I See the Light!

The Only Way To Live Is According To What Others Think

It doesn't matter if I'm told to do contradictory things. Be a doctor and a lawyer? Done. Be a Catholic, Evangelical, Paganist, Mormon- I'm everything all at once! In fact, I trust in God and believe there's no such thing.

I'm also a doctor, lawyer, botanist, writer, Human Resources Director, 4-star Admiral, and a self-employed digital nomad abstract artist notary public.

Whatever others tell me to do is exactly what I do. Period.

There have been many tasked by the heavens to steer me in the right direction. The chosen ones who have most often approached me usually have a divine connection or reached an evolutionary status within their soul that qualifies and mandates their influence in my life.

I'm really quite lucky to have so many elevated, wise souls looking out for me. First, because it clearly took many crossing my path before I relented. Second, can you imagine what my life would look like if I followed MY OWN PATH?? I'd be all over the place thinking differently, believing differently, being all authentic and stuff. My God, what a mess.

If I don't listen, it's perfectly reasonable to expect people to walk out on me, lecture me, berate me, correct me, pray for me, or maybe fire me. Because come on, they're trying to help me and I'm not letting them. How else are they to respond? Respectfully? Pfft.

How Did I Finally Come Around?

Timing, I guess. Or maybe it was just the persistence of those tagged as my divine mentors. Or maybe the last encounter was so spiritual, I stood no chance. Maybe my soul was like, "You've not listened all these years, but this time- this time pay attention!"

See, a "friend" who "loved me" from a very "deep place" took offense to something and decided to stick her finger in my face and yelled at me, making a massive scene in front of the other hikers on the trail and our kids.

"I've been in tears from your texts because no matter how much I'm hurting, you make everything about you. There is so much negative energy around you. You keep saying you want to grow but you won't listen to me. I'm not judging you. All my yelling wasn't anger, it was love."

After she kind of calmed down, she and her wife proceeded with an intervention to help me see how my friend's deep pain was my fault, and how my boyfriend and I were causing their dog to act weird.

"There's so much tension between you two." She explained.

My world shattered. Her evolved soul wrecked my weak, ignorant, baby soul.

Goddamn it, she was right!

It didn't matter that she and her wife had petty arguments in front of us. It didn't matter they were making unwise decisions sinking themselves further into a financial hole. It was me. I was the cause of unhappiness and distress and it was my responsibility to FIX her feelings and evolve to her spiritual level so we could stay friends.

From Resistance To Acceptance

This was my moment of reckoning. Suddenly, I saw how wrong I had been my entire life. If only I had done what the pastor said, followed my mom's advice, did what my brother wanted me to do, or listened to that ex-boyfriend, all those church people, that teacher, the boss, and those random people online.

To think, for forty-one years, I'd wasted time pursuing my own life on my own terms.

Thankfully, my friend's deep, deep, unconditional love based on the condition of my spiritual evolution as determined by her, was the message that made it through.

Right there on the hiking trail, surrounded by total strangers trying to look the other way as they walked past my friend's crazed screaming at the clouds, the foundation of my life cracked wide open and I saw the light.

My purpose is not to love myself, it is to fulfill the expectations of others based on their personal interests, preferences, and the pain and fear they have developed throughout life.

Like any truth, once you see it, you can't look away and pretend you don't know.

I relented. I begged forgiveness. I groveled. I kissed her feet and thanked her for the tirade.

My life was no longer my own. It belonged to her, God, not to God, to every person who crossed my path to show me "the way".

I could almost FEEL the ascension.

*Originally published in Medium*