What is a Good Length of Time Between Relationships?

After my twenty-three year marriage ended, I was in a daze. Like most divorces, mine was traumatic.

Some days you are as high as a kite on the first flushes of freedom and the next, down in the depths of despair as yet another lawyer’s letter lands on your doormat.

Be prepared for the onslaught

The seemingly never-ending round of legalese letters, forms, and court appearances (if it gets that far) all take their toll. Trying to unravel twenty-three years of a combined life is never easy. The collateral damage is always the kids but they turn out to be tougher than any of us give them credit for.

Personal possessions have to be divvied up and the finest details of your personal life will be scrutinized microscopically as each partner goes into self-preservation mode. Nothing will escape the fine tooth-comb as it sweeps through your assets, including pensions, savings, shares, bonds, you name it, and every single dime you spend your money on. Your bank statements will no longer be personal.

The merry-go-round of trying to sift through and sort everything out can take its toll. Be prepared to go through the mill emotionally but keep strong and focused because it will end and a new phase of your life will begin.

You cannot put a price on peace of mind and once all the haggling and mediation is done, lawyers’ fees paid and lives re-set to ‘go’, it is time to move on.

When do you move on?

After my divorce, I set up home in rented accommodation and got on with my life. It was tough, I’m not going to lie. I had two jobs, one full-time five days a week and the other on evenings and at weekends. But I paid my bills and got through it. The family that I was once a part of got through it and we are all now on good terms with each other, even now, many years on.

So, what is a good length of time to have between relationships?

I was reeling so badly from my divorce, which was my first break-up, even though I was the one who left the relationship, that after a whole year, I didn’t feel like hooking up with anybody else.

It’s not that I was hanging on to my past — far from it. I was moving on with my life in my own way and was perfectly happy being a single lady in her late forties. I didn’t date anybody for fourteen months. It never bothered me. I didn’t need anybody. Looking back, I actively fought against it. I guess I just wanted to heal first. We are all unique and react differently in these situations. What works is whatever works for you.

A friend of mine who had also gone through a divorce after a very similar situation to mine called me up and we hung out together in the evenings, getting giggly on cheap wine, half-heartedly signing up to a dating site and not expecting it to produce any meaningful results.

I was ‘very picky’ according to her. If a guy couldn’t spell or had terrible grammar, I immediately dismissed him. She thought that was hilarious. She replied to anything that looked remotely like a possibility, regardless.

A great tip I learned along the way

I took my time and went out on a few coffee dates after reading an article by a serial dater, who recommended a meeting up for quick cup of coffee first, because arranging a full-blown date. That way, if you thought the prospective date was worth it, you could relax and enjoy the date having chatted over coffee first. Great advice!

One guy spent the whole hour that I wasted on him showing me photos on his phone of his ex-girlfriend. Boring and totally inappropriate. I escaped as quickly as I could making sure I didn’t give him my number.

The next couple of dates were pleasant enough but no stomach flip-flops going on for me, so we didn’t arrange to meet again.

Eventually, I met a guy who I dated and then wasted ten years of my life on, but that’s another story and one which I have written about in the hope of warning others against dating men like him, who I now know to be a passive-aggressive narcissist. He targeted me. Anyway, like I said, that's another story, which you can read about here.

After I extricated myself from that relationship, I was licking my wounds. I had been psychologically abused for a decade and was forced to house-share with a stranger. We became friends very quickly. You had better hold on tight for this next part.

Hold on to your hats!

It was six weeks later, after refusing to go anywhere but to work and back and the odd trip to the grocery store, that I was invited to a charity ball through work. My house-mate cajoled me into going and, in my late 50's, I felt like a complete teenager, unsure of myself and no longer the confident woman that I once was.

I met a guy that evening and we immediately hit it off. He was charming, interesting, kind and above all, he seemed genuine. I use the word ‘seemed’ because after spending one evening with somebody, it would have been foolish of me to have taken him at face value.

The next couple of weeks were an exhilarating roller coaster ride for us both. Still suffering from the effects of my toxic relationship, I was naturally cautious and wary. My new beau was also recently single after a 5-year relationship, having been divorced from a long-term marriage before that. However, he quickly introduced me to his three grown-up children and I introduced him to my daughter.

I could tell his kids had misgivings about me

Everybody got along really well and thought we were perfect for each other. But I could tell his kids had misgivings about me. It was all happening so fast. Who could blame them?

We got engaged shortly after meeting and we fixed our wedding for that summer.

Family and friends warned me about getting involved with somebody so soon and asked if I was doing the right thing? Deep down, I knew they were right to question what I was doing and I respected them for watching out for me. Because of my previous disastrous experience, I listened but then chose to ignore them and followed my gut instinct.

I wasn’t expecting what happened next to happen, but it did

My fiancé said he had spoken with his kids and they thought we were rushing things. After all, we had only met once or twice and here we were planning a marriage. I was new to them and they to me. Then he suggested we postpone the wedding. I was shocked.

I took a step back, thought things through, and after a frank discussion, we agreed that it was only fair to everybody if we slowed things down and put the brakes on. So we pushed the wedding back a whole year. Everybody heaved a huge sigh of relief.

Nothing changed between my new partner and me; we still both felt as strongly about each other as that first night when we first met. For the next few months, we did the long-distance dating thing which worked out okay, and then, as our relationship progressed, we knew that we didn’t want to be apart any longer so we set about deciding where to live.

Six months after our announcement to our shocked families, I moved in with him and, I am pleased to announce, the wedding went ahead as planned the following year and I now have three wonderful step-children and my daughter has three step-siblings (is that such a term?) Anyway, you know what I mean!

A happy ending

That all happened just over four years ago and our marriage goes from strength to strength. The charming, interesting, kind, and very genuine guy that I met on that amazing evening when Cinderella went to the ball, turned out to be my real-life Prince Charming and I have never looked back.

If I had taken offense at my husband’s children’s reaction and not cared about their concerns, I don’t think I would be here today in an incredibly happy marriage with all of them in my life. Things could have turned out very differently but their father and I were adult enough to listen and reacted accordingly, taking their feelings and concerns into account.

My gaps between break-ups were 14 months and 6 weeks

So, back to the question: what is a good length of time between relationships? Honestly, I don’t know. But what I do know from my own experience is that each relationship needs closure and one door should be closed before another one opens.

When you decide to open that door and walk through it, it is your choice and only you know whether that decision is right for you or not. Go with your gut feeling and listen to family and friends. They will always have your best interests at heart.

Whatever amount of time it takes, take it. Don’t rush things. Do what I did and continue the relationship but without taking it to the next level. Moving in together is a big step but marriage is a major leap. Be mindful of others, particularly if they are going to be a part of your new life.

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This article was first published on Medium, where you can find more of my work. Get a weekly update from me in my village in England by signing up to Rosy's Ramblings? I post every Saturday and it's free! Thank you for your support.