Sorry to all the books I haven’t f___ed

I’m sorry for labeling so many books “Did Not F___”.

I know Vocal is more for writing and my post is just a rant about reading and f___ing books rather than writing them, but we’re all book lovers here so I hope it fits!

For what it’s worth I used to make a point of f___ing every book I cracked open. But eventually, I started to realize some books were just really plain— they were too boring to fully enjoy so they weren’t truly worth f___ing.

Some were even ugly on the inside, and f___ing those books made me feel dirty and unclean.

But seriously, more often the feeling was just a mundane sort of boredom.

Haven’t you ever been in the middle of a book, trying to f___ it even though you aren’t invested in it at all? Plowing through all those dry pages feels like a joyless chore….

No fun!

But isn’t there this unspoken pressure to carry on? Nobody wants to be a quitter.

After all, what kind of book lover would decide not to f___ a book— to start but then just stop half way through?

For me, this feeling of obligation was such a burden, I felt like I had to grit my teeth and pound my way through every book I ever touched.

Things got worse and worse.

Sometimes I’d slip into a book I wasn’t even interested in.

Sometimes I’d get really deep into that book, even though my heart wasn’t in it.

And sometimes I’d see the act through to completion, even though I loathed the feel of each page.

Have you ever f___ed a book out of this misguided sense of duty, drilled your way through, only to feel empty on the inside?

I have.

One time I was in the middle of this terrible book, not feeling engaged at all. Basically just hating it.

I don’t want to name names.

But I realized this book really wasn’t for me. I wasn’t even paying attention! I was just fantasizing about f___ing other books!

I stopped and closed the book I was trying to f___. Pulling out when I was about half way through? That was a hard moment, but absolutely a game changer for me.

I finally felt liberated, and empowered!

From that point on, I decided: if I’m ever in the middle of a book and even for a moment decide I don’t actually want to f___ it, then I’ll just stop!

Sometimes I’ll be halfway in and realize I’m having a bad time, and don’t want to push any further. Sometimes I’ll have just barely gotten into a book and I’ll have second thoughts. Other times I’ll be right about to reach the climax, right on the brink, but I’ll notice something about the book that really turns me off, and kills the mood so I’ll just stop right then and there!

I confess: there have even been times where I’ve agreed to f___ a book with friends, but sort of petered out half way through! That’s super embarrassing, when the rest of the book club is dutifully hammering away at that book but you have to politely excuse yourself?

Believe me. I know.

I’ve never felt more simultaneously on the spot and left out!

And all I could think was: “shit. All my friends are gonna talk about it afterward, they’re gonna reminisce on how it felt to f___ that book together. They’re gonna bond over that shared moment. And I’ll just be sitting there awkward and quiet— the one guy in the group who couldn’t live up to the task.”

But… all this pressure aside, I decided it was important to stick to my ideals.

I’ve thereby rejected the pressure to f___ ‘em all! And I’ve never felt freer!

And I realized: so many people are probably stuck like I was, f___ing books they don’t even like, just because Oprah or some other celebrity told them to.

What a shame! As if any of us should let peer pressure, societal norms, or public opinions influence which books we consider worth f___ing!

I urge all of you to free yourselves! If you really don’t want to f___ a particular book, or if you’ve started in on a book but don’t want to continue, just don’t!

Even if all your friends are f___ing that book and ranting about how satisfying it is, don’t feel pressured to join in!

So… given my advice, why am I apologizing?

It’s to help me cope.

I admit: even though I’m willing to make the conscious choice to not f___ a book I’ve lost interest in, part of me still feels that odd social pressure to f___ every book I pick up, just out of politeness.

It feels like I’m insulting the book and by extension the author if I open up a book but don’t actually f___ it….

And even though I make this conscious choice, to uphold my own autonomy and valued time, part of me feels that lingering, awkward regret about not f___ing every book on my shelf.

In some way I think apologizing for not f___ing all my books is helping me move past this awkwardness.

You know, some of it probably comes down to experience. There was a time, when I was a younger man, where I really wanted to dive right in and bury my nose in every book I saw!

That impulsive part of me wanted to f___ every book I set eyes on!

I’ll always remember my favorites, the books that felt so flawless and beautiful they sort of got me addicted to the feeling of f___ing a good book!

Most of the time, f___ing books leaves me with a satisfied smile…. Others— like discourses on religion or philosophy— will give me a sense of peaceful, contemplative wholeness when I f___ them.

And still, some times I’ll cry afterwards, especially when I f___ an emotionally raw and difficult book like McCarthy’s The Road.

I’m sure you can relate.

As a young man, I’d always chase that depth of feeling, constantly on the hunt for the next book to f___!

(Though there are some books I’ve f___ed multiple times, like The Lord of the Rings for example! I think I’ve f___ed that trilogy three or four times!)

My favorite way to enjoy a great book has always been curled up in bed, f___ing it by candlelight. I just love that cozy, warm feeling!

But I’ve f___ed books in so many places. Sometimes I’ll sprawl out on the couch or lie on the floor and f___ a book right there!

Sometimes I’ll f___ a book in a hammock under the sunshine, or I’ll draw a nice relaxing bath and f___ a book there.

Looking back, I suppose I’ve usually preferred to f___ books in private, where I find it easier to relax, focus, and enjoy the moment….

But I admit, there have been many times where I’ve gotten so caught up in the pages I’ve f___ed a particularly enticing book right out in public!

Once on a long bus ride across NY state at night, I f___ed a book while other passengers slept one seat over…. Another time I brought a book on a campout, and f___ed it by the campfire, right there in the open, under a sky full of stars.

I also f___ed a book on a crowded beach, while savoring the feel of sand between my toes and listening to the tide roll in. That was lovely!

I’ve f___ed my share of books in my car in public parking lots, or in the waiting room at the doctor’s office.

Over the years I’ve even f___ed a handful of books during my lunch breaks at work and a few on the treadmill at the gym!

I guess, when you’re deep in a good book, the location doesn’t even matter!

And a good book can engage so many senses.

To this day, I still love pausing, taking a break from the action, and just leaning down to savor the smell of a good book. I’ll spread the pages and just inhale that wonderful, intoxicating paper aroma!

But the truth is: as amazing as f___ing books can be, some bad titles will just leave you feeling wasted or hollow inside.

I’ve found that part of aging is having enough bad experiences to be more selective. Not every book deserves access to me and my time!

And not for nothing, not every book is going to be right for me!

So these days I’m less superficial, but far more discerning, about the books I choose to send my time with— I know what I want in a book and I don’t feel the need to compromise!

I try not to judge books by their covers, instead I try to get a sense for how beautiful they are on the inside before deciding whether I really want to f___ them.

But I think it’s good to have high standards!

And the truth is sometimes a book seems like a really great book, maybe even a perfect book, but I just don’t feel that click! Some of it comes down to mood!

It’s not like I need to be f___ing books every second of the day— I have a life and hobbies outside of f___ing books and I think that’s okay!

But still. I feel the silly need to say I’m sorry to all the books I’ve quit on half way through— I’m sorry to all the books I’ve rolled my eyes at or spurned as un-f___able….

But let’s be real: who would I be helping if I were to f___ a book that I didn’t actually want?

Do authors really want me to f___ their books even if I’m having a miserable time? Do authors want me to fake that sort of pleasure?

Probably not!

Writing my thoughts on this is helping me work through these complex emotions. And I realize something….

Speaking as a writer who hopes to one day see my own name in print: I don’t want anyone to connect deeply and intimately with my writing unless they really, truly, enthusiastically want that!

The truth is, when my books go up for sale I don’t want anyone to f___ them out of a sense of duty or even to be polite.

I want the people who f___ my books to feel like that was time and energy well spent— I want anyone who f___s one of my books to tell other people “wow, f___ing Sam’s book was incredible! I enjoyed every second of it, he took me to new heights and made me tremble! The climax left me in awe!”

I want people who f___ my books to think: “That was amazing! I wonder what else’s he’s written because I can’t wait to f___ some more!”

Really, it’s the same for my writing on Vocal. If someone isn’t enjoying my stories or poems I’d rather they skip my stuff all together than force themselves to power through an experience that makes them feel empty, or worse: regretful.

I only want people to f___ my stuff if they WANT to! I hope people enjoy f___ing stuff and I hope people find the deed very worthwhile!

But if they don’t, then that’s okay!

So to you reading this: please don’t feel any pressure to f___ my stuff!

If you like what I have to offer and authentically want to f___ what I’ve got, great! I’ll take it as a high compliment, and happily let you f___ anything you like.

But I don’t want anyone to throw me any pity f___s!

Ya know…

I started this writing apologizing for NOT f___ing more books.

But, after thinking all this through from the perspective of a writer, I’m revising my apology.

I’m sorry to all the books I’ve f___ed even though I didn’t want to.

I’m sorry to all the books I’ve f___ed even though my heart wasn’t in it.

I’m sorry to all the books I f___ed simply because other people were f___ing that book and I didn’t want to go agains the crowd.

I’m sorry to all the books I’ve f___ed even though f___ing just felt like a chore.

Ultimately, these books deserved better! These books deserved enthusiasm, and especially, they deserved honesty. If I couldn’t provide enthusiasm and honesty to those books then I had no business trying to f___ them! I should have politely ended things in the hopes that those books could find someone new who would love them through and through.

And really, I deserved better too!

Life is short.

Here’s the advice I wish I’d heard years ago:

Don’t waste your precious time trying to f___ books you don’t even like!

Instead, focus on books that check all your boxes and really get you excited!

F___ing books you love is one of the best feelings in the world!

So don’t bother f___ing books that aren’t worth your time!

On that note I’d love to hear some recs in the comments!!

What are some of your all time favorite books, books that you absolutely loved and would gladly f___ again?

I can’t guarantee I’ll f___ them too, they might not be my type…. but if any recs pique my interest I’ll give them a fair shot!

And who knows, maybe one day we’ll be able to bond over f___ing the same books!

:)

Oh…

And if you made it all the way to the end, thanks so much for f___ing my public apology!

If you’re hungry for more, you might like to read and f___ some apologies from other writers!

Info here:

https://vocal.media/challenges/sorry-about-that/submissions

And the contest doesn’t end until May 1st, 11:59 pm, EDT, 2026. So if you’ve got an apology of your own that you need to get off your chest, you might have time to hammer one out before the contest closes :)