What Do You Mean When You Say "Limit"?

Most patients frequently tell me how they establish a barrier. I established a barrier, they say. I informed him that if he continues to put me down on a regular basis, I will create a limit. I informed her that she had to be on early from here on or I would impose a limit for her. He must stop criticizing me, I urged him.

This isn't a line that has to be crossed. It is not the purpose of a border to tell someone else what to do. It's about informing someone else what you'll do if they continue to treat you badly.

While most people find this difficult to believe, we have no influence over the actions of everyone else.

What we have control over is how we react to other people's actions.

Acknowledging your truth and acting on it is what a boundary is all about. Consider the following scenario:

• When you put me down in public, I am no longer willing to be with you. The next time you do that, I'll make it clear to everyone that I'm no longer content to be thrown aside by you. Then I'll depart and either drive or take a cab home.
• Because of your tardiness, I am no longer wish to be delayed at gatherings. I'll go without you the next time you're late. If you keep being late, I'm going to have to split up with you.
• Your repeated remarks irritate me greatly. When you're being critical, I'm going to tell you that it hurts and walk out of the room.
• After that, you must, of course, do the action you promised. If you don't do something, then what you've said is a lie rather than just the facts. You can't enforce a limit unless you're willing to follow through.

The tough part is figuring out what you're trying to accomplish. Your words and conduct are simply another kind of control if your objective is to dominate other people instead of making love and comfort of yourself.

If you want to take responsibility for yourself, your tone of voice should be calm and matter-of-fact, as if you're simply informing the other person of what you're going to do or are doing.

Your tone of speech will be furious, blaming, and accusatory, and your attitude will be harsh and closed if you want to dominate the other person.

We can't disguise our intentions; they'll show up in our attitude and voice tone at any time.

Regardless of how hard you attempt to hide your need to dominate, the other will start picking up on it and most likely respond with their own dominating behavior.

When your intention is to seek care and compassion for yourself rather than dominate the other, you're coming from a position of mental fortitude. Trying to dominate another person will leave you dissatisfied and impotent.

Taking meaningful activity from your own interest is the most difficult component of this. You must be willing to let go of the consequence of how the other person feels and behaves in addition to taking loving care of yourself.

You won't be able to conduct the loving action if you're focused on how the other person will react to your activities.

You will be unable to perform the loving action if your emphasis is on the other person, such as He will be upset and angry if I leave the party, or She will be unhappy with me if I depart without her, or He will feel abandoned and tell me I am avoiding conflict if I leave the room when he is critical.

You will only be able to act in your own best interests if you have compassion for yourself. Compassion for oneself indicates that you are completely willing to accept total accountability about your own emotions rather than relying on others to do so for you or attempting to manage the sentiments of others.

It suggests that you would rather have the other person furious with you than continue to be treated badly.

People tend to treat us in the same way that we treat ourselves. You are teaching people that it is acceptable to treat you harshly if you endure it.

You will discover that, in general, others will appreciate and treat you well if you take loving care of yourself in the face of others' rude actions.