SELF-DIAGNOSIS

Patient: What’s up Doc? Can you tell me what's wrong with me? Why do I feel this way? Why doesn’t it stop?

Therapist: Q.

Patient: Self loathing you say. I could of diagnosed that. I’m constantly bitching about my own problems. Hating myself. Paranoid everyones trying to take advantage of me. Especially my friends. Nobody loves me. I barely exist.

Therapist: Q.

I think about all this stuff throughout the whole day. I think it even keeps going as I sleep. At times it can be hard to sleep but most times I fall asleep fine. Body typically hurts in the morning, but I sleep. Seems to be because the thoughts have found a way to keep going as I sleep.

Q.

It just seems like they keep going. As soon as I become alert in the morning it feels like the thoughts are already in the depth of the subjects it likes to focus on.

Q.

This morning… The first thing that came to my head was why did my friend ask me, “why I want people to read my writing?” I don't get why she asked the question. It feels like she is passively aggressively telling me I shouldn’t be handing out my half assed writing.

Q.

I want to build an audience to my writing.

Q.

I think she asked because she doesn’t like how I put out personal things that she feels don’t need to be shared with the world.

Q.

Well, the last pieces she read of mine was about how I felt like a piece of shit after hooking up with 2 girls when I recently told this other girl I had feelings for her. The girl I’m into is actually a friend to the friend we are talking about. I think the friend thinks I should have kept the writing between the girl I’m into and myself. And that she doesn’t like that I'm sharing writing that is self-degrading.

Q.

Oh, I called myself a piece of shit at least 2 dozen times or more throughout ten pages of writing.

Q.

I don’t like keeping these thoughts to myself. Like they are constantly going on. Eating my brains. Like right now I'm constantly still worried that the girl I’m into is going to change her mind as to how she feels about me hooking up with these two girls. She didn’t seem mad. I couldn’t really tell how she felt. Understanding was the way she came off. which I honestly believe she did, but is that all she felt. And this was how she took it as being fresh information. What about after it soaks in? Then how is she going to feel? The worse feeling is that either way now she has a clear example of why not to trust me when she was already expressing how she has a hard time trusting people.

Q.

Yeah, I’m sure it does make them feel bad. When I constantly analyze them like this. And I feel bad. Shit I feel like I'm pestering the girl I’m into with this stuff. Then my friend doesn’t mean anything wrong. Theres nothing wrong with either of them it’s just me being a paranoid ass hole.

Q.

I constantly think like this.

Q.

Even at work. Probably worse at work.

Q.

No, I don’t really talk to any of my coworkers. Don’t know what to talk with anyone about.

Q.

The work I do at the factory is mindless. Muscle memory. It’s easy to go into autopilot and just think about this stuff for the 9 hours that I'm in that shit hole.

Q.

Is it bad? Some of my most life changing realizations have came from constantly thinking about it.

Q.

Not really. Yeah, it’s exhausting and currently the thoughts feel like they are trying to smother me to suicide, but it’s like my one thing that’s always there. And also if I stop constantly thinking where is my fuel for writing going to come from.

Q.

Is it a good thing that it’d let more people into my life? It’d let the bad people that contributed to me overthinking everything especially my relationships with people.

Q.

Not everyone that’s come and gone into my life are bad people. Most aren’t, but it always feels like they leave with a chunk of me.

Q.

Of course it has gotten harder to let other people in my life. It’s hard to trust people when I see the same patterns as the ones who came in my life before them.

Q.

I’m worse than most of these people.

Q.

I don’t know. I just am this way.

Q.

How would you know if Im a good or bad person? You just met me.

Q.

This is dumb. How can I trust what you are saying?

Q.

You think my constant thinking is the source of my problem. That’s all I got in my life.

Q.

What do you even know. Has your life ever existed outside of a classroom or office.

Q.

Oolala, A big word. Neurosis.

Q.

Just because you know a big word doesn’t mean you know who I am or what going on in my head. I can see it on your face. You haven’t related to anything I’ve said. You’v just been sitting there and nodding your head at the right moments. Analyzing me. I already do that to myself enough. Why should I start paying you $140 an hour for something I already do to myself? Huh Doc?

Q.

You don’t know how to help anyone? Your just like a prostitute. Only reason why your here is because I'm paying you. Sitting there listening to my problems like a friend or family member would, but I'm paying for it.

Q.

Like I didn’t already know that myself. By the way doc, I saw the Halloween photo in the waiting room. Really dressing up as bugs bunny. How many doctors do you think have dressed up as him?

Q.

Nope. I’m outta here. Give this place a big old two hand wave with the middle fingers held up high. Peace out mother fucker!