Who Am I Without Anyone?

Loneliness. As a sensitive soul, the weight of loneliness has felt crushing at times. Believing it was a void to be filled, a need to be met, I searched for wholeness. Rejection led to fewer and fewer boundaries, more and more self-doubt, and sometimes self-hatred.

What is wrong with me? I’d ask myself over and over while the tears soaked the pillow.

“Mommy, you’re not alone.” My five-year-old daughter tells me. “I love you.”

Guilt and shame for scaring her pushes the pain over the edge. I hug her.

She’s too young to understand how empty I feel when my mother abandons me in a hundred different ways. Her Dad will never tell her, “What’s it like having a baby that looks nothing like you.” She has no brother to go silent on her for years on end.

My daughter is loved. Am I? How do I fill this void?

Desperation and determination claw their way to the forefront of my mind. I’ll join a church.

They welcome me. They learn my name. They invite me over.

They want me?

The message breaks through and I raise my hand in worship. I’ve found my place, my people. This is it. I’m not lonely.

Months go by. No friends. I sign up for church classes and events. I join bible studies. I volunteer. Nothing. I keep going. This church is my life now. It’s just a matter of time, right? My time is eaten up with all things church.

Years go by. I feel it, but push it down, down, down.

Why are they all getting together without me? They keep saying they want to hang out. But. Over and again, I’m excluded.

Oh. Maybe I’m not one of them, after all.

I feel it rising inside me. I push back. I pray. “Lord, why haven’t I made any friends at church over the last four years? That has to be enough time to connect with someone.”

The prayer floats quietly into the void.

“It’s a spiritual test.” They say. “Only Jesus can fill us. Seek him and you’ll be whole.”

I pray, I seek, I beg.

Have faith.

In a quiet moment, while she naps, I browse pictures on my phone. A video I don’t recognize. I hit play.

“Mommy, I miss you. I want to be where you are. I love you.”

A snap and a flame. My chest feels like hot, white fury.

I’ve put my pain first. My daughter has needed me and I put her aside. How could I abandon her? I’m like my mother. This isn’t right. There’s nothing supernatural going on. I’m looking in the wrong place. I have to leave it all.

My heart skips a beat.

If I leave, I have only myself to rely on. There’s nothing to bring me hope.

Fear. Terror. My breath catches.

A thought jumps at me. Has that not been the case all along?

I visit my Grandmother. She’s old and weak. Can’t talk. My daughter hugs her.

I should’ve visited Gram more often. She missed out on her granddaughter getting big.

Regret. Anger.

If I should’ve spent my time with my loved ones, what would I do without my loved ones? Who am I without anyone?

Me. I’m still me.

No one else needs to validate my existence except me.

I’ve never been lonely for someone else to love me. I’ve been lonely for myself.

A quietness settles. My mind is still. The guilt, shame, the void. It all dissipates.

I breathe.