne.

And that’s when things escalated faster than ah could really process.

The smell wis the least of mah worries as the circle caught. Ah tried tae fan it doon—panicking, grabbing whatever wis nearby. Ah ended up using one of the Egyptian cotton towels, still damp from the bottle of water on your bedside table.

That went up as well.

That’s when you came back in—with disinfectant, a bin bag, gloves… and the warmest smile ah’ve ever seen on you, right up until it drained away in real time.

Ah know now ah messed up. Ah see that. But ah really did try mah best tae fix it.

And at least… it didnae smell of that kebab anymare.

Ang, ah’m sorry.