What do you do when you let the tank reach empty?

One of my biggest tools in battling my anxiety is being able to recognise when the tank is nearly empty, and stopping to top up before that happens.

Sometimes, life just gets in the way and the opportunity to top up the tank gets missed.

The problem with letting the tank drain completely is that it means you've broken down. Once you hit this point, it's no longer about topping up. It's about finding something that lets you fill all the way up again. It's a sign that you've been treading water for way too long and you're done. You're tired. You're burnt out. You're bored. You're unmotivated. You're cranky. You're irritable... And most importantly, you don't have enough left for yourself, so you certainly don't have anymore to give.

This was fine before I was a parent. Or so I thought. In hindsight it was just as bad, only I didn't really comprehend the repercussions of what it would take to refuel the way I do now. Now that there is someone who requires me to be able to give, all day, every day. I just expected everyone in my life to recognise that I needed time and space and to give me that and I would re-emerge at some point and be back to my old self.

Sometimes it's just so hard to see the signs. That first day you just can't be bothered with the effort it takes to leave the house, and then you've stayed at home for the whole week. You skip a visit with the in-laws because you can't bring yourself to socialise and then you're ducking every invitation for human interaction that comes your way. You go from reading a few chapters of a good book in your spare time, to being obsessed with being lost in another world so you read until your eyes hurt for fear of facing reality again. Each time telling yourself you're just "topping up" without recognising you've already broken down.

This is new territory for me. My old way of dealing (or avoiding) isn't going to cut it anymore. So I need to find a new way to refuel that doesn't hurt the people that need me. It's about finding a way to balance both. Not giving so much of myself all the time that I break down and am unable to give anything to anyone.

Yesterday I made a point of organising for us to do something different. Something if I'm honest, really isn't my thing. We went in search of a rare flower. And we found it. I sat back in awe of the beauty surrounding me. The peace, the smells, the sounds... The look of absolute wonder on my little girl's face as she took in her brand new surroundings.

I sat and stared at this tiny little white and pink beauty. Aware that this may be the only time i'm ever afforded the privilege.

Realising for the first time, that maybe now, my escape needs to be into my reality and not running away from it. I wasn't alone, which is where I would normally go for my peace. But I still found some. The tank isn't full, but I may be on the way to figuring out the new way to keep myself from breaking down.