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This story may contain sensitive material or discuss topics that some readers may find distressing. Reader discretion is advised. The views and opinions expressed in this story are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of Vocal.

Are We Out of F*cks Yet?

A Satirical Essay

By Dana CrandellPublished 10 months ago 3 min read
Top Story - August 2023
Are We Out of F*cks Yet?
Photo by Doğukan Şahin on Unsplash

Disclaimer: I use the word “fuck” fairly often in private conversation, and quite loudly on occasion. (Just ask Pam.) I also use various terms that relate to fellatio and incest, and both male and female genitalia. I'm reasonably sure that I've used “The 'F' Word” somewhere in my Vocal stories. This is a satirical look at the growing prevalence of the term in stories I read on this platform. It may cost me some friends. It's bound to cause some resentment. All I can ask is that you read it with your sense of humor active. If you make it to the end (Don't cheat, dammit!) you might even find a fun little surprise.

Dear fellow Vocal Creators: Are we done yet? How many fucks does it take?

I know, we're all adults here. (Or are we?) It's just a word, and it's a very versatile one at that. We've all heard its praises "sung" by such comic genii (That's a real word.) as George Carlin. It's been glorified in various music genres (probably every music genre other than Gospel by now). I get it.

Let's face it; the synonyms just don't have the same impact. “Schtup you!” “I don't give a shag!” “Well, boink me!” “Hey, wanna' copulate?” There's always something lost in the translation. BUT, (And you knew there was a BUT, but whose but is it?) where does it stop?

It's becoming a requirement. The first thing I do when I open a new story is scan it. “Where's the fuck? No fuck? What 10-year-old wrote this?” I often wonder if the Curation Team does the same.

(Kidding! I'm kidding, @Vocal!)

I think Vocal should implement a new award, or maybe a Leader Board category: Most Fucks Given. (If they do it right away, I might have a winner here.) Wouldn't it look cool as a banner, right up there with Top Story?

I can feel the daggers in many sets of eyes as you're reading this. I already know that you're throwing erasers, or perhaps hand grenades in your head. Well, you can't do it for real, so know you! (Yeah, see, that biblical one doesn't really work, either.)

Oh, and since someone brought up “biblical,” yes, I'm a good ole Southern Baptist by choice, but I'm about as “backslid” as they come. The last time I was in church was for a funeral and I was still somewhat concerned the building might burst into flames as soon as I crossed the threshold. We can't blame this on religion.

By the way, I've never been a huge supporter of the old “Profanity is the last resort of a weak mind.” adage, or whatever version of it is in use today. The creators I follow on Vocal are most definitely not weak-minded. So let's not chalk my opinion here up to that excuse.

I'm also aware that I'm at least a generation apart from most of the writers on the platform. I grew up in a whole different world. In my world, if that word had escaped my lips at home, I would never have made it to the door. I've been making up for it ever since I got married the first time. (Not that the marriage was the cause – or was it?) The point is, I've become accustomed to it out here in the real world. And, let me say once again, I USE it. Pretty fucking well, in my opinion.

I'm not bothered, offended, outraged, devastated, mortified, broken or otherwise affected by reading the word “fuck” or derivatives thereof in what you write. I don't think less of anyone for including it. I simply wonder sometimes if we aren't overdoing it a bit. Like my overuse of adverbs/adjectives like “simply,” especially when “just” will do just fine. (Or should I say, “suffice?”)

Also, it's important to realize that I don't expect my opinions to mean anything. They're just fucking opinions. From a grumpy, old guy who has a fuckload of them. (Spellcheck didn't like that last one.)

And with that, it's about time to see whether or not this will make it to the Published stage. Before I go, though, let me leave you with the little tidbit I hinted at above (way up there).

WARNING: this first video is NSFW nor is it family friendly.

Here's an ALMOST family friendly version:

I do not own the rights to the embedded videos or the music therein.

As always, thanks for reading and here's your chance to let me have it in the comments!

SarcasmSatiricalGeneralCONTENT WARNING

About the Creator

Dana Crandell

Dad, Stedpad, Grandpa, Husband, lover of Nature and dogs.

Poet, Writer, Editor, Photographer, Artist and Tech/Internet nerd. Content writer by trade. Vocal Creator by choice.

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Comments (65)

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  • Jay Kantor8 months ago

    'Sup d-bud - Good to see you at 'Sacred Vows' but wanted to comment a little more personably here. You know I'm just an old fashioned StoryTeller, nothing more. I just post-um about once a month when they come to me. Funny, Dana, that story was just started as a 'Goof' to my Brother as to where the Poker game was going to be held. That was a fun one and I know you 'observation' write that way, too. I will have a new post in a few days 'HEARTSY'...I think you and Pam may like it? I see you bop all over the boards but, as you know, I'm not into contests/rewards; don't even know what a Haiku is  - Arigato - but I enjoy twisting yours about. We all have our agendas. I miss Doc but I think his feelings get hurt for lack of support in the literature department - I just ain't sophisticated I reckon. j-bud

  • Kelly Sibley 9 months ago

    Fucking loved it!

  • Amelia Moore10 months ago

    ha. agreed. i love the word 'fuck' though, but it's definitely something that should be used carefully in writing so it has a more powerful effect.

  • Donna Fox (HKB)10 months ago

    Dana, I love your sense of humour! I laughed so hard at the second about you and the curation team scanning for a fuck and then deeming it not Top Story material! Lol 😂 I appreciate the sentiment that you don’t believe “profanity is the last resort of a weak mind”! I personally believe it’s the best tool of a creative mind! Like how you alluded to the idea that fucks should be an award on the leaderboard, so should profanity. “How many profanities can you string together in a single sentence and have it still make sene” like a tautogram of sorts but in profanities! I’m disappointed that spellcheck doesn’t know what fuckload is… how unsatisfying! Thank you for this, it was a great read and my pleasure to come along for the fucking ride! 😜 I want you to know that my lack of fucks in a story are because I have a small jar on my desk with a single fuck in it (literally, its a wooden cut out fuck), so then I can tell people I’m saving my last fuck for a special occasion! 🤣 Anyways, congrats on TS and I am so fucking happy for you!! Great work D!

  • Gina C.10 months ago

    I absolutely love this, Dana! ☺️ I, myself, don't mind the word "fuck" at all 😅 and I always find myself feeling more comfortable with people who don't mind it either! I was once told by someone that the word "fuck" did not "belong" in one of my poems, and I wanted to say "who the fuck are you to tell me that, anyway?" 😅 I agree - curse words do not symbolize a weak mind! I actually read that people who cuss are more intelligent 🤗 I've been on a bit of a break from Vocal but I'll be back soon to read more of your amazing words! 🤗 Congrats on Top Story!! 🤗

  • Grz Colm10 months ago

    Already read, but.. Congrats on your leaderboard placement yesterday! 🎉👏

  • Thavien Yliaster10 months ago

    Short answer, "No." Long answer, "Maybe." I'll have to come back to read this later and provide a proper comment. I saw the title in my email and had a giggle.

  • ThatWriterWoman10 months ago

    As a half-irish woman who swears like a sailor, I fuckin loved this! And the videos are hysterical!

  • charles magagula10 months ago

    Wonderful work!

  • EYHCS10 months ago

    Hilarious, nice work!

  • Raymond G. Taylor10 months ago

    Brilliant! I have a love/hate relationship with the F word and, though I use it too many times, hate the way it is used as a poor substitute for dramatic action and emotional dialog in screen and tele plays. Also makes me cringe when I hear it used as punctuation. Congrats on a deserved TS!

  • Greg Seebregts10 months ago

    Ah, there go the monday blues...I'll probably read this one every week from now on :)

  • Caroline Jane10 months ago

    Love this. I have long loved the YouTube clip (my husband's favourite he wants it played at his funeral 🤣). Reminds me of my very posh Grandma who had no idea what the word "twat" meant and would stand on the edge of her garden and say to dog walkers in a posh English accent."you, you twat, please refrain from allowing your dog to foul my lawn" It was hilarious! 🤣

  • Excellent work

  • Lana V Lynx10 months ago

    This is hilarious, thank you for the good laugh and the Carlin reference. I’m following the work of a popular young comedian Matt Rife who uses the word fuck a lot, it’s like a punctuation for him. He puts subtitles into most of his reels and the word is always spelled with the “g” for “ck” to avoid censorship I guess. There’s a lot of fugging and fuggs in those subtitles. I use the word sparingly in my writing and always agonize about using * for u so that it doesn’t look too offensive but is still authentic to the interaction. And personally, I find myself using it a lot more since Putin started the fucking war against Ukraine. Thanks for the song, it reminded me of the book The Subtle Art of Giving No Fucks by Mark Manson which I sometimes assign to students in my Ethics in Communication course. I know it’s a lot for one comment, but it’s definitely a thought-provoking top story.

  • JBaz10 months ago

    Well bless this piece for what it is and I hope everyone laughed and enjoyed it as much as I did , if not well they can go F&^%K themselves. Below was the theme for us as we grew up on the Canadian Prairies:

  • Heather Lunsford10 months ago

    It is a very versatile word, I know it is getting much more use here in the states than it did when I was a kid but we could really use some lessons on using this word from our friends in Ireland they put the potty mouths amongst us to shame.

  • Melissa Ingoldsby10 months ago

    Soup nazi is hilarious 😂 I love this Dana! Your no nonsense attitude is very relatable

  • J. S. Wade10 months ago

    Fuck yeah! Congratulations Dana on your fucking awesome essay. You had me a George Carlin. ( I was raised, embedded, indoctrinated in a Southern Baptist Church as well. I know more than a few folks who could have benefited from various usages of it. Like Mrs. Hodges who sat on the last pew end, nearest the door, for forty years. When visitors mistakenly sat in her seat (and she politely moved them) I’m sure fuck rolled through her codgy mind. She would have lived longer if she’d just let it out once in a while and church would have been a more exciting. Imagine - the pastor saying, “following the service we will move to the courtyard where we will publicly flog Mrs Hodges for saying ‘fuck!’ All are welcome to attend this time of fellowship.”

  • Dana Stewart10 months ago

    Great piece, and the Fuck Nazi is a nice touch! Congrats on the TS!

  • Erin W M10 months ago

    Well done! I've known about Tom's song for a while though the one I've seen was in a suit shop and I had never seen the versions you played. Wonderful accompaniment to your hilariously thoughtful essay!

  • Had me clutching my pearls so hard the whole time that they broke! Nah, but I will say you might have to update the whole "the only genre the F word has not graced is Gospel." I literally saw a clip of a service where a guest preacher cussed the whole time, then pulled out a gun when it was time for offering demanding a certain amount to be in the plate before he left. All that aside, fun read and Congratulations on Top Story!

  • Dean F. Hardy10 months ago

    Fuck you very much, Dana ☘❤

  • ARC10 months ago

    😂 Brilliant. What a fornicating fun read - and a knowing well-voiced perspective! Congrats on TS for this one, Dana. Great blooming work. P.S. no sodding clue how I got randomly unsubscribed from you. I still got the bloody notification that you posted this yesterday though soo… 🤷🏻‍♂️ Either blooming way, we are safely resubbed again (I fucking hope).

  • Aynur Yusifova10 months ago

    Congratulations on your Top Story

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