What Should You Do When You And Your Partner Have Competing Goals?

What Should You Do When You And Your Partner Have Competing Goals? Just because you are a couple does not mean you’re on the same page! I remember how much I wanted to get established first and have a down payment for a home before starting a family.

My husband was eight years older, and he wanted to start a family sooner. He wanted me to be the full-time stay-at-home mom, supporting his career goals, although I was the higher income earner.

What should you and your partner do if you have competing goals and priorities?

Conflicting Values And Priorities

This story highlights two things — how different our values and priorities were. Although we had discussed them before marriage, we were too in love to recognize some irreconcilable differences.

A marriage brings together two individuals with different goals, backgrounds, and expectations. Some of these differences are easy to bridge, and some are more challenging. These differences are amplified when it comes to raising your children and how you manage your money.

As a financial advisor, I believe your money should be managed according to your values. But the truth is, many people are not aware of what they value.

Yes, we all value safety, security, love, and respect. But we don’t all place them on the same level of importance. So, what are your top 5 core values? When my daughters were young, safety and security were among my maximum five values. Now that they are adults, adventure and freedom dominate.

Once you know what your values are, it makes it that much easier to manage your finances. I can say “no’ to some things, so I can say ‘yes’ to what aligns with what I value.

What happens, however, when your values and priorities are not aligned with those of your partner? One of you may be great at saving money, and the other may be someone who uses credit freely. Your money personality types could be on the opposite ends of the spectrum.

And, what happens if you both have conflicting priorities? He wants to complete his Ph.D., and your biological clock is screaming at you to start a family? Or he wants to retire abroad, and you don’t?

How do you compromise?

How can you support each other without compromising your needs? Some compromises have limits. Your partner may want to start a family, and you may want to take a sabbatical to complete your Ph.D. Both these goals require buy-in from your partner.

Here are some ideas:

Communication.

Communicate openly what is most important to you. This can only be done once you are crystal clear about your value. Listen to the heart of your partner and what matters to them.

Share what you both want as individuals, as a couple, and as a family (if you have kids).

Make a list of your goals.

Make a list of your goals as individuals and as a couple. These do not necessarily have to be financial goals. They must be your goals, not someone else's. My friend's mother-in-law wanted her to have kids soon, but neither she nor her husband had it as a top priority.

Add a timeline for each goal.

A goal is nothing more than a wish if it fails to have the desired date. List your goals according to 3, 5, and 10-year goals.

Create a financial plan.

If you are serious about achieving your goals, you must have a plan of how you'd like to achieve them. How much can you afford to put aside each month to meet each other’s goals?

Create a budget and stick to it. Take a close look at your current revenue and expenses. What areas can you reduce your costs and channel that to a savings account earmarked for your goals? Maybe you can cut out subscriptions? Reduce the number of times you eat out each week.

How can you increase your income? Ask for a raise? Start a side hustle?

Look for ways to compromise.

Your spouse wants to retire abroad, and you want to stay put so you can be part of your grandchildren’s lives. How about living abroad for half the year?

Prioritize

Once you’ve made a list of your desires, prioritize them. Be clear about what is merely a wish and what is a compelling goal. Aim to achieve the most important goals.

Bringing it all together

Decide how important your relationship is to you. Relationships are about negotiating needs. It can be challenging but also rewarding. If maintaining a healthy relationship is what you need, then open and honest communication is a great place to start.

Suppressing our needs and goals can breed resentment. You don’t have to sacrifice your relationship to achieve your goals, and neither do you have to sacrifice your dreams for your relationship. Negotiate your needs.

What are you willing to do to achieve your goals while maintaining a close dynamic relationship with your partner? Making these decisions as a couple will bring you closer to each other and your goals.