...are you saying we stink

Yep. Women stink…so do some flowers if you’re feeling offended. If you don’t believe it, just turn on your TV or walk down the aisles in the hygiene department. Everybody is telling us they can make us fresher. There are pads, wipes, sprays, depositories, creams, powders, douches, salts, etc. …to help us stay “that just got out of the shower and air hasn’t touched me yet” fresh. During that “time of the month”, there are extra strength products and an array of other pu’se deodorants. Women go broke on the basic products and we haven’t even made it to the high chic perfume counters guaranteed to make you the most desirable yet. Still, it won’t matter, because as soon as we get somewhere, you know the drill, head to the restroom to go “freshen” up. Let’s face it; the funk of a woman is big money.

The truth is we know we stink. We just hate advertisers reminding us of it. During the time when we are not feeling our freshest, it is not necessarily due to our lack of hygiene. Our bodies are busy cooking up something every minute of the day not to mention, just about every things affects us: the weather, our emotions, soap and detergents, fabric, food, shaving and so forth. But all doesn’t matter when you sniff and want to believe that you’re the only that knows something is just not right but feel everyone near you is in on the secret. Pugh! So, what do you do: head to ladies room to freshen up? Seriously, what is the first thing most women do when they go out? You guessed it, head to the ladies room to freshen up. We just left the house, but in that little bit of time, something has seeped out. It doesn’t matter if we’re going somewhere public or to a friend’s home, we always map out the route to the bathroom.

Face it, out bodies of full of fluid and no matter what we do, it’s going to leak. For those of you who have been liberated and don’t wear panties, please send your dress to the cleaners and make sure you wipe any residue that seeped down into your panty hose, your jeans or on your dress. Next, stay off my furniture. I’m not running a nudist camp so I don’t give out sitting towels. Often for these women, they feel just wearing a tampon when they go out is a one stop for all.

Why is it that we buy so much underwear year after year? Staining. Yes, I said it. Staining. There isn’t a laundry detergent on the market that can fully remove those bodily stains or at least I haven’t found one. So men when you see that commercial of women throwing their underwear out the window, it’s not arrogance. Lucky for the guys, the stains they put in their underwear, can be washed out. Women spend hundreds a year on daily pads, period supplies, fresh wipes, body deodorants and so forth? Not to mention, that the hotter it gets, the worse it gets. There is a reason dresses were created for women. Our bodies need air to stop fermenting fluids. (Look at it this way, beer doesn’t smell that great either, but some people can’t do without it). But somehow men persuaded us that we look hot and sexy in tight jeans and skirts so tight that even skinny girls’ thighs rub together. Sure we do, until we get a yeast infection and the bread factory starts churning out dough by the hour. Then our men become a scratch stick, or we pull out the douche bottles, or stand spread eagled over a floor fan. If it gets too bad we use all of the above, whatever is available. Baths used to be great until some companies started putting too much perfume in the bath wash and then all hell broke loose. Stick to the shower, and if you have a removable sprayer, yippee it’s on. The hell with the water bill, just remember to pat yourself dry though.

In the old days, women were often called fishy smelling. This was normally around their period, but there were cases when it wasn’t. Not to fear because when you go to a gynecologist, he or she will tell you some odors are natural. Yep, we aren’t even talking diseases. (That’s a serious subject and I’ll leave it to the experts) The good ole doctor will say if you don’t have a discharge not to worry. Why not? We discharge all day long. No one said it had to be thick, green and gluey. Anyway, that doesn’t necessarily mean these odors smell good to me and I want to stop them before someone else stands near me and say, “you smell anything.” If that happens, keep your mouth shut because she could be testing you to see if you can smell her. Take a man: he can pee 10 times a day and leave that pee stain in his underwear to dry on him 10 times a day, stand next to you on the subway train, go out on a date and your nostrils will not go on alert. Better yet, they still don’t run to the restroom as soon as they enter a restaurant. A woman can pee 10 times a day, but she’d better change her panty shield at least twice and use a wet wipe before going out to dinner if she doesn’t have time to go home, or better yet have a spare pair of underwear in her purse or her body will be talking to her and maybe a few other people close buy. On top of that the panty shield just increases the funk and advertisers have the nerve to tell you they suppress odors. So if they do all that, why does another magazine tell you to sprinkle it with baby powder? Why do they keep trying to perfect them so that more air will move through them: Why, because after a while of wearing them you start to think you have a diaper rash? Besides, sit down on a toilet with an all day long panty shield on….Hmmmm. You know what I’m talking about.

Women’s bodies go through so many changes. They sabotage our self-confidence. Each stage is something new: Puberty, Childbearing, Menopause, and Celibacy (there will be celibacy with menopause…that why it’s called men on pause). But these odors are sometimes good. They are what draw men to us, it is sometimes these odors that have men throwing us on the bed, spreading the buffet and eating out, slurping and diving. They are “having at it”, and we’re thinking I really wished I could have “freshen up” first.” Forget it, let them eat. We can’t stop our odors, but that doesn’t stop us from wanting them to tag along when we are trying to look cute. It may not be as bad as we think, but it leaves us uncomfortable knowing we don’t smell like rose petals all over. Just remember, if the odor gets bad or abnormal, head to your OBGYN and strike the position. Don’t feel embarrassed, they adapt a lot quicker than the people we work with or the friends we hang out with. I don’t think the smell anything but who knows what goes on behind the mask. Let them sort it out. In the meantime, let your man spend the money on you that he doesn’t have to spend on hygiene products. Just don’t let him know how many products you buy a month, so don’t stack them all beneath the bathroom cabinet because it will make him nervous. Keep your purse size spray at the bottom of your purse and don’t spray too much because it may cause the opposite reaction you were hoping for. And please don’t spray perfume down there. Funk and perfume do not tango. They trip each other up. The next time you’re in a store, go check out the men’s aisle. Their biggest threat is under their arms, not between their legs. Ok, not that type of threat.