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Why You Want A Jealous Partner

by Ellen "Jelly" McRae 18 days ago in dating / advice
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And why a little dose of reality from an extreme partner never hurts your perception of life.

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If you were to list the top five qualities of a partner you want, jealousy wouldn't make the list.

Your dream, forever person, wouldn't have a jealous bone in their body, am I right?

Not only would that be wishful thinking, to have a partner with zero jealousy, but it also wouldn't serve you in the long run.

Hear me out.

Jealousy within romantic relationships is a sign of trust issues, and unhealthy dynamics and has the potential to destroy any future happiness. We know how bad jealousy can be for a relationship, especially at the extreme most people think about.

At all costs, avoid a jealous partner.

But what if this impending doom we're worried about can actually help us?

We can transform everything in life into a teachable moment if we look for growth potential. And dating a jealous person can help you uncover the truths of what you want in a relationship better than anything else can.

A little jealousy might help you. Here's how.

Jealous partners give you the love you need

Most people will complain that their jealous partner is always in their business. They are constantly checking up on them, calling, messaging, and dropping in announced.

It doesn't seem like it comes from a palace of caring; it seems like the person is trying to catch their partner in the act of being dishonest. 

Cheating. 

Doing something they don't approve of. 

Breaking the relationship trust.

Whilst it can be that a jealous partner gives you love and affection you don't get with the polar opposite type of partner. They show you warmth, and attention when an aloof partner wouldn't.

Their jealous behaviour can show you what it's like to have someone who wants to be in your life all the time. To have someone who doesn't make you work for their attention.

It shows you what affection can look like, even at an extreme.

They help you see your priorities

Jealous partners want you to spend all their time with them. They don't want any distractions getting in the way of your relationship with them.

It's not always about other people, which I will get to in my next point. It can be jealousy about how much time you dedicate to your work, your hobbies, and your obligations outside of the relationship.

I had an ex who hated it when I went to my dancing classes, even though I had been doing them since I was eight.

Sometimes a jealous partner harbours an irrational point of view about your priorities. 

Yet, often they have a point. 

You do focus too much time away from your relationship. And you don't put enough effort into the person you're supposed to care about.

This is one of many wake-up calls I will talk about in this piece. 

A jealous partner helps you see your priorities, or lack thereof, for what they are.

We don't always have our priorities right.

And despite their concerns coming from a jealous point of view, there is some merit there.

They help you evaluate toxic friendships you can't see

Another classic jealous behaviour is the push and pull to lure you away from your friends.

It's where a jealous partner points out all the ways your existing circle of loved ones don't serve you, don't love you and don't deserve to be in your life.

This behaviour is usually so they can spend more time with you, selfishly. They don't want to share you with anyone else, as I mentioned earlier.

Whilst I don't agree with their motives, I do agree with the jealous partner's observations. Sometimes, they're right about the people in your life. 

They are bad for you. Some relationships you have are toxic, and they are the only person able to point it out to you.

Though a non-jealous partner might still do this, sometimes people try to purposefully avoid heading down this path for fear of looking jealous.

What results? You end up with toxic relationships and a partner biting their lip.

Some jealous behaviour would help everyone in this scenario.

They help you understand boundaries with the opposite sex

As a female, this is a cliche I've endured much in my life.

The moment another woman comes onto the scene or exists in my partner's life, I have to be jealous of them. I'm programmed to hate other women, threat or no threat.

Thankfully I broke my programming and see female friends as just that; friends. I believe no one can ruin a relationship for me. Only the people within the relationship can do that.

But despite the fact I see life this way doesn't make me a pushover. It doesn't mean the people I have dated can push the boundaries with the opposite sex, thereby pushing the boundaries of my trust.

I had a jealous ex-boyfriend to help teach me that. Despite the fact I hated that he didn't like me talking to any guys, at all, he did help me understand my actions. 

  • How I interacted with other people.
  • What was appropriate for a friendship when I was single versus whilst in a relationship. 
  • How my actions affect the person I'm dating and how I need to consider their feelings.

Though jealous partners take this to an extreme, we could all use a little reality check when it comes to the boundaries of a relationship.

Sometimes we're pushing them and don't even know it.

A jealous partner helps you understand what trust means

Most people will tell you a jealous partner doesn't trust you. And whilst feelings of jealousy come stem from that, it's not always the case.

Not that I'm defending overly jealous people, yet that's a whole other topic for another day. But if you're not a jealous person, it's only right to assume that their jealousy comes from not trusting you.

That can be a difficult pill to swallow, especially when you haven't done anything wrong.

When this happens to you, when a jealous partner makes you question trust, you learn more about what trust means to you.

It's a lesson in how people trust, how they go about working through trust, and what you can do to work through trust issues.

If you've never had trust issues before, a jealous partner can help you understand the other side of relationships.

Because, somewhere down the line, you will learn that you don't have to be a jealous person to have trust issues.

A jealous partner helps you figure out what you want and will put up with

Probably the best thing about dating a jealous person is they help you figure out what you want. Or don't want. Or both.

Whilst I wouldn't want you to suffer through a person's intolerable jealousy, the pain comes with great knowledge.

You understand your threshold for what you want in a relationship. You understand the type of relationship you want to have.

You understand how people's jealousy manifests and how it makes you feel.

This is one of those things in life where you don't know what you're missing out on until you've experienced it.

Though people like me can warn you all day, every day, the power of finding out for yourself always wins.

Dose of salt people

Now, I know so many of you are going to want to chime in with outrage and disgust. Why would you want a jealous partner? Jealousy is bad, don't you know anything? You must be jealous if you're advocating for it.

Am I reading your mind right now?

Well, I would love it if you could give me a little more credit.

You obviously don't want a super jealous and possessive partner. You don't want someone who cripples your life and makes you wish you never met them.

That's not the extreme we're talking about here, as you've probably gathered. Someone like that doesn't make a relationship worth it.

In many ways, this is about the problems with having a partner with zero jealousy, at all. Though, if you ask me, those people don't exist.

Jealousy is a normal thing. We like to bury this feeling deep down, pretend like we don't get jealous, to make ourselves seem like good people.

Whilst becoming an overly jealous person is bad, we can't deny who we are. And to hunt for an entirely unjealous person is like hunting for the relationship unicorn. They don't exist.

But you can't deny how some jealousy can help you. And your relationship. The balance is key here.

Take the good from jealousy and balance it with healthy behaviours, you can't go wrong.

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About the author

Ellen "Jelly" McRae

Writes about romanceships (romance + relationships) | Loves to talk about behind the scenes of being a solopreneur on The Frolics | Writes 1 Lovelock Drive | Discover everything I do and share here: www.ellenjellymcrae.com

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