Women Wanna Heist Too

Women want to commit crimes too, and no we don't need a man to convince us to do it.

I was listening to Dane Cook the other day at work, and on one track his 'Heist/Monkey' bit came up. He talks about how one girl says that all men want is sex, and he says nay. Men also want to be art of a heist and have a pet monkey.

Honestly, I don't want a pet monkey. I have a cat that battles me every time I sit down or walk into a dark room that she's lurking in.

But I do dream about being part of a heist team. Ever since I watch the Italian Job with my grandpa as a kid, I wanted to be Charlize Theron breaking into a safe owned by Ed Norton to steal $20 million dollars worth of gold. My grandpa even taught me how to crack an old safe lock.

He had a past, I'm convinced.

Anyway, yes I want to be part of a heist.

Personally, I loved Ocean's 8. I was annoyed that people were saying things like 'it's because they couldn't find more than 8 women that could stand to be in the same room'. But I say to them Nay, that's not the reason there's only 8 women. It's because it only takes 8 women to do the job of 11 men, and they didn't need to cause a city wide black out that could have potentially caused mayhem and chaos and the death of innocent people.

But I digress.

Sandra Bullock's character makes several excellent points, including that women commonly get ignored by men.

“A ‘him’ gets noticed and a ‘her’ gets ignored, and for once we WANT to get ignored.”

Yes, there are several super cheesy moments in this movie, but you cannot sit there and honestly tell me Ocean’s 11 doesn’t have just as many cheesy scenes.

Moving on to the main topic, women want to be in a heist.

No, committing a crime is not cool and it will probably land you in jail since the track record of American Heists has not panned off too well. Jesse James, Newton Boys, John Dillinger, and I know those were primarily bank robbers but it’s basically the same thing.

It’s still a cool concept.

In my fantasy of being part of a bank robbery, I want to be either the getaway driver or the person who goes to work on the inside to get information. I know my limits, I couldn’t come up with a flawless plan or be the one to invade and rush in to get the money. But I can drive and I can gather information to put everything in motion.

I’d be driving a plain car, something common for the area to get lost in a crowd, but the engine would be super charged with a turbo boosted engine and 500 horsepower and those special gel covered tires in case someone shoots them out.

I wouldn’t do the job for anything less than at least $3 million dollars. I mean, would you break a serious crime with the major possibility of getting caught for $50,000? If I’m going to infiltrate a company to steal from them, my cut will be $3 million so I can live out the rest of my life carefree. But still frugal enough to not raise suspicion. It would just be nice to have money tucked away in case my mom gets sick and I won’t have to sell everything I own plus mortgage my house and probably sell a kidney or my liver to pay for the life-saving operation she’ll require.

That’s the problem in America, all it takes is one major medical problem and that’s it. We die. We are too broke to live.

Breaking Bad - Walt turns to making meth to pay for his own cancer treatment.

Catch That Kid - Kristen Steward at 12 years old steals money from a bank to pay for her dad's life saving surgery.

Hell or High Water - Two brothers rob banks to keep their family homestead from a bank who took advantage of their mother while she was on her deathbed from breast cancer and she had to mortgage her property to pay her medical bills.

Hollywood has made a Bill Gates sized fortune off of stories of people breaking the law for the chance for their family members to just live.

I think that says more about our healthcare system than the intelligence of heist criminals.

But if I’m gonna go to prison, I’m gonna go for a big crime like robbing three Vegas casinos at once or the Met Gala.