Bodies

BODIES // Pilot: Training to Failure

Fade in on a young BRETT MONDO, dressed in 90's workout gear and rippling with muscles, standing before a gleaming row of exercise machines. He gestures to the camera.

Young BM: Shouting. Is it - is this thing - are you getting me?

Producer (offscreen): Yeah, loud and clear. Just talk normally.

Young BM: Still shouting. Ok, great. Welcome to Great Body Advantage. I'm Brett Mondo and I'm here to change your life.

TITLE SEQUENCE: BODIES

LISA PROON, just out of college, somewhat plain and pudgy, sits at her desk and types an email. We see her copy and paste a message, altering the blanks: Hey XXX, This is your monthly reminder that you still have X training sessions available in your package. Can I help you book something with XXX? Regards, Lisa Proon, Client Concierge.

Brett walks into the office. He's older and clearly less fit than he used to be, but still looks bulgy.

BM: Good morning.

LP: Morning. She sips from an orange juice.

BM: What's that?

LP: Oh, orange juice. I'm still getting over that cold. Thought I could use some Vitamin C.

BM: No, no, no! Throw it out. He waits for her to do so. That's pure sugar. Can you imagine if a client walked in just now? What they'd think of you? From his leather satchel, he pulls out and shakes a ziplock bag filled with pills. What you really should be taking are these. Vitamin D, magnesium, olive leaf extract...

Fade out to talking head interview with Lisa.

LP (talking head): I mean, it's a job. I mostly answer phones. Make appointments. That kind of thing. My friend's mom works out here. She hooked me up.

Cut to Lisa and Brett walking around the gym. Brett points out things that need doing, Lisa takes notes on a clipboard.

BM: Lisa, see these flowers? Yuck-o. Did you do the thing with the bleach like I taught you?

LP: Yeah, I did, but -

BM: Mimics zipping her lips shut. I only like 'buts' when they're toned! Laughs, looks at camera. But seriously. Can we do something about the dead ones, at least? Throw them out.

LP: Well, they're all kinda dead.

BM: Don't throw them all out. Just the really dead ones. Our clients need something beautiful to look at while they train to failure.

LP (talking head): Brett really cares about the client experience. Technically, I'm not even a receptionist.

BM (talking head): She's a Client Concierge. Like at a fancy hotel, you know how there's someone responsible for everything going seamlessly? Someone who greets you. Welcomes you. Takes your bags. Makes you a coffee. She's the face. Not the body, obviously. That's me. Flexes.

Cut to CHAD DORSELL walking into the gym. Young, toned, tan, beautiful.

CD: Hi, Lisa. Have a good weekend, did ya?

LP: Oh, yeah. Pretty good.

BM: Cold. Chad.

CD: Also cold. Brett.

BM: You're late.

CD: Oh for crying out loud! Five minutes!

Chad and Brett start shouting over each other.

BM: You're supposed to be here 15 minutes before the client! What would happen if Mary were to walk on in here and you weren't ready for her?

CD: When's the last time Mary was even on time?

BM: You need to check her chart! Set up the machines for her! We're a luxury gym, god damn it, I pay you to give luxury service!

Phone rings, Chad and Brett still shouting in the background.

LP: Hi, you've reached Great Body Advantage, this is Lisa speaking, how can I help you?

MARY (through the phone): Oh hi, Lisa. I'm gonna be like twenty minutes late. Is that going to be a problem?

LP: Not at all, Mary. We'll see you when you get here. Hangs up. Mary's going to be ten minutes late.

CM: See? Not the end of the fucking world now, was it? Grabs Mary's chart and stalks into the back of the gym, racking up weights and muttering to himself.

BM: Lisa, didn't we talk about how to answer the phone? Remember? "Hello, you've reached Great Body Advantage, where we help you get the most out of your body. My name is Lisa. How may I assist you today?"

LP: Yeah. Sorry.

BM: No sorries! Only improvement!

Cut to talking head interview with Chad, interspersed with shots of him training MARY FINLEY, blonde bombshell trophy wife type. Obvious sexual chemistry between them.

CD (talking head): You think he'd be a little more grateful. You know, I'm the only trainer that will work while he's in the studio? Lars had it written into his contract. That's why he only trains nights and weekends.

MF: Oh, you're so mean. Swats at Chad's arms, squeezes a little. That one was really heavy.

CD: You can take it, can't you?

MF: You know I can.

CD (talking head): I guess I stay for the clients. You make great money on weekday mornings. If I have to handle Brett while I do it, so be it. I've had worse jobs.

Brett approaches Lisa's desk.

BM: You know, if they're more than 15 minutes late they have to cancel and rebook.

LP: I know.

BM: We'll let Mary slide this time. Mary giggles in the gym behind them.

LP: I just saw Chad doesn't have anyone right after so, -

BM: Yeah. This time. Just wanted to make sure you knew.

Montage of the morning: A string of trophy wives and old men come through the door for their sessions. Brett yells at a customer service representative on the phone. Chad trains all the women, Brett trains all the men. Lisa answers the phone - one way when Brett's in the gym, the right way when Brett's standing at her desk.

Cut to interview with Mary Finley.

MF (talking head): I've been training here - gosh, about six months now? I just love Chad. He got my body back.

Cut to before and after shots of Mary, looking basically the same.

MF (voice over): I had a baby. Well, I mean, I didn't, a surrogate did, but no one tells you how stressful it is to be a new mom! I was just like, housing sugar. Gained ten pounds. I can tell you, my husband noticed. So he sent me here and look at me now!

CD (talking head): Mary's doing great. We're keeping her on the lighter stuff for now, but she's improving a lot. And she looks great.

MF (talking head): I just really love Chad.

Cut to interview of DOC GLISTER, the oldest man in the world. Hunchbacked and wiry.

DG (talking head): Twenty-two years this spring, I been coming here. Only let Bretty boy train me. He knows my body.

Montage of Brett training Doc, massaging his varicose legs afterward.

DG (talking head): I'm a psychotherapist. Lotta sitting in chairs my whole life, but you'd never know it to look at me. Still walking! That's more than my brother can say, I'll tell you that.

BM (talking head): Doc is a prime example of why my program works. He's 92 and bench-pressing as much as I am. Shakes his head. What the fuck.

Cut to Brett standing at Lisa's desk. He cracks eggs into a small battery-operated blender/thermos, disposing of the shells in her trashcan.

BM: To camera. You know, the best diet is pure protein. A handful of greens for digestion, if you need it. But red meat. Eggs. Protein. That's what built all this. He slaps his belly. Turns on the blender, shouts over it. Cavemen knew it. Anything else is basically poison. This is the healthiest meal a man can have.

Lisa stares in horror as Brett chugs from the thermos, a tear sliding down his cheek as he gags a little.

BM: Ahh. Nothing like it. What're you doing for lunch, Lisa?

LP: I'm not really hungry.

BM: Fasting! Love it!

Lisa and Chad leave for their lunch breaks. We see Lisa eating a sandwich in a deli and looking ecstatic, Chad laying on a park bench looking dead inside. Brett retreats into a changing room and returns wearing the same outfit as he wore in the intro.

BM: Come on, let me show you what I can do.

Camera zooms in on a hypodermic needle sticking haphazardly out of Brett's bag in the changing room.

Montage of Brett training himself. He's bright red, throwing weights around and screaming at the end of each set.

BM: Out of breath. The key is to train to failure. You need to make the muscles fail. That's when they break down and build back up.

Lisa and Chad return and hear Brett screaming in the back. They roll their eyes at each other.

Enter MELANIE MONDO, elegant older woman.

MM: Hi, Lisa. Are you feeling any better?

LP: Loads, thanks. Brett's training. A scream rings out.

MM: Great, I'll just pop back and see him.

MM (voice over): I'm Melanie, Brett's wife. We've been married - gosh, it's going to be thirty years soon.

Cut to talking head interview, Melanie and Brett sitting next to one another.

BM: And each year better than the last!

MM: We started the gym together, but then I had the boys. I still run the books, but I'm more of a backseat driver.

BM: Couldn't have done it without her.

MM: Times are a little tight right now, but it'll get better. You know our success is cyclical - when Wall Street's down, so are we.

BM: But great bodies never go out of style. We're sticking through it.

MM: Absolutely.

Cut to Melanie and Brett at the door. Melanie gives Brett a kiss and walks out.

MM: Don't be late, ok?

Brett waves her off. He goes back to his training. Chad trains a woman nearby. Every time Brett screams, she jumps.

Later, Brett, still in his saggy exercise gear, dripping with sweat and vibrating with energy, starts pouring powders into the same blender he drank the eggs out of. He checks his watch.

BM: Shit! I've gotta get to Jersey. Mac's got a soccer game. Lisa, you'll lock up? Chad, you take any walk-ins. You can leave at 6 if no one shows.

Brett packs up his satchel. Before he puts his laptop away, he prints out an email. We see the sender's name and subject line: Elena Breem, What are we? He goes back to change and fill the blender with water. He runs out the door. Chad and Lisa sag with relief.

LP: Oh, thank god. I thought he'd never leave.

CD: What's on the docket today? The next episode of criminal minds, or should we be bold and go for a movie?

LP: No one booked until 4:30. Let's be bold.

Chad dims the lights and pulls over a chair. Lisa pulls up Boogie Nights on the desktop computer. Close up of their thighs just barely not touching. The phone rings. Lisa jumps, pauses the movie, answers.

LP: Lisa here at Great Body Advantage. What's up?

BM (through the phone): Lisa, we talked about this. Try again.

LP: Oh, hi Brett. Sorry. Chad sticks out his tongue. Hello, you've reached Great Body Advantage, where we help you get the most out of your body. My name is Lisa. How may I assist you today? Chad mouths along with her.

BM (through the phone): Much better. I printed out a personal email and forgot it. Like an IDIOT! Car horn sounds. Learn how to drive, asshole! Sorry, sorry. Ok. The email. I need you to grab it from the printer - do not look at it! It's personal! - and put it in my desk drawer. Can you do that?

LP: Sure thing, Brett.

Lisa hangs up and walks to the printer. She pulls out the sheet of paper and reads it immediately. Her face transforms with malevolent glee. She looks up at Chad.

LP: Oh, my god. You were right. It's Elena.

CD: What? He jumps out of his chair. WHAT?

LP: Listen to this "I dream of your rough hands on my - "Oh my god, ew. No, I can't read this.

Chad snatches the page from her and reads it.

CD: Holy shit. I knew they did it on the machines! Oh, gross. Can you even imagine?

LP: Don't make me.

CD: In a high-pitched voice. Ooo, Brett. Your musk is so appealing.

LP: Gruff. You know, for every ten pounds a man loses he gains an inch of dick meat.

CD: Also gruff. Healthiest meat there is.

They laugh. Lisa's face falls.

LP: Fuck, I feel bad for Melanie, though.

CD: Eh. Maybe now she can finally leave him.

LP: I'm going to go wipe down the machines again. Does it say which ones?

CD: No. But I found the panties next to the bench last week.

LP: Shudders. Great, I'll start there.

Cut to Brett, screaming in traffic.

BM (voice over): It's a job like no other. I make people into the best versions of themselves. I give them their bodies back. I make them well again.

Montage: Lisa scrubbing at the bench with clorox wipes. Melanie cheering for her son at the soccer game. Chad training woman, flirting.

Fade in, the commercial shoot from the opening of the show.

Young BM: Just an hour a week of my program, and I promise you, you won't even recognize yourself. That's the Great Body Guarantee. Poses. Great, you got that? We're all done?

Credits roll.