Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter

I was on a beach with a few hundred partiers, in the middle of the night, sitting in front of a campfire when a guy dressed like Jesus comes up and begins to dance around. He says something, then backs up without looking—and steps right into the fire.

When I wake up, I go to my YouTube. And what’s suggested is this movie.

Which, I find to be:

“A pitifully stupid entry into the Troma canon of films so bad that they're actually a step below exploitation trash, in the realm of half-baked, poorly conceived and executed student things—that said, the film is entertaining.”

I could leave it at that, and the world would continue to spin on to random insect doom, as William S. Burroughs observed. Burroughs may or may not, had he lived to see it, have found this tale of a modern Jesus descended to Earth to fight some lesbian vamps straight from an old Love and Rockets graphic novel compelling—but, having got through half of it, I found I did actually want to watch the rest, although the end got a little tedious.

A Jesus with a makeover (pierced ears and professional hairdo) does a musical number on the streets of Ottawa, after conferring with his homies—Catholic priests dressed as ravers and punk rockers (one has a victory spikes mohawk and a studded vest with a GBH patch)—about fighting a group of chic, pseudo-gothic vampire girls that are going around sucking up all the lesbian blood they can get their fangs into.

I know, I know, but bear with me. It’s bad. Actually, it’s wretched: the acting is sub-subpar, wooden not even beginning to describe it. The special effects are bloody, but really only get gory at one single point. The concept is moronically lobotomized, and the whole thing begins with a bunch of screeching about God—“Where are you, God?”—by voices on the soundtrack (which, by the way, is made up of weird 8-bit electronica with robotic chip voices, some phony thrashy stuff, and occasional bebop jazz and booty funk—well, it may be one of the most distinguishing features of the film).

There’s opening and occasional narration provided by a Manson look-alike that might have escaped from Cannibal! The Musical.

Where was I? Oh yes.

Anyway, there’s some subplot about stealing the skin of lesbians for some reason (I guess to give to the vampires), but I never quite caught on to what was going on there. This scene in a morgue provides the only real gore, except when a fighting vampire steals a loop of intestines to use in battle.

It all gets good with the coming of Mexican wrestler and cult movie legend El Santo (with a theme of mariachi music, naturally), who was in such highbrow cinematic milestones as Santo vs. the Blue Demon (which I personally reviewed) and Santo vs. the Vampire Women. So, like, he’s been this route before.

There are points in this film that do surprise. There’s some choreographed kung fu, as well as dirt bike-fu, and, as mentioned before, flying intestinal loop nunchaku-fu that’s simply to die for, dahling. All of this is surprising in a movie that looks as if it were shot for forty-seven dollars with a cast and crew largely made up of film school undergrads and volunteer homeless.

This film will, naturally, offend many; however, it’s so utterly lopsided and lame in its attempt to be edgy humor, the humor aspect comes off as more absurd and goofy than anything else—except, of course, when Jesus nearly gets it on with a pre-op tranny; that might still bother folks, I take it.

But who can take any of this Mexican dinner and heavy, heavy farts fever dream as anything but a puerile attempt at parody—a Saturday Night Live sketch that went on way, way too long?

I’d give you a list of performers but, in this case, who the hell cares? It was written and directed by Canadian filmmaker Ian Driscoll, and must qualify as an overt act of aggression from Soviet Canuckistan. It was scarfed up and released by Troma Entertainment, as Uncle Lloydie will throw anything out there to see if it floats.

This one floats.

But it doesn’t walk on the water.

It bobs at the edge of the bowl.

Flush.

Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter (FULL MOVIE) (Note: Might not want to play this one at work or in mixed company.)

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