What's Not Your Type - Chapter 1

Not talking about the physical aspect here. More like personality. Someone who is nice but a total ass! Sounds like a conundrum right? But these types do exist out there and can really confuse a tender maiden’s heart.

A nice ass belongs to the more mature crowd who have had some practice and are concerned about their own life plans. I mean this guy will look like a solid A with a stable job, good lifestyle, cute smile and charming manners. But he will keep the personal information to a bare minimum putting the pressure on the interested party to keep the conversation stimulating. This has led to so many over shares in the past for me where I ended up feeling “why do I even have a degree?”....It is a very subtle game of hooking the fish and yes, you are the fish. Once hooked you are taken out of water and that is really unpleasant (using basic fish facts here). No coherent thoughts, just a ball of feelings and stomach churning. Kill me!

If I had to put this type in an age bracket, I would say around 30-33ish. Men will always be young and I feel post 30 the tendency to hang onto the no strings attached lifestyle becomes stronger especially for talented individuals with good looks (God made us equal, bullshit!). It is surprising how the dry yet charming conversation can make one feel inadequate. I love sharing photos of my surroundings (food, coffee, scenery, dead bugs, anything) and talking about my day to see what sort of chemistry I have with the person. Meanwhile, he just responds hours later with some sort of comment on it and some inconsequential detail about his day. That’s it! No more, no less. That my friends (looks up slowly), is a big red flag.

What it boils down to is that he has other plans and you can tag along for the ride. He will be a gentleman and you have to appeal to his better senses. There will be occasional compliments to make you feel wanted yet a quick step back to let you know you’re on your own in case you want anything serious. Ah the nuances of this type are delicious to type now that I have experienced it first hand. Such a rush (and typos)!

I will now quickly give a brief description of my encounter with this type of human form in the wild.

Act 1 Scene 1….cut!

It started with a dating app (feel free to use the app name here you’ve had most bad experiences with here. Would make it more personalised methinks). He liked my photo and I responded with a witty remark. Sparks flew. He complimented me on my looks (tell me something new but boy was he cute and a doctor to boot. Check and CHECK! In my mental list of potential partners). Honestly, I had not been excited about a date in two years. Or had a good one. I went to bed with all the scenarios you can think of. My best friend had screenshots from all the conversations we had and I was just ecstatic yet sceptical (due to past experiences) that a dating app worked. He was busy ofcourse the rest of the week but he left a text here and there like a nudge and it fitted nicely with my routine (work from home really makes me over work now I think about it). I wanted him to disclose more but didn’t want to seem overbearing. It was starting. The rush of blood to cheeks with every nice comment, checking my phone for notifications (cursing if it was from a friend) and just living with my own guarded feelings. Then one night out of nowhere he says “uhhhh wanna hangout sometime?”.....I do! In my defence, I did not expect him to ask me out at all judging by how sparse the conversation had gotten over the week but then he did ask, even though it was a very poor choice of words, I jumped. I had another date where the guy suggested all my favourite things to do and asked me when/where. That’s the kind of service I am looking for! Yet we decided on a day and I just had to nail the outfit.

Now this guy is barely an inch taller than me so I did not want to wear any of my high heels or platforms (I don’t know why I am the way I am). I had no flats for some reason so next up shopping! And where do I go? To Nordstrom because I ain’t broke yet. As I was looking around my eyes fell on the perfect pair of flats with a dainty pearl band across the ankle (sounds like something out of a Georgette Heyer novel). A salesperson saw me and made the smoothest comment “Those just came in and I’d love to see how they look on you”. I think I melted a bit. I tried them on like Cinderella and they fit. Let’s talk facts now. Jimmy Choos = $745.00

I told the salesperson I have a date with a cute boy and gave him all the logistics behind my intended purchase. I think he felt sorry for me because he said I would buy these if you are going to wear them beyond one time. That stung but I let it pass. Texted my bestie and she said $745 is a month’s rent. I was still not convinced so I said I will think about it while I look around (a trick I learned from dad when he did not want to buy something). But I found some amazing skin care products instead (face is face. If I get pimples, I can’t cover it with pearls. I mean will the guy even look at my feet?) I guess only when I am wearing socks with slip ons is when everybody looks at my feet. I went through the entire mall and settled for a $250 pair of flats instead. There were no ballerina flats anywhere in the mall! The audacity! Only crocs in every color of the rainbow. Really? I would need some practical shoes once offices open so I decided to get Jimmy’s cheap cousin Tory instead. Same salesperson sold me the shoes and his parting words were “hope you have a good time”. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that he hasn’t even texted when or where. I did all this on the pretext of the word “hangout”. If you are wondering, yes the skincare section salesperson knew as well that I had a date.

I got home pretty late. It was Friday evening around 8pm and we had decided on a Saturday. 9 pm came and went….finally I sent him a random pigeon photo (didn’t want to seem desperate). He replied right away with a funny remark and an ummm hi. In my head it sounded like Ross from Friends hi. We talked a bit because he had been on a 36 hour shift but had already worked out and was home but had not mentioned anything about the impending hangout. I felt drained at this point (bestie was getting real time alerts from me and just shaking her head at how unacceptable this all was). I was all out of juice and said goodnight and then he said he had something to tell me. Heart rate increased, a Disney princess song started playing (preferably snow white) and I acted all cool ofcourse. Here’s the exact text:

So in anticipation of our date I have to come clean. I’m moving this summer (insert laughing emoji with tears) just landed my dream job and I’m honestly peacing out. Wanted to come clean before we go out.

How does this feel? How am I supposed to feel? Is there a drug I can take to eradicate stupidity? Moderna? Pfizer? Hello? Corona is in the bag please do something about resetting human emotions once they get messed around with. I responded with a “Congratulations” and that I had just moved to the city so just going out would be fun. Take that you nice ass!

Bestie was giving me the “I told you so” look but it was actually I who predicted that the nice ass here was someone just looking for casual hookups on the dating app. I had ignored my own gut and swapped my intelligence with horseshit from the world of romance. Still thankful I did not blow money on shoes for a guy that was barely taller than me. And that I was responding in an unhurt manner. I have come a long way I guess. Oh but I do want to break his “cute under right lighting” face. He turned up the flirting after my response. No logic could help me understand this turn of events.

We did not have a set date plan until the next day and that too got postponed till Sunday because he did not want to break his study streak. I was in a foul mood so I thought it best to postpone as well. I really wanted to block him from everywhere and act like it never happened but I did want to see him in person and reject him to feel the sadistic satisfaction that we crave sometimes. So what are the key takeaways from this scenario?

• Don’t buy expensive shoes
• You are beautiful (with the correct diet and skincare routine/products)
• People will lead you on so stay alert (a little skepticism goes a long way)
• We accept the love we think we deserve (stolen from Perks of being a wallflower)
• If he’s not into you from the get go, he will never be and it is not your job to make him feel otherwise
• Keep a nice ass at bay

The day you believe that you deserve someone who is equal or better than you, you will stop settling. I know it is easier said than done but if you are older you know you need to listen to that gut instinct (and have the right friends ready for advice). I am sure this nice ass I met was a lonely person and afraid to change his pace for anyone but things would have been much simpler if he had come clean about his plans right in the beginning. Because the thing is, we cannot control who strikes our fancy. It is a complex chemical reaction that factors in so many things beyond the physical and behavioural that breaking it down into specific components would take forever. And then I will be just too old to care. If you are younger and think I am the dumbest person around, give it time. But I do hope you get out of a nice ass situation unscathed and with your head held high. XOXO