Why is this happening to me

Remember in the beginning when you thought about how everything was “too perfect”? Basically waiting for the “other shoe” to drop?

What if one day, you woke up and you had your day going great. Everything was just fine, but then BOOM! Everything changed. Who would’ve thought that your outlook on things could change by something you thought never would’ve happened to you. Or at least, you thought wasn’t going to happen to you again.

Well, here I am. Here’s my story. So if you’re ready for the long ride, please sit and enjoy.

When I first met him, I didn’t think anything was going to come from it. I thought we would only be friends seeing as how he just got out of a relationship not to long beforehand. Then, when everything was said and done. You realize that you started developing feelings for this person. Feelings that you honestly thought you wouldn’t be able to feel again.

Having someone like this in your life brings nothing but over the moon happiness. You finally found someone who accepted the fact that you’re a mother, someone who thought you were beautiful no matter what, someone who was supportive, fun, all around amazing. It’s to the point at this time that you could see yourself marrying this person. You were able to welcome this person so easily that you opened up the most vulnerable parts of yourself to them. Literally handing them the key, giving them the benefit of the doubt to come into your life. Give them the option to come in, fuck everything up, and then continue on with their lives.

Finding this person, you get so overwhelmed that you want to show them off to the world, you want them to meet your family and best friends. You know that this person would get the approval of everyone.

That’s what I did. I introduced him to everyone I knew. I wanted to show everyone that I finally found a winner. I finally found someone that loved me and only me and made everyone else want what I had, and not the other way around for a change.

You’d think that after everything we’ve been through, nothing could destroy that. Nothing could come close to making you question everything. You didn’t expect to have to sit there and have something so special be attacked and made feel vulnerable. You didn’t know something could make you want to become a hermit, not answer your phone, not talk to anyone and continue on within your days. In the dark.

The road we have been on for almost two years has been a struggle. We’ve encountered homelessness, renting a room from a friend's family members house who did nothing but take advantage of us. We’ve been through a chemical pregnancy, and then an actual miscarriage. We’ve been through sleepless nights from fighting and arguments, through his family members not liking me because they missed his ex-girlfriend, even though she destroyed him.

You’d think that with everything we’ve been through, everything we have to go through, we would be on the same page of not wanting to be hurt like we both have been within the past.

Then, what happens when you trust so much that you’d never think you’d have to have a sit down and a conversation about something that makes your insides literally fall apart. It makes you start to rethink everything that is happening because you don’t know if you’ve been lied to all this long. Well, this is where I am. One night, when he came home from work he seemed off. So we ended up going outside together to have a cigarette, and that’s when he dropped it on me. My “best friend” is obsessed with doing Tik Tok dances, and slutty ones at that. Well, she took them and posted them to other social media platforms. That's when he for some unknown reason began commenting upon her and her videos. Some would say why are you mad at her, why’d you stop being friends with her when he was the one who initiated it. Well, here’s the reasoning why. When something like this happens, or something bad in general we were always suppose to go to one another. Well so I thought.

Throughout our years of friendship, I have always been there for her. When she was crying over a guy who broke her heart, when her parents threatened to send her away. When her ex-boyfriend beat the absolute shit out of her. I was there for her when her more recent child’s father hounded her for an abortion, left her for his other child’s mother, when she didn’t have money for food for the baby’s formula. DCF became involved at one point and I dropped everything to go get her children so they knew they were in a household that was safe and had anything and everything they needed. When her mother went into the hospital, I went there and cooked them dinner. When her mother finally came home, I could tell how exhausted she was, so what did I do? I took her oldest to my house, then did her remote school learning with her all day and made sure she got her work done that she needed. I have been there for her through the thick and the thin.

Now that this happened, I got the lame excuse as to why she was waiting to tell me in person. When? Seeing as how neither of us drive. So if she came here, he would have to pick her up and vice versa. So I asked her questions, and she couldn't even respond. So either way, I was never going to be told. But her more recent child’s father knew before me, and the sad part is, he was “best friends” with mine. Now I feel as if when and if they see each other in person, they’re just going to fight and if they fight it's more going to be about her than anything else.

It’s been a couple of days since I’ve found everything out. I’ve sat here thinking more upon if I’m more hurt or sad, maybe even completely angry. I still sleep next to him, I Still hug him, I still say I love you. But when I do it, I feel like he sees that I’m looking at him a little differently. That I’m second guessing his I love you’s, his I miss you’s, his I want you. It’s different, it hurts, but it’s something that’s going to happen when it comes to trying to get past something.

Well, here’s to an even longer road for me. Learning to trust someone I once trusted my whole entire world with.