What is Self-Love and How Do I Start?

You’d be forgiven for thinking that self-love is not much other than a social media trend which encourages bubble baths, scented candles, a good night’s sleep, and taking your vitamins. But self-love is so much more than that. Yes, taking the occasional bubble bath does feel nice and can be an act of kindness towards yourself, but it is just a surface level commitment to something so much bigger.

What is Self-Love?

There are two sides to any coin; depending on which side you look at will dictate what you see. The same applies to the concept of self-love. Within psychology research, self-love can be viewed either as a facet of narcissism or as a component of self-compassion. The two views are not separate entities and there is some crossover.

Is Self-Love Narcissistic?

It is true that self-love can be viewed as malignant when appreciation and respect for yourself develops into an air of superiority. A “grandiose sense of self-importance” is a defining characteristic of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). However, it is not merely a case of “too many bubble baths make a narcissist”, more that people with NPD may exhibit a more malevolent form of self-love.

Whilst I recognise the relationship between self-love and narcissism, personally, I prefer to adopt the view that (for the most part) self-love is a nurturing relationship with yourself and a dedication to prioritizing your own needs.

How To Practice Self-Love and Care?

True self-love requires a daily practice of acceptance of yourself and gratitude for all that you are. If this sounds like a task that is too difficult to accomplish right now, that’s ok! You simply need to break it down into more manageable sized chunks.

Like anything, the first step to adopting self-love can be the hardest. At first, it might feel alien to you to start listing the parts of yourself you appreciate. It may be too difficult to recognise the positive if you’re stuck in a cycle of negativity. For this reason, it’s important not to set unrealistic expectations. Don’t expect to transform into a fountain of gratitude overnight. Small steps lead to big changes.

5 Easy Self-Love Habits

1. Gratitude
2. Set boundaries
3. Ditch the negative self-talk
4. Make time for yourself
5. Prioritise sleep

Here are 5 easy self-love habits which you can start today. Choose one or two from the list and focus on them for a couple of weeks. After two weeks, take time to reflect on how each one made you feel and whether you feel like it is a habit worth pursuing. Self-love isn’t a one-size-fits-all approach, and what makes one person feel great may not work for you. It’s a journey and a process of exploration to find what in this world truly makes you appreciate yourself.

Gratitude

Once you start practicing gratitude and make it a part of your daily routine, there is no going back. The list of what you will begin to be grateful for will be endless. Autumn leaves crunching on the ground, birdsong in the morning, a free coffee on your morning commute.

Showing gratitude for the wider world can do wonders for your mental health. Increased positivity, higher levels of happiness, and a more optimistic outlook on life are a few of the perceived benefits of showing gratitude, keeping a gratitude will remind you to always be grateful, to always find the light in the dark.

Set Boundaries

“Creating and upholding strong boundaries will teach others how to treat you, rid your life of drama and toxic relationships and allow you to love yourself and others in the best way you can.” — Michelle Elman

I am a recent boundary convert, there is no going back. After reading this book by Queen of Boundaries, The Joy of Being Selfish, I couldn’t not include boundaries in this self-love guide. Examples of setting a boundary include not replying to work emails out of hours, saying no to an invite when you don’t want to go, or leaving a conversation or situation which is toxic or harmful to you.

Although the act of setting boundaries might not seem like self-love, boundaries can protect us from the ill-treatment of others, they are a proactive method of protection. Boundaries are important for self-love because we cannot truly love ourselves if we allow others to treat us with disrespect.

Ditch the Negative Self-Talk

You might think that self-depreciating jokes are a good way of handling an insecurity or perceived flaw. Telling yourself that you’re “so bad at math” or that you’ll “never look good in a swimsuit” only reinforces negative views. Sometimes our inner dialogue can be toxic and harmful, but it doesn’t need to be this way.

Each time you catch your inner dialogue speaking negatively, try and rephrase the thought. Personally, I like adding the word ‘yet’. For example, instead of “I’m so bad at math” you can try “I’m not great at math yet”. This way, you’re showing that you’re optimistic about growth and improvement without criticizing yourself.

Another method of calming our harsh inner voice is to try and speak to yourself like you would a friend. Would you tell a friend that they don’t look good in a swimsuit? No, of course you wouldn’t. Try to show yourself the same kindness. Accept that you’re a living, breathing human, and with that comes uniqueness of all kinds. Self-love starts from the inside.

Make Time for Yourself

By making time for yourself, you’re acknowledging that me-time is just as important as being a parent/sibling/employee/mentor/etc. You can’t pour from an empty cup! Taking time out to do things that bring you joy allows you to grow as an individual so you can be the best version of yourself in all other situations.

Making time for yourself doesn’t have to mean spending hours out of the house on exciting day trips and lavish spa days. It’s easy to sneak in a few minutes of ‘me time’ every day until it becomes a habit. It can be as simple as reading a chapter of a self-development book before bed or making sure that you take a lunch break at work. Take care of yourself so that you are your best self to carry out your other responsibilities.

Prioritise Sleep

Sleep is often spoken about in most health and wellness guides. We spend 33% of our time sleeping and it can be the key to improving many aspects of our lives — it only makes sense to prioritise it.

Sleep is important for self-love because it allows us to perform as our best selves. Getting a good amount of sleep can boost our immune system, influence our mood, and improve our memory and attention. Self-love is about investing in yourself. Start by investing in a good sleeping routine so you can start each day right.

Summary

Self-love starts with small steps. Although it might seem overwhelming at first, break it down into bite-sized chunks and take each day one at a time. At first it might seem that practicing self-love is too difficult, but eventually, it will become a habit. Show yourself kindness and it will teach others how to treat you.