Woman Marries Tetris

On January 2018, news outlets began reporting of Noorul Mahjabeen Hassan, a 20-year-old woman who planned to marry Tetris. You know, the blueprint from which all other Match 3 games are drawn? Bow down, Candy Crush.

Since then, I’ve been unable to find any updates on her, so I’ll assume the best and hope she and Tetris are enjoying their union as game and wife.

When the story became international that year, the trolls were predictably cruel.

They made comments about her mental fitness, her facial hair -- you know, the usual stuff. Some were even politicizing the issue, asking why is this allowed but gay marriage isn’t (this was prior to the Supreme Court ruling on same sex marriage). 

As for the wedding, Hassan had planned to commemorate her love for Tetris in a commitment ceremony.

She also planned to call herself Mrs. Tetris, but in the meantime, she sleeps with him (an original 1984 cartridge), and spends up to 12 hours a day playing Tetris on her phone, computer, and Gameboy.

Oh, and if you're a stickler for gender pronouns, she refers to him as "he" so I'm going to respect her choice.

It's been 8 years since Hassan declared her love for Tetris, but my support of their union remains the same. Here are 5 reasons why.

1. Your have a right to your sexual preferences.

Let me qualify -- you have a right to your sexual preferences as long as you're not hurting others or impeding your ability to be a safe, responsible human being.

Beyond that, it's no one's business whether you're aroused by statues (agalmatophilia), Giant beings (macrophilia), or inanimate objects (objectophilia).

Whether you think sexual preference is a choice or something you're born with, it really doesn't matter. You have a right to love who (or what) you love.

In Hassan's case, her preference is robots and objects, with past loves including a Garmin GPS and a Texas Instrument NSpire CX calculator.

2. They're not hurting anyone.

Hassan has said that her haters never have an answer for why she shouldn't date Tetris. I'm sure they do -- just not any good ones.

The truth is, her relationship with Tetris doesn't get in the way of anyone else's freedom. It doesn't disrupt their way of life, nor override their personal beliefs. That's why they can't come up with any answers.

Of course, I would object if I thought Tetris was abusing her or holding her back. But as far as anyone can tell, Hassan hasn't been "turned out" by Tetris. She's not hooking on the streets in between stints at the county jail.

She's in school, has friends, and is able to speak of her relationship with Tetris in a rational, articulate manner. So really, who's it hurting?

3. You should live an honest life.

In my opinion, people object to other people's sexuality because it makes them uncomfortable.

But that's not a reason to criminalize their choice or to shame them over it. That makes people go into hiding, pretend to be something they're not, and in many cases, end their lives because it's not worth living a lie.

Yes, Hassan's version of love and sexuality makes me uncomfortable on some level.

Still, no one should stop or change what they're doing simply because it makes me uncomfortable. That means other people can demand I change myself because it makes them uncomfortable.

Sorry, I don't live to make others comfortable and Hassan shouldn't have to either.

4. Tetris will never break her heart.

It's true. Like Rick Astley, Tetris is never gonna give her up, never gonna let her down. He will never belittle her or sleep with her friends or gamble away all her money. He won't leave a Post-It scrawled with "I can't. Don't hate me."

Tetris simply gives Hassan hour after hour of "immense satisfaction from clearing the lines and clearing them as quickly as possible."

Tetris doesn't even care where and how she plays him because he's platform-fluid. Whether she wants to cuddle up in bed with her Gameboy or pull out her phone for a quickie, Tetris is there. And he'll always be there.

Sigh... it's enough to make me want to marry Tetris.

5. He makes her happy.

Isn't that what really matters? Isn't that what we want for ourselves and our loved ones?

Like the U.S. Constitution says, we have a right to "the pursuit of happiness." Personally, this is the only reason I need to support the union of Tetris and Mrs. Tetris.

In conclusion, I wish these two a lifetime of matrix filling and tetrimino stacking!