Where does a sense of self-worth come from?

Each of us is born with infinite possibilities. All are potential geniuses. Why, as we slowly grow up, do many of us become passionless, no longer happy, no longer confident, and no longer loving ourselves? Become mediocre people?

It is easy to think that a person's sense of self-worth is high because the person is good enough, that is, he has many strengths and achievements. A person's sense of self-worth is low because of his shortcomings and deficiencies. This is one of the most common misconceptions. We can easily find that some people around us, despite the external conditions, look excellent, but he just has low self-esteem. This is because, of the level of self-worth, although some relationships with external conditions, the main thing, or from the amount of love received. No matter how outstanding a person's external conditions are, as long as he has had a serious lack of love, then he will have a serious inferiority complex. Conversely, no matter how ordinary a person may seem, as long as he has had sufficient love, then he will be very confident. It may seem that low self-esteem is due to a defect or shortcoming in some way, but in essence, it is anxiety about not being able to get the love for oneself.

And, there is a critical period for the formation of a sense of self-worth, which is before the age of 1. Swiss psychologist Verena Kast, in her powerful book, Overcoming Anxiety, writes

We believe that love and attention must be shown to infants as young as 6 months old for them to feel comfortable and develop well. If the child is upset and fussy because of too little attention, and the person close to him or her is not always appropriately soothed, then the child's initial confidence, which is the basis for a stable enough sense of self-worth, will be weakened.

It is generally believed that without the necessary love and attention to the child during these first 6 months, if the child is not shown that he is a person worthy of love, then the child's trust in the world will develop an unstable basic state. According to psychologist Malatesta, the ability to have stable relationships - also including a sufficiently stable sense of self-worth - depends largely on the ability to exchange happy feelings with the caregiver by the age of one.

There is an illustration for this view. Teddy Kaczynski, the most famous serial bomber in American history, was hospitalized at 6 months of age due to an illness during which he was not accompanied or comforted by a loved one. As a result, he went from being a happy child to a self-absorbed child after he was discharged from the hospital. In the Kasinkowski family, younger brother David grows into a rather compassionate man, while older brother Teddy, who has an IQ of over 160, sinks deeper and deeper into loneliness and eventually becomes a serial bomber.

It's not just children before the age of 1 who are particularly in need of love and attention. Psychological studies have also found that a child between the ages of 2 and 3 who has been separated from his or her most important caregiver for more than two weeks can also suffer irreversible psychological trauma.

Although most parents love their children, many parents love their children blindly, and not many can love their children correctly.

Typically failed parents: Michael Jackson's father, and Britney Spears' father. Jackson's father, Britney Spears' mother, under their upbringing, their children's careers are successful, but their lives are failures, and their lives a flop, with no happiness to speak of.

There are four types of incomplete love as follows.

1. "Conditional love"

Some parents do a lot of things for their children, and they want their children to excel, and they call it "to make him successful in the future", but the hidden subconscious may be: "Don't let mom and dad lose face, you have to fight for me and make me proud of you."

A similar unconscious voice could be, "I want you to achieve what I have not achieved, to reach what I have not achieved. I want you to exalt yourself in this world so that I can also exalt myself by you." "Don't let me down. I have sacrificed so much for you." "I love you and will always love you, as long as you listen and do what I say."

2. "Love that does not fully accept"

When the child succeeds, the parents are happy and love the child; when he or she fails, the parents are disappointed and keep counting, nagging, and even scolding the child.

3. "Over-indulgence"

From a young age, take care of yourself too much. When you grow up, you still take care of many things. The child is at home, just playing, just studying, do not want him to undertake other things. Such children, on the one hand, are very incompetent, and their self-care ability, the ability to interact with others, and social independence are very poor, to the community to see, only to find that they can not do anything, are afraid to do, so very low self-esteem; on the other hand, very selfish, very indifferent, will not pay, will not love others. Therefore, often seeing a home, there is a capable and tough mother and a weak son.

Arranged spoiled parents, deprive their children of the opportunity for self-exploration and do not know how to respect their children's independent personalities. Then, no matter how perfect their arrangements are, their children will have a feeling as if they are not living for themselves and learning for mom and dad. Therefore, the initiative to learn and the determination to overcome difficulties are weak. The sense of responsibility is also very poor. Because each person is most powerful only when he lives for himself.

Some people, walking, and doing things are breathless, and lethargic there is no life force look.

4. "Love that neglects the child's spiritual world"

Parents also seem to love their children, children want to buy anything, materially generous. Such a family also seems to be very harmonious, because the parents may be very simple, kind, are good people. However, because the parents themselves are not open and grand enough in their spiritual world and will only live their lives plainly, there will be little exchange of inner emotions, and thoughts in such a family, and it will be difficult to give the child spiritual guidance and establishment of worldview and values. If the child is troubled by anything in the spiritual world, he or she has to suffer in silence, groping in the dark with difficulty. Since in the family, the mode of communication is closed, such as a child, in the external interaction, the possibility of closure is high. If both internal and external communication is poor, this child's development is at risk. If, among the peers, there are good friends who can talk about everything, this child, at least, can still learn relevant knowledge from the peers.

Where does a sense of self-worth come from?

1. People often look for a sense of self-worth from the outside. However, it does not come entirely from external success but is rooted in the heart, from the unconditional acceptance of parents.

Because of my parents' unconditional acceptance, the concept of "no matter how I behave, they love me and I am worthy" is established. When he grows up, this child is not afraid of failure and is willing to try.

A child who has never been fully accepted will only accept his good side and not his bad side. What will such a child look like?

Not daring to take risks, not daring to try. Mainly because they only accept their successes and do not accept their possible failures.

Pick on others and easily see the flaws of others.

Pursuing perfection. When successful, happy for a short time; when unsuccessful, emotionally depressed for a long time.

2. Children who do not get enough attention emotionally have a low sense of self-worth.

Since childhood, your happiness and sorrow have no one to "empathize" with, no one to be happy with you, accompany your sadness, and reasonable release of your anger, in the spirit, you are lonely. So you will think that you do not have much value - emotions are not heeded, of course, no value!

Why is that? Little do not know that it is the fault of adults, you will only think that you are not good enough. So the idea is formed in the subconscious: "I am not good enough, I am not worthy of attention, I am worthless".

What kind of performance does the subconscious mind of not being good enough make us have?

In public, afraid to speak up, afraid to express our opinions, unable to show ourselves to the fullest, and fearful of making a fool of ourselves.

Very passive in interpersonal interactions. Rarely take the initiative and greet others loudly, (what if people ignore me?) We will observe first, if people smile at me, I will smile in response; if they ignore me, I will ignore them too!

When doing something, there are many doubts. I don't dare to put my heart into it, I don't dare to show my anger, and I wonder, "Will people accept this? Is this a good idea?" So, deliberately look expressionless, look very careless look, look like I simply do not put you, put you guys in mind. Even, appear to be indifferent and cool. The inner waves are undulating, fragile, and easily hurt.