...was that you?

Fact: We are all weapons of mass destruction: We all carry the bomb and every time we eat or drink something there is a chance we will detonate that bomb. We don’t know when or where, we just know it’s going to happen and according to scientists, it happens 20-30 times a day. Start counting.

Curious…hmmm. Let’s talk. Have you ever asked that question “what the hell was that” when walking down a grocery store aisle, pharmacy aisle or just passing someone on the street that had let out the BIG ONE? Wheeeeww. We’ve all run into one or had one chasing us like the wind. Throughout fogged up minds we have the audacity to want to find the owner; to see what they looked like, how were they dressed, etc? Why? So we could give it back, Return to Sender. Please. What exactly did we have in mind? However, in cases where we couldn’t run from it and were involuntarily stuck with it as on an elevator, in an office meeting or on the church pew, we standoff with the others pretending that it wasn’t us when we really want to throw up. The funniest thing is getting people to believe it wasn’t you even when it might have been. The bottom line is you’re not telling and neither is anyone else. So everyone in the area gives that sour “you disgusting pig look” to the other, but no claims are made. Some manage to pretend they don’t smell a thing. Guilty.

Ding- Floor 13…STAMPEDE.

There are all types of little tablets, to take to prevent this problem, but again, it’s human nature. The body boils. Think about it, a dead body bloats. It becomes one big gas bubble and we all know or have a least heard that the smell of a dead body is something you will always remember. That’s what a fart is. A preview!

There are those of us who will blame it solely on foods. Nope. They aide the process but they don’t control it. You can eat meat or no meat, organic or processed and the fart will still form and it will seek an exit. This brings me to say, mouth farts are just as bad. It’s a fart that got whipped around in the wrong direction. Step back cause when it comes flying at you, you will move back far far away. The thing with this one is that it claims you and lets everyone know IT WAS YOU!

What people don’t realize is that the fart is territorial. If you have on a coat, it will hang around under that coat and keep warm for a while. It’s like a bad lover; you know the cling on type. No matter how much you try to brush them off they just want to stick to you. If you do it in your sleep, your partner will fall off the bed gagging or be transcended into a state of coma. Wherever, you are don’t try to stifle it, excusing yourself out the door would be the best solution. “Why?” There you go with that “Why” again, well, becauuuse IT HAS A VOICE and IT TALKS and if you tick it off it will have people talking about you. The minute you start trying to squeeze your butt cheeks together and your knees, it just pushes harder to get out. So when you’re in a meeting and someone seems totally distracted, leave them alone. If someone says they need to take a phone call, let them take it because you may be sorry later. If it happens in church, let the spirit soar, move around, holler, do the hallelujah dance. The object is to leave everyone guessing including yourself, because at 20-30 times a day, it may not be your fart you smell. For stores and other public places, get out of the area before you’ve been identified, but if you’re on the dance floor or at the game, let them set the beat. After all the more noise, the more freedom. When all else fails, stand near a trash can and point with a smile in its direction.

The body, well it is a Hazardous Waste Storage Facility, a true weapon of Mass Destruction.