An apology

Secretary of State for Social Scrutiny, Sir Edward Bicycle, outlines a new framework of putative remorse and theoretical sorrow with regard to the latest press reports of ministerial conduct.

The Government, your Government, has had its difficulties recently. There have been accusations of sleaze, spin, whitewash and, most recently, less than wholesome conduct with a dead rhinoceros, and I want to apologise about these events, frankly, openly and honestly and frankly to the public. I am sorry; no, I am more sorry than I can express at the way events have conspired to force our hand to let the public down in such a profound fashion.

At times like these, it is prudent to think of what steps we must take so that events out of our control do not harm our frank and open reputation for stepping up to the plate. I know this is what you must feel has gone wrong. And it is precisely because I share your concern, perhaps, if I may say so, more deeply than you are capable of sharing it yourselves, that I want to address each allegation in turn, candidly, and without the spin for which this Government has, regrettably, become known by people who do not understand it.

“what a man does with a deceased ungulate in the privacy of his own time, regardless of how historically unconventional or anatomically questionable it may have been, is a matter of personal freedom”

While I have noted the, shall we say ‘spirited’, public discourse regarding my rhinoceros rendezvous, I find it profoundly disheartening that a fleeting lapse in judgment is being permitted to overshadow our legislative agenda. If we spent half as much time discussing our muscular modernisation as we do fixating on the, frankly, over-reported details of that particular candlelit evening, we would be a far more cohesive society.

When I think about the rhino I know, I am also sorry for the hurt her mistreatment at the hands of the press has caused the zoo keeper.

On the subject of reporting, there has been an orchestrated campaign of disparagement that has rang out loud from the hollow bells of opprobrium and I will be introducing emergency legislation in the medium term to deal robustly and nip vituperation in the bud.

I say this: what a man does with a deceased ungulate in the privacy of his own time, regardless of how historically unconventional or anatomically questionable it may have been, is a matter of personal freedom, and it is frankly, quite frankly, offensive that it has been weaponised by the press to distract from our wide-ranging and sweeping reforms.

Our reforms form a key part of the Government’s wide- ranging, sweeping reforms, which will overturn and build on the successful wide-ranging and sweeping reforms we introduced last year.

Our goal is to ensure that the next generation of civil servants understands that true service is about ignoring the noise, keeping one’s head down, and staying entirely, firmly, and muscularly on-task, no matter what distractions may be lying, or indeed decomposing, in the back garden.

It may come to pass that we are faced with the need to reformulate our, and by “our” I mean your, civil liberties in the context of a world where our, and by “our” I mean my, authority is under threat, and where that threat is clearly and without a shadow of doubt, you.

With that in mind, I have commissioned a report into why the public was allowed to hear these rumours in the first place, as the leak of such private, ungulate-adjacent information is a grave concern for national security.

Without jeopardizing the work of the report’s authors I would like to make it clear that if it turns out that a transgression of the legislative framework occurred, my dealings with the rhinoceros were no different than the common man’s struggle with a stubborn jar of pickles.

Moving on, as we must, to the rumours of the Prime Minister’s secret underwater base, which was hampered by what can only be described as a hostile takeover by a local population of disgruntled crustaceans.

At no point has the Prime Minister accidentally sold the population of a small village to a private hedge fund. Furthermore he did not use funds obtained in this exact manner for the purchase of 6 square miles of sea bed, shares in a waterproof concrete contractor and a fresh, invigorating new logo for the facility following a review of its brand identity, DNA and a transaction that lists a box of Wispas and a vat of high grade Columbian cocaine.

For all of this, the Government wishes to offer its deep and unreserved apology for the regrettable and shameful way the public has felt.