Terror Firmer

Some movies are good. Some are bad. And some exude the same sort of lavatorial effluvia as the men's room of a particularly filthy, low-end fast-food eatery.

Terror Firmer is of the latter variety.

Terror Firmer is a sex-and-violence raunch fest that begins with a presumably French man getting his ever-loving leg ripped off and used as a bludgeon with which to bludgeon him by a mysterious vixen that shall return to us at a later point in this pointless picture.

Next, the same woman disembowels a preggo mom-to-be and steals her fetus. We have two cops munching cereal, reflecting on the fact that they have a "cereal killer" on their hands, the corpse having been deposited on a pile of breakfast cereal. You get it? Do you get it?

Next, we're on the set of a horror movie or Toxic Avenger remake or something (yeah, I remember in the movie they were shooting, Toxie is pregnant with his own mother), with such notable Tromatic Tromen and Tromettes as Will Keenan, the foxy face behind Uncle Lloydie's Tromeo and Juliet, and the long, lean, and luscious Alyce LaTourelle, Debbie Rochon, the late, great Joel Fleishaker, and Uncle Lloydie himself as the blind, deliriously incompetent filmmaker Larry Benjamin, who unwittingly urinates on two actors having sex in the men's room. Yes, Virginia, it really is THAT kind of movie.

Also, as in Tromeo and Juliet, Motörhead metal god, the Eternal Lemmy, stops by as a news reporter.

Tits and gore go everywhere, and even Ron Jeremy (pre-dementia and rape-charges Ron) stops by for a few scenes as the crew, a group of hardcore punky and queer and just all-around tattooed subcultural hooligans, deals with the violence, scatology, and utter sickening chaos that continually envelops the production of their turd bowl, crapula of a picture.

Poor Jennifer, though, a porn star hire, becomes fixated with the uncool (but undeniably sexy) Will Keenan, "Casey," who actually, blasphemously, admits to hating Larry Benjamin's flicks and instead prefers big-budget, Spielberg-lensed, mega-corporate Hollywood falafel.

He also likes to pickle things. A lot.

Of course, none of this holds a candle to the scene of Joel Fleishaker getting ground up by an escalator while being humped by the mysterious woman we watched rip a dude's leg off at the beginning of the picture. That's the sort of unvarnished, beautiful, over-the-top excess that one remembers. (We're also partial to the scene where Alyce rubs one out while imagining Will Keenan stripped bare and hefting plastic dumbbells in her bedroom, while her mucus-dripping mama is in the other room calling her name. "I'm coming, Mom!" she gasps, getting up stark naked from the bed. Har har. It is to laugh, grimace, or puke.)

The film proceeds through murder, mutilation, big-time splatter, lots of jiggling tits, some shit-snarfing, and other subpar atrocities not to be taken seriously except by those who have done deep enough bong hits to, like, dig the cosmic, existential meaning behind this execrable deep dive into late twentieth-century moral decadence and human depravity.

And also Ron Jeremy in a cage with his eyes, nose, and tongue seemingly ripped out.

You'll love it. I swear. You'll laugh and retch till you are wretched with laughter. There are absolutely no redeeming qualities whatsoever in this vile, depraved, and thoroughly entertaining sleazeball. It goes beyond any exercise in poor taste you've ever been personally subjected to.

Well, except for The Toxic Avenger Part IV: Citizen Toxie. That was a turd-spewing good time unequalled even in the sacred halls and reeking backstreets of the legendary Tromaville, U.S.A., whatever alternate dimension that happens to be in.

Tits. Blood. Gore. Joel Fleishaker being mash-potatoed by an escalator. Where else, I ask you, can you see such sights except in a movie like Terror Firmer?

Written and directed by Lloyd Kaufman. And some other guys.

TERROR FIRMER (1998) | "Clean" Teaser Trailer | Lloyd Kaufman, Troma

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