Stay Tuned

Announcer: Coming soon, to a television near you, because you can't pretend we didn't take over the whole cable market:

[Swelling music, pan into an apartment, needle scratch]

Announcer: Wait, wrong set!

[More music, pan across a completely different apartment, that's the same stuff from the first apartment just rearranged, even the wallpaper's the same]

Welcome to [city nowhere near where you live]. We want you to believe that this size apartment is for the poorest people in the area, because we can't film in a half-flooded basement with no windows, since that's too close to reality, isn't it? Trust me, our protagonist couldn't afford that either, but hey, willing suspension of disbelief and all that.

Meet Dave. Dave's just a regular joe schmoe trying to live the dream by moving from the sticks to the big city, but due to a clerical filing error, he's actually moved from the Styx to the big city. Going for a dip in that famous river and having more than a little bit of demigod blood in him has caused... side effects...

Dave: What do you mean I can't grow corn and deadly nightshade in my front yard? What do you mean, HOA regulations? Children? Dogs? What would they be doing in my yard after I put up the fence? No, that wasn't a mistake, spikes and razor wire better keep those pesky yapping things out of my space! Not the squirrels, the dogs and children! Whaddya mean, rules against antisocial behavor??

Announcer: Yes, we've upgraded poor Dave from an apartment to an HOA house, did you notice? Bet you didn't! It gives us an antagonist we can all hate - HOA boards!! Boreds? We'll work on that.

[Cut to new scene, Dave's face in a narrow flashlight beam] What electricity bill? Of course I don't have one, I can see perfectly well in the dark! I don't use lights! My part of the shared bill for the street lights? Here, let me get my shotgun, I thought the street was a bit too bright, we'll fix that in a jiff...

Announcer: Starring Person You've Never Heard Of, because we went down the street to the homeless shelter and picked some guy who looked about right. We got him cheap at ten bucks a day, and of course we're not going to pay health insurance, because we're pretty sure his undiagnosed medical conditions are comedy gold! Exploitation? Us? Have you met the biz??

[Doorbell rings. Dave slams door open wearing a bloody apron] WHAT?!?!

Freaked-out missionary types: Have you considered the afterlife?

Dave: Yeah, actually, I was. You know this building isn't up to code when it comes to earthquakes? My uncle Neptune's gonna have a fit about that. So someone's gonna have to beg in person to prevent an earthquake and the following tsunami, and it can't be me, so would one or both of you like to voluntarily take a one-way trip? Where are you going? (shouting down the street as they run away) I'll take that as a no? Do you have life insurance? An inflatible raft?

Dave, at the water cooler: Dang, I miss my old farm. On dark nights, listening to the river gurgle quietly, you'd look up, and see... well, nothing. 'Cause we're in a giant metaphorical cave, so no moon, no stars. Listening to the wails of the recently died when the wind shifts... That moon thing, really makes you claustrophobic, being so close, doesn't it? Why hasn't anyone blown it up yet? (realizes everyone has vanished from the water cooler) Is it just me?

Two co-workers, whispering to each other: He's so creepy, I just want to go home!

Dave, suddenly appearing: No you don't. Your husband's leaving you for a 1969 Mustang, your son lies when he says he sorts the recycling but he throws it all in the trash, and your foundation was made with two-thirds sand, not one-third, so it's gonna crumble and bury you alive pretty soon. Oh and can you get me the receipts on our client's shrubbery sales in the past three months? I think I found a discrepancy.

Coworkers: STARE

Dave: What?

Announcer: So come, watch our show! It's not like you have anything better to do, like reading this drivel while the author giggles quietly to herself, scribbling up a perturbing dream and making it all your problem, you're welcome!

Dave: I can have up to three dogs! It says so right here on this stupid piece of paper! It says NOTHING about one dog with three heads! I got one of the pups from my previous employer, and I KNOW for a fact this one doesn't show up on your “dangerous breed” list! Now take off before I introduce you to Fuzzy Wuzzy! (sounds of heavy breathing, and three sets of eyes glowing in the dark behind Dave)