Taking the Knee to be Criminalised by UK Government

Brighton, England — At the Conservative party’s annual conference, a Home Office spokesman today announced plans to make ‘Taking the knee’ illegal. Any professional sportsman who continued to do could face a hefty prison sentence under the new legislation.

“‘Wokeness’ is a blight on this great country of ours,” Hugh Skiffington-Burnley-Overton informed the media, whilst waving his hands around in a non-specific yet highly excitable manner.

The spokesman was adamant that the law would be colourblind when it came to punishing such miscreants. Though, when it was put to the spokesman that over 70% of professional footballers in the UK were black, he replied with, “Dem the breaks,” giggling.

When asked to clarify how raising awareness of racial discrimination and injustice was somehow indicative of a wider liberal malaise, the MP for Burlington-by-the Sea refused to answer. Instead, he screeched the word, “Snowflake!” repeatedly whilst aggressively pointing at our correspondent.

According to the increasingly agitated spokesman, from January 2024, it will be illegal to speak the phrase ‘Black Lives Matter’ within a five-mile radius of a UK football ground. And, if any players continue to ‘take the knee’, they will be instantly removed from the stadium by the soon-to-be-formed ‘Anti-Woke Brigade.’

“People have been talking about the metaphorical ‘Woke Brigade’ for a while now. Well, we decided to form an actual, proper, physical ‘Anti-Woke’ brigade. We’ve got uniforms and batons and insignia and everything! How do you like them apples?” the spokesman shouted at the confused selection of journalists.

“It’s time that we stopped being preached to by multimillionaire black men,” preached the multi-millionaire white man. “It’s not the British way.”

The majority of the young men the government plans to criminalise had been born into poverty, rising to the top of a ruthlessly competitive profession through hard work and skill. “Just like me,” said the privately educated, son of a billionaire Lord. “How do you think I rose to this lofty position?”

When it was also put to the spokesman that these men had actually endured the vile racism they were campaigning against, the spokesman grew further impassioned. “Well, they ought to try attending a Buckingham Palace drinks reception – I can tell you, the language gets awfully fruity after a few Pimms and no one there feels inclined to drop to the floor in protest because of a few mean words!”

At this point, the press conference prematurely concluded due to the spokesman leaping among the press pack and attempting to bite the Political correspondent of Reuters.

The Government has declined to comment further on the press conference itself. However, they have stated that the laws outlined during it are in the process of being drawn up and will be presented to Parliament shortly.

The Conservative Party Conference runs all week: More updates to follow including a special report exploring the Government’s plans to raise the retirement age to above 130 for anyone who speaks in a Scottish or Welsh accent.

(Author’s note — this is intended as a satirical article and does not represent the current policy of the sitting UK Government…. Yet.)

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