When We Met

When we first met it, all seemed like roses and daisies. Then the lies started to come to light. However, by then I was to far into it. Why not leave they will ask. Its much easier said than done. It is not just financial but as a person who does not connect easily to people after a connection does get made un-connecting it is hard to do. All the what ifs flood in due to the anxiety you cannot seem to get under control. All the people you think will also be hurt when you leave.

I have had to start over 3 times. I was married for 7 years, many were not happy years, but one day I finally had enough and realized walking away was the only option in order to live. I spent months depressed, ashamed, and feeling absolute tormented by my choice to walk away when I knew someone needed me. However, he was not going to accept my help and I truly believed one day he would hurt me possibly even kill me not even truly meaning to. I took my kids; I boarded a plan and I never looked back. I left with nothing but my clothes, I fought for nothing. That is right he did not bother fighting to get custody of our children.

The next do over was after 5 years, yes, this man left my life in better standing, but he ultimately cheated and left me for another woman who he did marry but also cheats on. I left with nothing again, no car, no furniture, and no home. Just my kids, and this time I was pregnant. He does not see her; he doesn’t even ask to. I still talk to his mom from time to time. Even his sister. I did not just lose him I lost a whole family of people I had grown rather close and fond of.

Now here I sit again faced with the chose to leave, fight, or sit and take it. I will have to start all over for the most part except this time the car is at least in my name! Does not mean he will not touch it though. He has threatened to take my battery and slash my tires if I tried to leave. I will find the strength and pathway here soon but again I will have to give up his mother as well. She is extremely good to me and my kids. She absolutely loves her grandson. Yep, we have a child together. Which only faces another issue forcing me to leave because my son can not grow up and think this behavior is okay. I can not have him treating another woman this way. Her son is cruel and vindictive, he will break his mothers’ heart if I leave and she tries to have anything to do with my son. Not to mention I am quite positive if I leave, I will have to flee far and never let him find me. No, I do not fear for my life, but he will make life hell, no doubt. And here we are mid-pandemic with so many other struggles going on that right now its easier to just stuff down the anger, pain, and sorrow to go on another day and try to survive. I try to forget the promises he made as clearly they were just lies, hope has yet to allow it.

I wish I could have given you and uplifting story, a beautiful story of lifelong love, but I have yet to find that love for myself so I can stop seeking for it in all the so obviously wrong places.