Telephonic Adventures in Mental Health

(Recorded message):

Hello. You are through to Farringdon House, the home of your local mental health crisis team - the people who care.

Please listen to the following information and then select the appropriate option.

If you are trying to contact your designated mental health professional, press ‘1’ and leave a message. We cannot stress this enough -

You HAVE to leave a message.

Yes - life would be easier if you could just speak directly to someone but there's a lot of strange people out there and we have to filter out the cranks.

Not that you're a crank. You're probably a lovely person with a genuine mental ilness -

Or maybe not. Perhaps you are a crank. A timewasting crank. In which case, we detest you. Using an imgainary mental illness as an excuse for your miserable life? You make us want to vomit -

Hang on - Where was I?

- Designated mental health professional - blah blah - press ‘1’ - leave a message - yadda yadda - there we are. That's it - Back on track.

Due to the volume of messages currently being left using option '1', Doug on Reception is struggling to keep track of who’s trying to speak to whom (the front desk is an administrational Omaha Beach – Post-It notes strewn everywhere).

Please be patient with him – it’s his first week. I’m sure he’ll pass your message on to the right person.

Eventually.

In the unlikely event that Doug did manage to pass your message onto the correct person, they may have called you back. If so, they probably missed you and left you a message.

If you are responding to such a message — which itself was a response to your message — press ‘2’ and leave a message saying that you got a message about your message and — you know what? Let Doug sort that out.

If you have called previously and left messages via the ‘1’ and ‘2’ buttons — i.e. you’ve left a message, someone’s then left a message for you, and you’ve then left a message about that message — press ‘3’ and leave a message —

Actually, it’s best not to. No one listens to the messages left in pot 3. It’s a rabbit-hole we chose not to go down — nothing makes sense there. Messages about messages about messages — it’s like a Christopher Nolan movie.

If you’re in distress and require advice or support, press ‘5’ —

Sorry, press ‘4' -

Or is it ‘6’?

Or is is '#'?

Tell you what – just press ‘1’ and leave a message. I’m sure Doug will figure it out.

Whilst you’re here, I need to remind you that if you fail to speak to your designated mental health professional in person on a regular basis, you will be discharged from our care.

If you have any questions about the information provided today, press ‘1’ and leave a message. Doug will sort out the rest.

Thank you for calling Farringdon House and have a great day.

And remember — you can always talk to us.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If you've liked what you've read, please check out the rest of work my on Vocal including my Top Story -

And -

If you've really liked what you've read, please share it with your friends on social media.

If you've really, really liked what you've read, a small tip would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you!