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What's the big deal about Black male/White female couples?

My personal experience with the issue

By Steven AllenPublished 2 years ago 6 min read
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Retrieved from https://www.huffpost.com/entry/dear-white-people_b_5924adbae4b0dfb1ca3a0f4b

I don't have dark skin, but I have a very large Afro (not kidding, it’s actually pretty big). So my hair type is different from the White woman I’m currently dating.

I’ve dated a lot of Black women in the past and White women as well. In my experience , things are not much better or worse, although there have been a few exceptions.

I also notice that the White female’s appearance plays a role on the level of acceptance. I’ve dated a few women that had platinum blonde hair, blue eyes, and pale skin much lighter than my own. In these situations, I notice that people look at us more with questioning eyes because it’s not something they are used to seeing. Of course, they could just be looking at my date haha and not “us”. If the White woman has dark brown hair or black hair, brown eyes, it doesn’t seem to matter as much. There are FAR fewer stares and looks. I think people perceive you to “belong” together if you have more colors in common..

I will admit this, though — when I first begin to date someone that is White, I am a little concerned about what her family will think of me. I’m also a tiny bit concerned about my safety. I remember one time, I was dating this blonde-haired, green-eyed woman that invited me to her house and when I got there (day time) there were all of these people outside because it was a Saturday I guess. Anyway, I get out of the car, and she greets me and begins to kiss me in front of everyone. I felt like everyone was staring at us or something. I wonder what was going through their minds. It may be that they didn’t think much of it, but it sure felt like they were looking at us. Would they have been looking if we were both White, I wonder. I don’t know. Also, I had just seen the movie Get OUT when I went to the house. What will her family think? Are they truly safe? I’m not familiar with this neighborhood, either. I’d be less concerned initially if they were Black. For the record, they turned out to be just fine, obviously.

I have a very cute White friend that invited me to her home to meet her family some years ago. Everyone was very nice to me, but after we left to spend time alone, she told me that her grandmother had told her never to have sex with me. I should mention that everyone in this small town was White. I felt like I was the only person of color there. I was only visiting. Would her grandmother have said this if I were White. In this case … I do not think so.

Another time, I was dating a woman who’s ex-boyfriend managed to obtain my email address somehow. He sent me some nasty emails calling me a nigger and criticizing my treatment of her even though I had been nothing but nice to the woman and even her parents and brother really liked me. I’ve never gone through this when dating Black or White Hispanic women.

Asian women, in my experience, are some of the most overtly racist women that I’ve encountered, actually; not White women. If you’re an Asian female, and the shoe doesn’t fit you, please understand that I am not talking about you and I hope your next relationship goes well regardless of whether the man is Black. However, I must say that my experience with Asian females has been exceptionally poor in general; much worse than my experience with White females.

I have had a few White females tell me that one of the parents does not condone interracial relationships. You’d think it would usually be the father, right? There doesn’t seem to be a clear pattern in my experience. Sometimes, the father is cool, and it’s the mom that’s the staunch racist. I had one beautiful redheaded woman even tell me explicitly that her mother told her dating a Black man is bad for her reputation.

You also have to deal with some people that think you’re only with a White female BECAUSE she’s white. The suggestion is that you perceive Black women to be inferior. I cannot speak for other Black men, but in my case, this is simply not true. I LOVE Black females. In fact, there was a time when I only dated Black female, and I still do whenever they say “yes”. As a Black man, you can date 5 women, and if just one of those women is White, you will receive some insinuation that you’re some kind of “uncle tom” or “house nigger”. In this day and age, it’s not nearly as bad as it would’ve been 20 years ago or more, but this suggestion is still there. Nasty looks from Black women do occur, but are rare. If it does happen, and the Black women verbally criticizes me, which has happened more than once, I simply point out that I met the woman I’m dating through school, work, or even the Internet. There were Black women, sure, but far fewer of them and not all the Black women that I asked out said “yes”. I’m dating someone that did say “yes” and she happens to be White.

On the other hand …

Some women and their parents completely embrace such relationships and even encourage them. I’ve met a few White females that ONLY date Black men because they love Black culture, music, and … the hair. There seems to be this fascination with Black hair that some White people have. I think it just feels different from what they're used to. I’ve had a few women even tell me, “I love the fact that you’re Black.” I think it represents something different for some White women, or perhaps it’s a way to rebel against what they consider to be traditional.

I am forced to ask this question too — is she dating me because I’m black or in spite of it? It can be confusing. Do you really want a girlfriend that is so obsessed with Black culture that she’ll date any man (within reason) that is Black because she’s trying to piss her parents off??? This goes through my mind as well.

Further, are you only being used as a sex toy of some kind? Is this White female only using you as a temporary distraction, with no real intention of ever seriously considering you as an option for a longer term connection? To be fair, some Black people perceive the relationship this way as well, but I'm not in that category, I assure you. Still, it’s a question that gets asked more often than if I were to date a Black female.

Black culture is different from White culture, but it doesn’t need to conflict. Most of my relationships with White females have been very positive. Despite this, I’ve had to also deal with my own family members, which brings me to my final point. The women in my family, all of whom are Black, do not condone such relationships in general. Sure, there are exceptions, but in their “world” it generally isn’t something that’s done. They do not date White men, and it’s generally frowned upon if a man in the family dates a White female. It bothers me to type this, actually, but it’s the truth. It’s always healthy to think about these issues rather than keep them hidden.

I’ve faced a lot of criticism from my own mother and my sister as well. I think that some Black women fail to recognize White women as individuals FIRST, which is a mistake that some White people make when dealing with Black people. They don’t see Chloe, they see “the White girl that’s dating my son or brother” On the surface, they will smile and act supportive, but behind closed doors, they will whisper their criticism to each other and in some cases, express their disapproval to me. I think perhaps this is the most difficult part of interracial dating — there will always be at least some family members that do not approve. As a Black man, are you going to date based on what your family will approve of during the few times that all of you are together OR are you going to date without regards to color and demonstrate that you possess the tolerance that you accuse the overtly racist of lacking? Your choice …

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About the Creator

Steven Allen

Steven Allen hold's a bachelor's degree in Biology with a minor in Astrophysics from Florida International University. He also holds a Master's Degree in Public Health with a specialty in epidemiology.

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