Why Don't You Hear Me?

There’s something you said that has kind of been bothering me.

“Remember that what you do in a day is our plans, not just your plans.”

I’m sorry, what? I get that we are going down a path of building a future together but there is still so much you don’t know. For example, I was put on a leave of absence for my program for 3 weeks. I am so happy to be given 3 weeks to relax and get my mental health sorted. I was in such a funk. I am feeling a lot better with going to the gym and spending time with myself again. Sometimes I get scared to tell you that I have mental health issues. I don’t want you to know. You will probably judge me, and I know you say you love me, but I how will you understand?

You come from such a different background that I just don’t understand. Well, I do. Although, at the same time, I don’t. I understand when you tell me it is good to get out and do things; to keep busy. I know I need to stay productive in the things I do throughout the day, and I want to use this time wisely. You just don’t understand that we have different goals. I have different things to work through. Maybe I should tell you. I know I will have to at some point, but I don’t want you to worry. I’m okay, I just couldn’t cope. I’m going to get better and a part of that is to mentally prepare myself for how to deal with the stresses that will come when I go back to school.

Like when I am sitting in the back of a classroom feeling useless and like a complete nuisance, how am I going to deal? Cause I must pull through. I must make it through. I think figuring out what kind of mental disorder I have will help me figure out how to deal with it. For so long I didn’t want to deal with this. I haven’t wanted to even admit it’s real. I kind of think that it’s a lesson to prove to me that mental illness is real. Or else I might have never believed it. I might have gone the rest of my life blaming my mom for all the things she has done. I’m not saying mental illness gets you off the hook or automatically makes you blameless, but I think learning about it more will help me be more understanding and patient. I still have to take responsibility for myself and how I handle things. I need to get better at calming down when I get into that heated, non-negotiable state of mind.

I’m getting better. Every day I get better. The other day we had our first fight. As you were flipping threw your photos, I saw you hadn’t deleted all the nudes you had of random girls. You told me you deleted them, that you only wanted me. I was mad, but I didn’t want to show you. I got up without saying a word and walked to the bathroom. I took 10 minutes just sitting on the bathroom floor. I had some bad thoughts going through my head. You kept knocking on the door. It took you a while to get the hint, but after I had gathered myself, I went out to address you.

You were defensive at first but eventually you realized that how hurt I was that you lied to me. After that you moped for a bit. You felt bad about it, and you tried to make it right. I wish I wouldn’t have known that at that point, my faith in you was gone. But I thought to myself, at least you are going to try. You have such a strong mindset. I look up to you for that. You are so strong minded, and you could do anything you put your mind to. You would be even better if you were here for the right reasons. I think you have in you to care about deeper thing than the pleasures this world offers. But you have been burdened with obsession of material objects. You have also become obsessed with pleasing me, I am afraid it isn’t healthy. I worry for your health, and then you come to me with that.

“Remember that what you do in a day is our plans, not just your plans.”

Sometimes I don’t know who you think you are in my life. We only met two months ago. I am starting to become uncomfortable with how fast this is moving. I want to slow down. But when I tell you, you don’t hear me. You tell me you love me and that you want things to move faster, that you have a timeline of two years before you want us to be married with kids.

Then you remind me I've already agreed to this. I feel guilty. I said I would never leave you without trying to work it out. At the time I didn't realize the way you took that. We had only known each other a month, and I didn't see what was coming. Now I am the guilty one because I am starting to question things.

Maybe we need to take some space apart. You are still saying that I am the reason you live and breath. That every day is about me and building toward our future. Do you know what you are saying?

I know you want to me a part of you, and you want us to be a team but there are things you don’t know. Things that I am not ready to share with you yet.

Why don’t you hear me? Do you not believe me when I say I am not ready? Or do you just not care? I am preprogramed fight or flight and I have been trying to fight. We spend every day together, you have become such a big part of my life so fast. I’m not ready to let you go.