WHEN I STARTED TO FEEL THIS WAY

I don’t know when I start to feel this way.

Nothing majorly traumatic happened in my life.

r

The most PTSDing event was when I choked in my junior year of track.

The following senior year I hated sports.

But wouldn’t go to parties I was invited to in fear of getting

Caught and suspended from sports.

I remember finishing the movie

“Seeking a Friend for the End of the World”

Crying my eyes out and having to call up the closest thing I had to a friend to tell

Someone that I hate my life, but clarifying that

I'm not suicidal. She never really followed up with that phone call after that night.

I could have started to feel the way I do in an earlier event could have been the first girl I had a strong crush for and who showed mutual feelings for me end of my freshman year of high school.

Starting to feel the way do when she stopped talking to me and posted a photo of her boyfriend.

My mentality after that was don’t bother with girls and just focus on sports. Girls and parties can wait until after the next 3 years of sports.

In 8th grade after the 1st girl I “dated" broke up with me

(This is also the girl I call 4 years later to tell I'm not suicidal)

After that break up I wanted to rewind my whole Junior high years

Rewind time so I could be more social and hang out with people more.

That reminds me of when I first left for college.

I made efforts to be more social until one of my friends ratted on me and my roommates

And got us kicked out of student housing.

Then all of the roommates stopped socializing along with the girls' apartment we hung out with. Well, all but one of the girls stopped talking to me. I considered her a friend until

She just stopped talking for what seemed like no reason.

A Roommate of hers told me she thought I was interested in her romantically.

Maybe I started to feel this way in the 6th grade

When I’d laugh endlessly

At anything.

Obviously, that would be annoying to other people

Some people thought I was on drugs.

My sister even confronted me on it even though it wasn’t like I was

Hanging out with anyone

And was home most of the time in the living room playing on my Nintendo DS where she could see me.

It didn’t help that at one point I put a pot leaf

As my Facebook profile picture briefly. I didn’t even know anything about weed then.

An earlier event that caused me to start feeling this way could have been in the 5th grade

When I felt ashamed for still playing with the action figures and legos and whatever other toys I had still overflowed in my closet.

When I stopped going into my closet and started sports.

Maybe in general being the youngest in my family,

Being the only son.

Having a loud annoying voice as a toddler and being told to shush

When what I was talking about was some childish thing that didn’t matter was

The start of when I started to feel this way.

Who knows? I look into the mirror.

Questioning who I am. And why do I feel this way?

Each year feels worse than the last. The depression is imprinting itself deeper into my body more and more.

How can I make it stop?

Nothing safe or healthy really comes to mind.