When Jokes Go Too Far, How Should You Respond?

The Oscars 2022 was… eventful, to say the least. This year was a year of firsts.

We had Ariana Debose winning an Oscar for Best Supporting Actress, becoming the first openly queer woman of colour to receive the prestigious award. In addition to this, Troy Kotsur became the first deaf man to win the Oscar for Best Supporting Actor. The 20-year-old superstar Billie Eilish also managed to grab her first Academy Award for Best Original Song.

Will Smith received his first Oscar for Best Actor coming in the wake of 36 years in the entertainment industry. Promptly before this, Chris Rock joined the party by becoming the first host of the Oscars to receive a staggering slap live on air. It’s a good thing they didn’t bring Ricky Gervais back this year.

Say what you want about the Oscars but it was certainly a night to remember.

Jokes aside, I won’t bore you with the details regarding the encounter, assuming you have already been bombarded with media surrounding the event. Instead, I wanted to delve into the current social climate around “jokes” and our expected reaction to them.

I want to start by saying I am in no way in support of resorting to physical violence as a result of things that have been said to you verbally. You’ve heard it time and time again, but violence was never, and will never be the answer. Anger and violence breed far more destruction than they cause them.

“How much more grievous are the consequences of anger than the causes of it”- Marcus Aurelius.

It does not matter who you are, where you are from or what you look like, jokes at your expense are inevitable. We have all been there. Whether you are around family, close friends or even acquaintances, you have most likely been subject to a fair bit of teasing.

Most of these jokes are said in good fun and are relatively harmless, but what about the jokes that slip through the cracks and hurt you to the core? Jokes that strike a nerve, reminding you of a darker time in your life. The ones that bring your insecurities to the surface.

How are we supposed to react? If you react emotionally then, “You’re too sensitive”, or, “Can’t take a joke”. React passively and there is a chance that your passivity could be mistaken for agreeableness, allowing for an influx of more deprecating jokes. If you return the favour, it is likely your rebuttal could be an attempt to try and hurt the other person just as they have hurt you, potentially resulting in an exchange of hurtful attacks.

In our society, nobody wants to be seen as overly sensitive. Nobody wants to feel as if they have to walk on eggshells when they’re around you. As a result, there is an expectation to respond tamely to jokes that may cut deep.

Don’t get me wrong, I like to joke around and I don’t mind when people joke about me, but I feel everyone has to establish a line. While you may be more apprehensive about commenting about someone else, others may not grant you that same luxury.

So, how do we go about setting boundaries with our peers? The most important step in doing so is understanding that there is a time and place for everything. Addressing someone as soon as they have said something hurtful could do more harm than good, as your emotion can cloud your judgment.

If what was said bothered you, take a day or two out and reflect on it. If you still feel the same way about what was said then have a conversation with the person and address what made you upset. Communication is key. While it may have hurt, try to bear their intention in mind. Did they intend to embarrass or annoy you, or was it a joke that missed the mark?

Nobody can read your mind, you can’t expect anybody to know what sets you off or what your boundaries are if you don’t communicate them to them. If you have an issue with what was said it is up to you to let it be known. It’s an awkward and uncomfortable conversation to have but an important one nevertheless.

Even if they don’t see how they were hurtful and they disagree with you, it is unlikely that they will continue to poke at something they know you have a problem with. If they do then you may need to re-evaluate that relationship.

The incident at the Oscars made me think of two things. It made me wonder if the line between making jokes and being disrespectful is becoming blurred. It also made me think about our ability to control emotions and the drastic consequences of acting purely out of anger.

I have an issue with people believing it is okay to say whatever and then hiding behind the excuse of, “Oh, it’s just a joke”. I also have an issue with believing it is justifiable to physically attack someone because of it. Emotional or not, violence and anger solve absolutely nothing. There’s not one thing in the history of mankind that has been improved as a result of someone being angry.

Will Smith just won his first Oscar in 36 years, a monumental accomplishment in his professional career. What was supposed to be one of the greatest nights of his life will forever be overshadowed by this incident.

Don’t make the same mistake Will did. Be patient and pick your moment. While some jokes may sting, there is a 90% chance it was not said with the purpose of hurting you. A simple conversation can go a long way and prevent similar situations from happening in the future.

“Everything we hear is an opinion, not a fact. Everything we see is a perspective, not the truth”

-Marcus Aurelius