I Just Want To Be Okay

For starters, I know recently it's been tough due to the circumstances that we’ve been encountering. I know that we’ve been trying to work on everything and then it feels like we take 10 steps backwards because of feelings, or because I bring everything up again. I know that the last couple of days, going through everything, has been torturing you. One minute we were okay, the next we were fighting, or the time after that I’m pissed and then you’re upset.

I just wanted to point out that I’m sorry. I’m trying my best on getting everything together, and moving forward. I miss having my best friend, my partner in crime. I miss being able to run to you when you got home from work and I’d already be running to the door to attack you when I saw you.

But now that everything has happened, I feel like you’re looking at me differently. I've felt for a little while now that you’ve been getting tired of me anyways because we barely cuddle anymore. We barely do what we used to do in general together. I feel like in a way when you commented on the video and the picture over the summer, you didn’t think anything wrong of it because you thought you were being nice, obviously until I explained why you don’t do that. But i feel like you may feel like i've been feeling distant so in a way, you did it to feel something. To see if I would even care in a way.

I’m sorry for everything. I’m sorry for making you feel tortured. I’m sorry for the fighting. I’m sorry for not believing you in the beginning. I’m sorry that I keep bringing it up. I’m sorry for second guessing things. I’m sorry for making you feel so cold, and lonely. I’m sorry that when I was down and feeling alone, I exiled you and vetoed your feelings. That wasn’t fair on my side, I should’ve known better. I’m sorry.

What I cannot be sorry about is that I have feelings. I have these thoughts within my mind that I wack back and forth throughout the days because honestly, I’ve been through so much within the past that I never want anything to happen to you. I never want anything to happen to us. The sad part is, you could’ve cheated and I honestly probably would still be here, I mean even though I’m saying that obviously don’t do it. Because honestly I wouldn’t stay because of the pain. Ugh, this makes no sense. It did in my head before I started to put it into words.

So I guess what I’m saying is that I’m sorry, and I want us to get back to where we used to be. Where we both trusted each other with everything, where we never had to second guess anything. I just think where we are in our relationship, it's time where we focus on us and not our “friends” unless they’re strictly “the guys” or my literal only friend thats a female Courtney.

Just please tell me if we are okay, please tell me that you aren’t wanting to go anywhere and you aren’t wanting to stray away. Please tell me that you aren’t looking at me differently and you still feel the same that you have since the beginning. Please tell me that when we have sex, you still feel the spark. You still feel the love that we've been sharing. Please tell me that when you look at me you still feel the same way, and that you aren’t just saying you are because you think it's right and you don’t want to hurt me.

Please give me the sign of strength and give me the sign that when everything is said and done, we are alright. That no matter what, we are there for one another and we will not have to reopen this chapter within our lives and relationship again.