Warning! The 11 Signs of a Deeply Toxic Relationship Show You When to Leave and Never Look Back
I have one word of advice for you: RUN!
1. You don’t feel physically or emotionally safe
Physical abuse is easy to spot. If they slap you once, that’s it, start packing. No, I’m not kidding, even if the slapper is a woman.
Yes, I understand spirits can get high sometimes and some women are more passionate. That passion can manifest in physical ways, but that’s not healthy.
Yes, I also know sex is better with the crazy ones, but life is worse with them.
Don’t wait until they poison your food.
Just kidding, that will never happen. A passionate woman doesn’t have the patience to poison you slowly, she’ll shoot you and be on her way. Run from her before she runs from the law.
As a woman, a slap from a man is a huge warning sign that he’s got a violent personality. Be aware that a lot of women died because they didn’t leave at the right time.
Don’t find excuses, don’t blame him, don’t shame him, pack and leave before he gets a chance to hit you again.
While physical abuse is straightforward, emotional abuse takes many forms and it’s not so easy to spot, but this article will make light on many of its faces.
2. You play emotionally incestuous roles
Are you his wife or his mom? Do you need to baby him every time he gets the flu? Are you one step away from wiping his butt? Let him be a man, for the love of god!
And no, despite popular opinion, men are not perpetual kids. Immature men are perpetual kids and they find enabling women who will keep them in that emotionally inferior state for life.
Men, do you like it when she calls you ‘daddy’? Is she stomping her pretty little feet to make you comply with her wishes? Is that hot for you? In the bedroom and outside of it? Do you enjoy taking care of this narcissistic brat with big round eyes who has you wrapped around her finger?
I know what I described happens a lot and some of you will feel triggered by this. And that’s ok because the truth shall set you free and that’s where you can step into your power and happiness.
Is this emotional incest a reason to leave? It’s not abusive, so there is no urgency. But it is undoubtedly toxic. So it’s up to you how much poison you want to drink before you decide to get healthy.
3. You no longer communicate with trusted friends and family
Do you still have a circle of friends and a few family members you keep in touch with? Or have you distanced yourself so much from everybody that your partner is only source of companionship and advice in your life?
For most of us, a healthy emotional life includes several people that serve various aspects of ourselves. Our partner can never play every role we need in our lives.
Somebody who wants to control you will gradually make you cut ties with others because their opinions will differ from his own. A friend who cares about you will be real and tell you when they see something’s off. You can listen to them or not, but having another opinion there from someone who cares is vital to calibrate yourself.
We don’t know everything and neither do our partners. Make sure you have the right people around you.
And the right people are never yes men.
4. You or your partner do nothing for the well-being of the couple
Vacation? She wants to go to Belize! Let’s do that! There’s a new amazing job 1000 miles away? Let’s move there! Date night? Nah, let’s just stay in bed and binge on caramel popcorn and Netflix!
This might sound mad to some of you, but hear me well: every healthy couple is actually a threesome!
It’s made of partner no. 1, partner no. 2, and The Couple. You need to constantly make sure the couple itself is given proper attention.
If you do a certain thing, like, say, move 1000 miles away for an amazing job opportunity, will the couple survive? Can your partner move there with you and is she willing and happy to do that?
If you’re having a nice, cozy relationship but you’re no longer having fun together, can the couple survive?
You’ve been together for years and the excitement in the bedroom is way gone. You’re not even trying to revive your sex life because you’ve never liked his thick sausage fingers on your dainty skin. Sex was always a drag for you.
The bed has now turned into the place where you read bedtime stories to your kids and fall asleep with your mouth open wearing your unicorn pajamas and drooling all over his arm. Will the couple survive?
Before you cater to your own needs and to your partner’s needs, ask yourself: will this serve the couple?
5. You feel used, neglected, or exploited
“Can you rub my back, please? I have this huge sore spot and I just can’t reach it. OMG, yes, right there, give it to me, that feels so nice, can I get a longer massage, mmm? You’re such a cutie pie, thank you so much, baby! Oh, do the same for you? I suddenly feel my pain coming back. Ummm… I need to get to bed before it gets worse! I didn’t even like it, just sayin’…”
Do the dishes, do the wash, put the kids to sleep, take out the trash, and mop the floors before bed. All this while your partner is out with the boys (or girls). And this happens every week.
It’s a classic case of exploitation.
One partner has all the roles in the home and the other is sleeping until 1 PM every Saturday because he just doesn’t know how to iron shirts or clean the carpets. Yes, he does, we all do. But why would he, if the house servant does it all herself?
Is it a reason to leave? It’s a reason to have some boundaries and self-respect and ask that you be equal partners in the relationship.
6. You don’t know who you are anymore
If you have a partner who is all about themselves and you’re the type who avoids conflict to keep the relationship functional, you will lose yourself in catering to your partner’s needs.
She likes hummus? You make a fresh batch every morning. At some point, you might even get to enjoy it. By the time you manage to eat it with a smile on your face, she already hates it from having it shoved down her throat so much.
He likes hiking, but you’re a beach girl. He hates the beach — he freckles easily! Poor baby, let’s not take him there! You buy climbing gear, the shoes, the pants, the works! You put a huge smile on your face and break your leg the moment you get out of the car!
When you bend to your partner’s every whim, there will be nothing of yourself left. You will deplete every ounce of soul you have and will be walking around empty of yourself. Or with a broken leg, like in the example above.
7. You are constantly in a negative mood
You see her pouring her morning coffee and yawning loudly without covering her mouth and wonder why you’re doing this to yourself. Why would you stay with someone who yawns like good manners were never invented? Do you really hate yourself that much?
Look at him smacking his food! “Damn it, John, close your big mouth when you eat or I will close it for you!“ You imagine yourself jumping from your chair, running to get a needle and thread, and sewing John’s mouth shut forever. The bastard deserved it. Still feel like smacking your pudding now, John?
Constantly rollercoastering between anger and sadness and being triggered by the smallest thing is a huge telltale sign of you being unhappy with your life. When these feelings are directed at your partner, it’s usually them that annoys the bejesus out of you.
Take a step back. What do you want? What do you need? Can your partner fulfill that wish or should he? Are you the toxic one maybe?
Toxicity is usually a game of 2 — both partners contribute to it and make the couple a toxic nest.
8. You feel like your partner’s punching bag
People will always need to let out some steam. There’s nothing wrong with that and it’s the reason why some smart people get a punching bag in their home, hang it from a ceiling in their garage, and beat it senseless every 2 nights.
However, if that punching bag is you… that’s a whole different story. And I don’t mean getting physically beaten.
But you can become somebody’s emotional punching bag without even realizing it.
Does she have some steam to let out? Why not laugh at how far away from his head her husband’s ears are?
“You’re not wearing that to work today, are you, Jim? Green T-shirt and orange pants?! Don’t you have any sense of color? Look how silly you look!”
“Are you kidding me? You can’t do some simple math? Even our kid can make that multiplication in his head. You’re so lucky you’re pretty, come here, let me give you a kiss on your silly little head.”
Mocking, belittling, criticism, overt anger, demeaning, constant scapegoating, and taking cheap shots — they are the basis of toxic behavior.
They might seem harmless but they are most present in relationships where one partner is a narcissist.
And you should be in no relationship where there is a narcissist present! Run!
9. Your self-esteem is lower than it used to be
Healthy self-esteem is the basis of a healthy, fulfilled, and happy life.
A relationship’s main role is to make the partners’ life happy and build on their self-esteem.
If you see your confidence, general well-being, and level of self-esteem go down because of your partner’s behavior, get out of that relationship asap!
Nothing and nobody is worth you losing that.
Signs of low self-esteem include self-blame, not trusting your own decisions, being critical of yourself and joking about yourself in a negative way, ignoring your achievements and good parts and accentuating the bad, avoiding challenges for fear of failing, feeling worthless, anxious, depressed, angry, etc.
10. You are constantly lied to and gaslighted
“What are you talking about? I haven’t been out last night.”
‘There is a stamp on your hand from your favorite club…’
“Oh, that? Nah, some kids were just playing with stamps, that’s how they got there!”
Insert eye-roll here.
“I got a report from the bank and our joint account is empty. Why did you withdraw all our savings and used them to pay for Domina Lili’s beach house?”
‘I’m not lying, you’re lying!’
“Excuse me? I’m holding the report in my hand… as you can see!”
“You forged that!”
Insert double eye-roll here.
Pathological liars and narcissists don’t usually change. Lying is their comfort zone and safe space against a hostile world.
Let them be and go. They are what they are. You deserve better.
11. You are constantly judged instead of cherished
Did you just quit your job and instead of having your partner’s support in this difficult time they belittle your decision and ask:
“How could you do that? Your writing hobby will never make you money! Don’t you understand this was a terrible decision?”
Everything you do seems to annoy them.
“Could you breathe any louder? Stop it!”
“Why do you laugh like a horse?! Do you hear yourself?”
The right partner will love your horse laughter!
Cut this loser loose and laugh as bright as you want!
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